Should I Listen To My Brother's Anti-Vax Misinformation After He Openly Blamed My Miscarriage On The COVID Vaccine, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Do I Have To Keep Listening To My Brother's Anti-Vax Misinformation After He Openly Blamed My Miscarriage On The Covid Vaccine?
My brother and his wife have very different political values than I do, but we've managed to mostly maintain a good relationship by avoiding "off-limits" topics. That all began to change with COVID.
While politics shouldn't play into it, my brother very predictably joined the bandwagon of COVID skeptics and anti-vaxxers… He became dismissive of my desire to take necessary precautions at family gatherings, not only refusing to wear a mask himself, but teasing me for doing so and saying pedantic things like "I'm concerned about you" and "I hope you'll see sense soon." …
Things have amped up recently as I went through IVF and, in the spring of this year, became pregnant. A few weeks into the pregnancy, I developed a blood clot that the doctors ascribed to the estrogen I'd been taking. I went on a blood thinner and all was fine, but about two months later, I miscarried. Despite finding out that the fetus was genetically abnormal, my brother and his wife are insisting that all of it happened because of my taking the vaccine, and are using my story as a cautionary tale for their friends about why they think the vaccine "is dangerous," despite my telling them numerous times that the miscarriage had nothing to do with it. On the day after my miscarriage, my sister-in-law had the nerve to text me, "Don't you wonder if all of this might never have happened had you not gotten the vaccine?"
Next week, I'm going to have another embryo transfer with my final embryo, and decided to get the booster beforehand. When my brother heard this, he told me that while he could respect my decision before as it only impacted me, he couldn't let me potentially harm my future baby without saying something. He said he had "good evidence" that the vaccine causes miscarriages and wanted to send me some articles he'd found; I declined and asked him to please not bring the topic up again.
Now my whole family is coming down on me because they say I'm the one letting my beliefs ruin our relationship and that I should at least give him the courtesy of listening to his concerns, yet all he has ever done throughout this is dismiss my concerns and put me down for them… Of course I don't want to ruin our relationship, but I don't even want to see him or talk to him right now and I feel angry with my entire family for acting like I'm the one to blame. I just don't see any way forward.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris urges the letter writer to cut off their brother and anyone who makes excuses for him until they have their baby. "Fill in the gaps in your life with your husband's family, your friends, your doctors, and anyone else who lives in reality, has compassion, and knows how to talk to people," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Grandparents To Stop Neglecting And Insulting My Sister Because She's Adopted?
I'm a 15-year-old girl and had always been an only child until March of this year, when my parents legally adopted their goddaughter after her parents died in an accident. I love "Abby" and have known her since we were tiny, though she lived far away for a long time. Now she's living with us and we call each other sisters. She's obviously been in a terrible place emotionally and struggling with grief, but she's said a few times that she has found happiness here despite everything and that she loves having a big sister (she's 13)…
The problem is my grandparents. They really believe in "blood ties" being the most important thing and have not been welcoming to Abby. Abby and I have birthdays close together, and they sent an expensive present for me and not even a card for her, despite my parents having told them that they have two daughters now. They barely talk to Abby when we see them and referred to her as a "guest" in our home until my mom had a huge fight with them about it.
My parents seem good at standing up to them about this stuff, but I don't know how to deal with it myself. When I went to visit my grandparents recently, my gran kept going on about how she and my grandpa were desperate to spoil me because they "just know I'm not getting the attention I need at home anymore." When I said it was fine (my parents still give me plenty of time and we honestly get on great), my grandpa acted like I was "putting a brave face" on things while my gran kept saying how important it was that I got to come to their place and have my own space again. She then made a comment on something I was wearing, noting that it was a lot like a style Abby wears, and asked if I was trying to dress up like her to get my parents' attention. I'm not! It was just a cute top! I had no idea what to say and just kept trying to change the subject.
I don't think I'm handling them right, but I don't know what to do. They keep giving me "secret" presents now because they think my parents will "kick off again" if they find out because they "don't care about their own daughter anymore." … My mom and dad have a lot going on right now, and I'm worried that by telling them about this, it'll start a huge fight and possibly make Abby feel even worse — she got upset last time she realized there was a fight with my grandparents over her. What should I do? Is there something I can say to my grandparents that will make them stop doing this?
[Slate]
Jamilah Lemieux advises the letter writer to loop her parents into what's been going on with her grandparents. "There's no need for Abby to have to hear about it, but the adults here need to have a serious talk, and your parents may need to make a decision about how they choose to engage with this set of grandparents going forward," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Take It Very Personally When Someone Else Brought Rolls To A Work Potluck?
I've been at my new job for a month and today they had a potluck and a meeting. They put a sign up in the break room where we could write down what we were going to bring. I thought okay, I will keep it simple and get Hawaiian rolls. Well, to my surprise, someone who didn't put their name on the list brought cheap ass rolls! I don't know who did it, nor do I care ! Well, I did care because to me that was the first slap in the face to welcome me aboard! So instead of eating with everyone, I got up and went to work while everyone else ate. I thought it was rude to hang a sign up to bring a potluck and then people just bring what everyone else does. I mean, really! Why even put up a sign?
Then they started with the staff meeting, where I didn't know what to expect because after all it was my first one. So we are sitting there and the slide says, "Let's introduce the new people." My name was first and a woman who started two weeks after me was on there. So he starts off by telling the other woman "welcome to the team, blah blah blah" and skips right over me and says nothing. I'm sitting there thinking I know this jackass didn't skip right over me, but I sat there with a smile on my face and pretended I wasn't upset. So he's about to go to the next slide and someone speaks up and says, "What about Ann?" and he laughs and looks at me and says, "Omg, I didn't realize you were new!" To me that was another slap in the face! I mean, if you don't want me working for you, then just say so! So, I'm already mad over someone disrespecting me over bringing rolls which I said I would bring, then he skips right over me like I wasn't even sitting there when my name was first on the stupid PowerPoint!
In your opinion, what the hell is going on? Was I wrong to walk out of the potluck and go straight to work? I think that makes a statement as far as I was concerned because I'm not going to hang around fake ass people. Now there is a Secret Santa and I'm not doing it! I don't want any part of it. They can take Santa and stick it up their ass!
Alison Green replies, "You are wildly overreacting, and it's very likely that you are going to get yourself fired from this job." That's the entirety of her answer to this letter writer, but read the rest of her column.
Can I Refuse To Bring My Children To My Grandmother's House Until She Covers Up A Postmortem Photo On Her Mantel?
I know this sounds really weird, but my grandmother has a death photo of her grandmother. In it my dead great-great-grandmother is surrounded by her own children, grandchildren, and husband. My grandmother proudly displays this morbid picture on the mantel in her living room. It's creeped me out since I was old enough to get what the picture was, and I know it has always bugged my dad, who had to grow up with it. Last time we visited my grandmother, my 10-year-old also figured it out, and she cried in the car all the way home when I confirmed what she thought.
My grandmother is in her 90s, and I know she isn't going to change, especially since she hasn't taken the photo down when she's been asked to in the past by several family members. But I have told my dad that I am not bringing my kids to her house anymore if she refuses to either take down or cover the picture. I can kind of take it, but I am not going to force my kids to see it again.
Do you think I am overreacting?
[UExpress]
Susan Writer points out that postmortem photographs used to be common and suggests that the letter writer explain this history to their daughter. "It may not creep her out any less, but it could give her some insight into her great-grandmother's probable motive for having such an image in her home," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Girlfriend I Find Her Choice Not To Shave Her Armpits Questionable?
My girlfriend does not believe in shaving her armpit hair, and it's starting to become an issue. She believes that shaving armpit hair is unnatural and conformist. She didn't have these beliefs when we first started dating, so I feel that it's unfair for her to expect me to have no problem with it now. I'm afraid to ask her to shave because I don't want to seem like I do not support this journey (although I do find it questionable). What can I do?
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole encourages the letter writer to express their feelings to their girlfriend. "One thing is certain: In a long-term relationship, the way you both look will change," she writes. "That includes hairstyles, body shape and size, and even body hair." Read the rest of her answer.
Does It Cross A Line For A Woman In A Relationship To Braid Someone Else's Hair?
"Adam" and "Amanda" are dating. It is OK for Amanda to braid the long hair of her single, heterosexual male friend, "Adonis"? Or is she crossing a line in her relationship?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren rules that the only people whose opinions about this question matter are Adam, Amanda, and Adonis. "If Adam doesn't like Amanda braiding Adonis' locks, he has a mouth and can use it to tell her to cut it out," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
