The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only — please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

I May Have Severe Burns From A Noodle Mishap, And My Boyfriend Doesn't Care

I (26F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been dating for three years. We were having a nice evening. It's close to 1 a.m. and he wanted me to make him some noodles. I dropped the pot of noodles as I was trying to strain them and covered myself in boiling hot water. I've never been in so much pain in my entire life. My left foot and my right hand are still burning and it's been a couple hours. His only reaction was his concern for his noodles. He didn't ask if I was OK. I was in so much pain and unable to clean up the mess. I asked him to please help me clean the noodles and he just threw paper towel on the ground and didn't help me. I'm in agonizing pain, my skin is still burning and his only response is "you get like this when you drink." I had two glasses of wine. I'm not intoxicated, the pot slipped because I was wearing oven gloves. I'm so hurt by the fact he didn't even care about how badly I was injured. I don't know what to do. I feel like he is so narcissistic sometimes. How do you move forward from something like this? Is this something you would try to work through and how would you handle it?

It's shocking that your partner of three years didn't care if you needed an urgent care visit or at least a good old bear hug. Your boyfriend must really be lacking in empathy, and I hope you listen to every comment telling you that this is a red flag not to ignore. No matter how small the task, showing appreciation to your partner always helps build a better environment for the both of you. Talk to him about this, let him know you deserve an apology and to have your needs respected, and go from there — but until then, no more cooking for him. Read the rest of the thread here.

Was I Wrong For Letting My Exhausted Wife Sleep In?

Using a throwaway for obvious reasons. Just a quick background info: My wife (Heather— 36F) and I (35F) have been together for the past 14 years, and married for 10. We have two daughters (4 and 6-years-old) together. Heather is a doctor and she works ridiculously long hours, gets tired, etc. Yesterday she came back home after being away all day (she was on call and needed to go in for an emergency surgery), and told me she was going to sleep for a couple of hours and asked me to wake her up by dinner so she could see the girls and I a bit. She slept around 5 p.m. I tried to wake her at 7 p.m. I called for her, softly shook her, gave her a kiss on the cheek but she didn't get up. (She is a very light sleeper and these things wake her up 90 percent of the time). I thought she needed the rest and let her sleep. Heather slept until the next morning which is when she needed to go to work. Heather was very upset the following morning saying I should have woken her up, and that I had caused her to miss an entire day of family time. I explained that she didn't get up and she said I just should have tried harder to wake her. I get that she wants to be present in our family (and she is) and she wants our kids to see both their moms but I just wanted to let her get some much needed sleep to help her be well rested for the next day. Was I genuinely the AH?

I really like how Reddittor u/TiptoeStiletto opened up about their own experience working in healthcare and trying to fit in personal time. For your wife, having at least a bit of quality time after napping was her reprieve from a stressful job. I know you were trying to do something nice, but I think your wife’s everyday story is something to keep in mind when you apologize to her later.

I Found Out My Baby Was Born Via Facebook

It's stupid to think I'm at this point but here I am. My stbx wife (28F) and I (29M) have wanted kids for years and we're thrilled when she finally got pregnant last year. From day one I wanted to be the most supportive husband and future father I could. Her father was never involved in her life. I used to work as a tech in labor and delivery, and my brother to put it kindly is not the most involved father. I saw too many problems up close when it came to lacking husbands, and I would be damned before I made the same mistakes. The problem is roughly four weeks into her pregnancy everything started going downhill. She stopped wanting sex. Fair enough. Hormones and stress make that a problem I went full stop. But then she didn't want any physical interaction. No cuddling, no kissing, slowly becoming more and more distant. -Her eating constantly changed and she was terrible about it. She would demand I get her something all day then the moment I give it to her she wants something else, screaming at me. OK, again, hormonal issues I get it no problem. She never let me to go any appointments, no groups she went to, spent more time away. -Became cold and bitter. Constantly angry at me. This went on for months. -Slapped me a couple times when I forgot one of her dozens of tasks she assigned me during the day. Stopped doing anything for the house a month into the pregnancy. Sure, she's pregnant, I get it moving around is hard, but she wouldn't even do laundry about four weeks in and by five weeks I did everything. I'm also the primary source of income. I barely sleep. I'm running on fumes. -Made me sleep in the guest room. Would always try and pick fights. I never once raised my voice, my hand, or my tone. I sat there and constantly mentally reminded myself this isn't her and this would all be worth it. -She didn't want me to make any baby decisions. No name, no work on the nursery, nothing. One month before she delivered, she yelled how fucking useless I am and how I don't do anything and that she's staying with her mother. She didn't let me get her anything, come check on her, threatened to divorce me and get a restraining order if I even called her. A couple weeks back, I found out about the birth of my son from a Facebook post. She posted it with her mother and some family. It broke me. I tried to go to the hospital and visit. They had security kick me out. After months of outright hatred, anger and abuse thrown at me 24/7, I had it. Odds are I'm not even on the birth certificate. I opened a new account and all my deposits go there. I took half out of our joint account. She never bought baby stuff ahead of time, who knows what that money was going towards, so now that she has to buy supplies for our son she's used up every cent. I've gotten a lawyer. The house is mine, I'm the only one who spent money on it in any way. I've sent the rest of her stuff to her mother's house. I'm demanding a paternity test. I'm not spending another damn cent until I get verification it's my son. I'm absolutely divorcing her. She chose the stay at home life, if she cheated she's screwed. Her mother has money for a couple week stay, not even close to enough for full time support. If he is my son, I will absolutely be getting my rights as a father for a relationship. Last week, my stbx called. She was practically hyperventilating. She wanted to come home. She was crying how it was all a mistake. She's not staying with her mother. She's at a friend's house. She wants to come home. She wants our son to have his father. I told her I don't believe he is my son. Why would she pull this if he is? Show me a paternity test, and I'll do everything I can for him, and him only. She wants to meet tomorrow at a park so I can talk to her. I said sure, so I can finally say everything I should have said months ago to her face. My parents are hoping we can make up, but they absolutely understand if I won't. My brother is a deadbeat jackass so I don't care what he has to say, but my sister thinks I should at least hear her out.

For the benefit of your potential son, I think you should listen to the comments saying that your soon-to-be ex might need more support and mental health care. Based on her last phone call, it sounds like she wants things to change, but doesn't know how to make things right. After everything, I do think the safety of the child is something to consider since there’s mention of physical violence, and it’s not something you want a child growing up with. As safely as you possibly can, I hope you can work with the family on getting her the right care and treatment she might need at this time. Getting the DNA results before potentially involving yourself further would be a wise decision.

Where's The Line Between Casual Sex And Exclusivity Nowadays?

I was dating a girl i matched with on bumble for about two months and she recently told me that she was having hookups while we were dating to take things slower between us and test compatibility without sex being involved. We haven't had sex yet. She said she's had a history of falling into a relationship due to the sex and not the other qualities that would make a relationship work.

I personally haven't experienced someone using a strategy like this one before and I'm conflicted about that rationale. Is this a common strategy? have you had an experience like this one? and would you still date someone who was sleeping with others while in that process?

Edit: We weren't exclusive and never had the conversation. Two months in is too early for exclusivity from what's normal nowadays. My biggest issue was the casual sex while dating with serious intentions. To me it seems like a flawed approach if you were looking to develop a monogamous relationship with someone.

Bro, she had one foot in and the other out this whole time. When you're hooking up like that, it's too easy to find someone better, and then just send the other guy, like you here, a long text. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I agree with the comments saying she's just not that into you...

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image credit: Maria Luiza Melo]