The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only — please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

We Think Our Friend Should Break Up With Her Mildly Toxic BF

My (F 21) boyfriend (M 21) and I can't come to an agreement without breaking up. My family and I have planned a trip to Puerto Rico in June. Before setting these plans, my boyfriend was hesitant about me going and threatened to end things if I decided to go. He has asked me multiple times to plan a couples trip, and I promised him I'd go on one before going on another group trip because he didn't enjoy the last group trip we went on. >However, other factors came into play when he got a new job. He had to wait three months to go on a trip, and we were constantly arguing and being on and off during that whole time. So, during that period, my sister planned her birthday trip (this upcoming Puerto Rico trip), and we never got to fit a couples trip in. He keeps arguing that he doesn't trust me nor my sisters. With all of the back and forth, I ultimately decided to go and paid for my trip ($400). It ended with us breaking up and being no contact for a few weeks. He recently reached out to me, and I went back on my decision after already paying, so I won't be going. Our relationship is not perfect, and we have been on and off for a few years, but I love him so much and don't want to lose him over a trip. A big part of his reasoning is that he doesn't trust me. I want to stay with him but also be able to go on a trip with my family. I can't have both, and I don't want to end up regretting anything. So, would I be the a-hole for going, ending my relationship? Edit: I've never written a Reddit post, so I hope I did it right, and I am submitting this on behalf of my friend (approved by her). I believe she shouldn't let him hold her back on a FAMILY trip, especially after paying $400. Among other things, her sisters and friends (including myself) believe her relationship is very toxic, but we can't seem to say anything or do anything to help her stay out of it. Please help! Edit 2 per friend: She wants to mention how she made out with a guy while they were broken up and hid that fact once they got back together, and he found out. She also spoke badly about him to this guy. She doesn't have any association with the guy she kissed anymore.

Being 21-years-old is tricky because I don't think you realize how extremely young you are. This is hard for you because you've spent a lot of your formative years with him, so understandably there's a bond. However, by the end of your twenties, so many of the people from the first half of that decade will not be in your life anymore. You stop texting all your college friends, you don't have much in common with your hometown friends and families naturally get more intense as time quickly passes by each year. So, on that very positive note, you need to get it into your head that nothing lasts forever, especially your youth and health. Please listen to the comments and take this as a learning lesson to not make your whole life somebody else’s. Read the rest of the thread here.

I've Had It With My Wife Complaining That I Don't Make Enough Money

My wife keeps complaining that I don't make enough money. It's not all the time, but she has been saying it for quite some time. The thing is, she quit her job in 2021 and never went back to work. I have always felt that she thinks I should be the only one working and trying to improve my income situation. I got annoyed at her about this and told her she should then try to contribute. She doesn't want to do what she used to do, and I have been fine with letting her figure out her next steps. She got mad at me again and told me that other husbands wouldn't say such things to their wives and that I was a "cheap loser" guy. She says I shouldn't say such things and should try to make more money. I'm like, wtf? I have been paying for everything since she quit her job that she hated so much. I think she does think low of me because I am not making some crazy salary of $500k. I am tired of listening to her complaining when she is not contributing but only spending. I've been trying to switch my job for better pay, but it just hasn't worked out yet. She always compares me to her friends' husbands, and it pisses me off. I personally don't think a guy has to make all the money, and I think each side should contribute. We are not living in a world in which husbands must be the only ones making money. >That's like 30+ years ago. I currently make over $150K in NYC, and it's still very tough financially living here. I literally can't really save much, and my wife continues to bitch at me about my income when she isn't really actively pursuing something that will be her new career.

For context y'all, to afford an apartment all to yourself in New York City, you need to be making at least six figures, and you'd be living a very modest life at that. It looks like his wife is really playing with fire around their savings by only spending, and with all this inflation and job market insecurity that surely isn’t a smart strategy. On that note, I'm with the comments saying this is something you should've sorted out before getting married. My cursory judgment is that I'm surprised you are surprised this is happening. As sinister as it sounds, I feel like this was her end game. However, if you want to make it work, help her find a hobby she can earn money with, or at the very least, one that will keep her too busy to go shopping all day. Read the rest of the thread here.

Life Has Turned The Tables On Me, Now I'm The Loser In My Marriage

Background:

In the beginning of our relationship 12 years ago he was a chubby nerd with a kind heart. I was in OK shape with a few extra pounds on my mid section and we were happy. He is in manufacturing and I’m in marketing. He dropped out of college and I have my bachelors with multiple professional certifications. I have always made more than double what he did. I didn’t really care but it would bug him at times. He always insisted on doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry to make up for it which I thought was cute but insisted wasn’t necessary. We could always afford a modest lifestyle and since marriage have pooled our finances. As we grew our lives together we both put on weight and he put all his career ambitions on hold to support my dreams and climbing the corporate ladder. We have 2 kids and he has done almost all the daycare, sports, school, doctors, and play date chauffeuring since they’ve been born. Honestly he has taken on far too much for the sake of my busy career and his just stagnated as a result. He only kept the job for the flexibility it affords him as a dad. It was the balance we struck and we were happy. Before COVID he was making 40k while I was at 120k with bonuses. Then COVID happened.

COVID:

It was during 2020 that the change in my husband occurred. He lost his job and started getting anxious for the first time in his life. As a family we were in good shape but he individually was not doing well. He was putting on a brave face for the kids but behind the scenes he was a mess. He threw himself into house work, yard work, and video games to keep himself busy. I don’t know what the breaking point was but in January 2021 something changed. He started going to weekly therapy sessions for his anxiety. On January 1st he started doing yoga every single day (and still does.) We bought a Peloton and he took to it like a fish in water. He stuck with it until he built up enough muscle and now does 200+ miles a month every month. He started doing their workout classes and talked to a nutritionist. The pounds melted off him. He started applying to jobs he previously thought he was too dumb or inexperienced or uneducated for and got one. It was amazing to watch and I felt so lucky to support his growth during this time while I plugged away in the corporate world.

The Problem:

It all came to head a few months ago. I got laid off from the company I had worked so hard for. The company I lost so much time with my kids for. I had worked up to the director level and it was just gone in a flash. After we got the kids down we had a good long talk and at the end of it he told me to not stress about finding anything, we don’t need me to work anyway. He was right. He makes a ludicrously large amount of money compared to what he used to, more than most doctors (since people will ask he used to be a machinist but after a lucky break followed by a promotion and then another promotion he essentially helps run one of the plants for a defense contractor). Then the dominoes of realizations started to fall for me in the coming weeks; he makes more than enough to support us, I make nothing; he is an amazing father where as I was a career first mother (that was all for nothing) and don’t have the same relationship with our children as he does; he doesn’t just have abs but also that incredible V thing next to his abs while I have a gut and flabby arms.

The other day when I struck up a conversation at school pickup the other mom said, “o you’re the one with the hot husband, sooooooo how DID you lock him down?” The subtext here could not be more obvious and this is not the first time something like this has happened. I see how the other Moms look at him. Sexually I can’t keep up with him. He has always had a high libido while I am on the lower side. The man is a stallion in bed and I get winded so easily compared to him.

Thank god he is a human golden retriever, oblivious to any flirting that I’m sure is happening when I’m not around. I think the only reason he hasn’t left me yet is he’d rather be building a magic deck or playing helldivers 2 than go through the trouble of hiding an affair. It feels like it is only a matter of time before he realizes he is out of my league now and replaces me with someone who can keep up physically, monetarily, and mentally. We generally communicate great and he has reassured me time after time after time that he only has eyes for me. He insists the only reason he got where he is is because of the support I gave him, how I kept the finances going for so long so he could improve himself. He says the sex is so amazing he can’t imagine having it with anyone else. He says there is no winners and losers in a couple and if one wins we both win. He freely gives me access to his phone to try and cull my fears. I feel like I struck nerd gold and my insecurity is keeping me from enjoying what should be a great life. So how can I possibly feel secure and enjoy a marriage where I am the loser that other moms can’t figure out how I got the perfect man?

TL;DR: Was in a great relationship on mostly equal terms, then after a self improvement journey my husband became the perfect man that could easily leave me if he wanted to and I can’t feel secure or happy knowing that.

Perhaps, if you have some savings, seeing a therapist about these relationship superiority issues could be a good start. What you're feeling is very human, people go through similar ups and downs. However, this mentality of yours has become a prison; it does look like your husband is here to support you during your dark times, and you can’t see that. Once you move past this, join his workouts, I'm sure he'd love to have you around. I think the key takeaway here is that your husband didn't "glow up" to leave you or to change the dynamic of your relationship, honestly, life just happened. Now, you need to get yourself right, so you can realize you're just one job interview away from getting your entire old life back, and then some more. Go into it with the confidence you deserve to have. Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image credit: Ron Lach]