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Would It Be Selfish To Ask My Husband To Stop Talking To His Dying Mother Every Morning, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Would It Be Selfish To Ask My Husband To Stop Talking To His Dying Mother Every Morning?
My husband speaks to his mom every morning. For the past couple of months, her health has been failing, and she spends most of her days in the hospital having an extremely tough time. Hearing his mom suffer daily is affecting my husband's mental health. It sets the tone for the whole day, and I spend my mornings trying to cheer him up.
How do I tell him these daily conversations with his mom are starting to affect my mornings? Even the dog has begun showing signs of depression. Would I be selfish to suggest he needs to talk to her at a different time or maybe on fewer days?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren points out that the letter writer's husband has a limited amount of time left to talk to his mother. "What I do suggest is that you tell your husband how much you love him, and that you can see and feel his distress over her condition," she writes. "Then suggest he talk with a mental health professional who can help him work this through, because you can see how much pain this is causing him." Read the rest of her answer.
May I Ignore My Daughter-In-Law's Direct Request To Stop Giving Her Kid Large Gifts That Don't Fit In Their Condo?
The last time we visited our son and daughter-in-law, we brought along a lovely play kitchen for our granddaughter, which we'd been saving for 25 years. It was last used by our daughter and is in good condition.
My daughter-in-law pulled me aside and tersely asked that we stop bringing large gifts; their condo was small, and there just wasn't enough room. I told her I'd already mentioned the play kitchen to my son, and he said we could bring it. She replied that he was understandably sentimental about family gifts, so he would never turn them down, but that he was also the one who ended up stressed and grumpy about their overcrowded space.
She also said that, as a stay-at-home parent, she was the one who did most of the cleaning and caretaking of their overcrowded space, so the gifts made life difficult for her.
Carolyn, I have always believed in your advice that married couples should be responsible for communicating with their own parents, so I'm not sure what to do with this information. I think my son should get equal say in what goes in his house, and he's never breathed a word of displeasure over our gifts. We're scheduled to visit in a few weeks, and I'd like to bring a toddler bed and tricycle that I know our granddaughter would love. What should we do?
Carolyn Hax rules that the least harmful course of action is to stop giving unsolicited large gifts. "Your son apparently struggles with opting out, perhaps not wanting to hurt your feelings — so switch it," she writes. "Require a hard opt-in before you put anything in your vehicle." Read the rest of her answer.
Shouldn't My Friend's Fiancé Give Her A New Engagement Ring, After She Gave Back The Original Ring Following An Argument?
A friend of mine has been engaged for months. Then she and her fiancé had a misunderstanding and he asked for the ring back. She returned it.
He has since found the error of his ways and gave her the ring again.
I say she needs a new ring, or at least an altered one — have that one remounted or somehow changed. After all, he wouldn't use a ring he had first given to someone else. I say when he asked for it back, it terminated the contract of marriage, and therefore this is a new engagement and needs a new ring. Who is right?
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin urge the letter writer to mind their own business. "Perhaps the couple sees that ring as symbolizing the welcome return of the harmony of their early engagement," they write. "Or as a rock that remains solid despite any troubles." Read the rest of their answer.
How Should I Respond To My Sister's Accusation That I Undermined Her Parenting By Letting Her Teenage Daughter Live With Us?
My husband and I don't have children. My sister is a single mom and she has always been strict with her children. She has a rule for her kids that when they turn 18, they either pay rent or move out.
Her daughter turned 18, didn't find her footing and wasn't working, and so my sister kicked her out. She asked to live with us and we agreed.
She is doing great at our house; she is attending a local community college and is working part time. We like having her here. We are not charging rent and are encouraging her to save her money.
My sister is furious with us for undermining her rules for her children. I'm not sure how to respond.
Amy Dickinson applauds the letter writer's decision to take in their niece. "I suggest that you dodge your sister's fury by emphasizing that her daughter is doing well," she writes. "In your sister's home, she makes the rules, and in your home, you do." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My New 'Golden Retriever Boyfriend' To Stop A Bunch Of Habits That Make Me Cringe?
I (29/F, straight) met my boyfriend (28/M, straight) last summer after having a "meet cute," and we made things official after about two months of dating. We've now been in a committed relationship for four months. So far, this has been the most loving, adventurous, and fun-filled relationship I've ever had. He is a great guy — a sweet, goofy, devoted, go-with-the flow, but also very scatter-brained "golden retriever boyfriend" type (very Type B personality); whereas I'm more of a "black cat girlfriend" — more of a cynical type, who is a little harsher, more rigid/organized, and likes things a certain way (very Type A personality, and also slightly OCD). He has once said that we make a good team because I "make up for the brain cells he lacks."
Overall, we tend to balance each other out personality-wise due to this dynamic, but there are some habits he has that drive me absolutely crazy. For example: Every time he drinks a canned beverage, he non-intentionally makes a "slurping" sound, instead of politely and quietly sipping the drink. I've gently brought this up to him and said it isn’t very polite to do that (he acknowledged the behavior and said he isn't doing it to intentionally be obnoxious — he genuinely just isn't thinking about the actions he's doing), but to this day, he still does it. Another thing he does: He'll talk/mutter to himself if he's doing some kind of solo task and not talking to another person (i.e. washing dishes). Whenever he does this, it literally makes me cringe. Another thing: he has no awareness of how loudly he is speaking when someone is right next to him. There have been instances where hes raised his voice so loudly, my ears were ringing for a while afterwards.
I genuinely don't think he's aware or realizing he's doing these things as they happen, and how it can come off as odd, bizarre or downright impolite behavior to another person — which is part of why these habits bother me so much. And every time I've politely addressed these habits, I can tell he feels somewhat hurt that I've called out the behavior (or he feels like there's something "wrong" with him for doing it), and then he still ends up doing it. I feel like a scolding mother every time I bring the behaviors up. How do I better confront him about these things in a kind (but effective) manner? Or am I just nitpicking and need to get over it?
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris observes that the letter writer does not appear to like her boyfriend very much. "Please cut him loose to be a Type B golden retriever for someone who will let him do the dishes and mumble in peace," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Ask My Employer To Reduce My Annual Salary From $140,000 To $60,000?
Can I ask for a salary reduction if I feel that I'm overpaid? I currently make $140k/year salary in a tech job, but I feel that I am only worth $60k. I have my house and car paid off, and I have plenty of money in savings. I can live very comfortably on $60k per year. I am single, never married, no kids, and I plan to remain as such for the rest of my life. I don't need all the money they are paying me, and I feel that the company is wasting it.
Alison Green forbids the letter writer to ask for a pay cut. "If they significantly lower your salary, it could create salary equity issues across the board," she writes. "You'd also be creating downward pressure on your coworkers' salaries too, which I assure you they won't thank you for." Read the rest of her answer.
