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Should I Tell My Sister, Who Is Letting Me And My Wife Live With Her, That Her Elementary-Aged Children Are Useless And Entitled, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Tell My Sister, Who Is Letting Me And My Wife Live With Her, That Her Elementary-Aged Children Are Useless And Entitled?
My wife and I are staying with my sister and her family for a while because our house is being renovated. While staying with them, of course, we have witnessed how they do things, and I have a serious issue with how my sister is raising her children, who are 10 and seven.
They're pretty nice kids, but honestly so far in life they are fairly useless. My sister and I grew up on a farm and by their ages we were extremely competent in taking care of ourselves. We also had barn chores after school. Her children don't really do anything to help the family at home. They don't make their own beds (my sister does it), don't put their school lunches together (my sister does it), and they only take care of the dog when an adult reminds them.
I feel strongly that she is raising them to be useless, entitled people. I believe it might be my duty as her older brother (and their uncle) to be honest about this. My wife disagrees. We agreed to run this past you.
"It is the height of entitlement to criticize your sister's parenting choices — while staying as a guest in her home," writes Amy Dickinson. "I suggest that you reflect on your own lofty attitude (while accepting your sister's hospitality), and keep your thoughts to yourself." That's the entirety of her answer, but read the rest of her column.
Should I Continue To Keep My Child A Secret From My Family And Friends?
I've recently discovered that I've fathered a child, and I'm struggling to decide how much of the world I need to tell about this.
I'm single, other than occasionally dating the child's mother, and I do provide financial support to her.
But if I keep this child a secret for my family and friends, does that make me a bad person? What are the things I should consider as I decide who to tell about this, if anyone?
I never wanted children, and here I am in my early 50s with one by accident, ashamed to admit that I'm afraid of the ridicule from my friends, and perhaps family, too, about being a lifelong Lothario who finally slipped up and got a girl pregnant and now has a child.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Jay Smooth counsel the letter writer to figure out his own feelings about what it means to be a father. "If you had figured out within yourself how you feel about this development in your life, you wouldn't care this much about how your friends are going to react to it," says Smooth. "If you're coming to your friends feeling ashamed, you're going to feel ashamed talking to them about it." Read (or listen to) the rest of their answers.
What Should I Do After My Husband Asked Me Not To Leave Him Alone With Our Kids When My Mother Needed Emergency Surgery?
My husband and I have two kids, ages 14 months and 2 years old. Ever since the second was born, I've been kind of uncomfortable with the fact that my husband is NEVER alone with both of them, outside of me going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
Anytime I have somewhere to be, he has at least one of his parents come over or he goes to their house or his sister's house (they all live locally) with the kids. I've been hesitant to bring it up because I don't want to try to control the time he spends with the kids... But it has made me wonder if he is comfortable with our kids on his own, which any parent should be.
Very early this morning I received a call that my mother was being taken to the hospital in serious condition. I am her medical proxy and live about an hour and a half away. I immediately got up to get dressed and told my husband I needed to go and would make sure I was back in time to pick up the kids from daycare at the end of the day as I always do (he drops them off). He got panicky and asked me to give him a minute to call his mother because he needed her to come over in case the kids woke up and to help with the morning routine. I told him that was ridiculous; I can understand wanting a hand with the morning routine, but she didn't need to come over at 2:30 a.m. to sit on alert while the kids slept, especially since they both sleep through the night on their own 95 percent of the time. He said he wasn't comfortable being there alone with them and he needed me to wait to leave until one of his parents got there. I said no, I had an emergency to deal with and I would be going, he could handle two sleeping kids and should just go back to bed himself until his alarm, and I left. Twenty minutes later I saw a notification on our security cameras that his mother had arrived at the house.
It's a few hours later and I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting for an update on my mother's surgery and for my siblings to arrive and I just don't even know what to think. I've tried texting and calling and he didn't answer. I just don't understand how you can be uncomfortable taking care of your own children and think just constantly having someone else around is an acceptable solution. He only ever seems to have regular new-ish parent worries, not over-the-top anxiety. What's the best way to address this when I get home? I know he will be mad I left, but I'm mad he put me in a situation where I had to choose to leave. Shouldn't you be able to take care of your own children? Did I miss something I should have seen?
[Slate]
Allison Price encourages the letter writer to ask their husband why he doesn't want to be alone with the kids and explain why they need him to do so. "He needs to be able to step up and assume the full duties of parenthood, and not only in an emergency!" she writes. "You should be able to run an errand, get a manicure, or see a friend without making childcare arrangements." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After My Daughter's Friend's Parents Knowingly Exposed My Daughter To Lice?
My daughter recently had a sleepover at a friend's house and, a few days later, sprouted a headful of lice. When I told the parents, they apologized and said they should have mentioned the parasitic infestation earlier, but they had already paid for the pizza and didn't want to disappoint their daughter. In other words, they knew! I'm beyond furious. Yes, lice are an unfortunate reality of junior school, but this was a breach of parental protocol that I can't forgive. I want to steer my daughter away from this friend. Any advice?
The Urban Diplomat advises the letter writer to try to set boundaries with the parents. "Is their dubious judgment reason enough for you to avoid entrusting your daughter to them?" they write. "If so, you can decline future sleepovers and play dates, but if your daughter ends up missing her friend, you'll soon become the villain." Read the rest of their answer.
How Can I Get My Wife To Pretend To Go Along With My Parents' Unsolicited, Condescending Advice?
I'm really frustrated with my wife and maybe need a reality check.
My parents are so easy to be around if you know how to handle them. I figured it out a long time ago, and I've tried to help my wife handle them, too. My dad loves to give advice about people's work. He thinks he's a Warren Buffett type who knows all the ins and outs. My wife's job is far removed from what my dad does, so none of his advice applies, but all she has to do is humor him.
Recently, she was giving a presentation to the VP, and my dad found out about it and gave her advice that was a little old-fashioned about what to wear and how to behave. All she had to do to make him happy was pretend she took it and it worked, but instead she told him why his advice wouldn't work, and they ended up arguing, and my dad walked away hurt.
With my mom, it's the same, but for cooking and household stuff. She doesn't believe food can be good if you make it ahead, so she always asks. All my wife has to say is the food was made fresh that day, and my mom would be so happy.
Is there any way to convince my wife to humor my parents, or am I going to have to live with this constant bickering?
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer to prioritize their wife's happiness over their parents'. "Humoring people is just fine if that's what you want to do — but it's miserable if it doesn't sit right, and dishonest," she writes. "And it's downright infuriating if refusing to suck up to intrusive people is identified as the real problem, not the people who refuse to stop intruding." Read the rest of her answer.
Shouldn't Grocery Checkout Workers Thank Customers For Helping To Pay Their Wages?
Is saying "thank you" out of style now? If so, I need to change my ways. Polite people are seen as pushovers, I suppose. When leaving a grocery checkout, I usually thank the cashier, but shouldn't they be thanking the customer? Rarely if ever does that happen! Do they not understand the customer is helping pay their wages so they can buy groceries?
[Creators]
Annie Lane recommends cutting checkout workers some slack. "Showing appreciation or gratitude is always a good idea," she writes. "But expecting a cashier at the grocery store to say thank you might be a little much." Read the rest of her answer.
