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Should I Help My Husband's Ex-Wife Contact Her Estranged Daughters, Whom She Has A History Of Stalking, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Help My Husband's Ex-Wife Contact Her Estranged Daughters, Whom She Has A History Of Stalking?
I married "Bob" five years ago. When we met, he had been raising his two daughters alone for three years.
His former wife has been diagnosed with an antisocial mental disorder. Through the three years it took to finalize their divorce, she was arrested for stalking one daughter after defying a restraining order.
She was not attempting to physically harm the daughter, but was knowingly going against the court order.
She maintained occasional supervised visitation for a couple of years, but again violated a court order and dropped out of sight.
All of this happened before Bob and I met. All of this drama traumatized the children to some extent. They seem afraid of their mother and in therapy have said that they don't want contact with her.
My stepdaughters are now teenagers and are absolutely wonderful.
My husband's ex recently reached out to me via private message. She explained that she had been in treatment and that she is desperate to see her children, now that she has recovered.
My heart broke and I would like to help her.
What do you think?
Amy Dickinson urges the letter writer not to help her husband's ex. "Turn this contact over to your husband," she writes. "His ex is going through you because she believes you will be more easily manipulated (and she's right)." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do About My Suspicions That My Husband Is Using Anonymous Accounts To Write Vicious Reviews Of My Novel?
After many years of struggle, I recently published my latest novel. Great news — it's a hit!
Well, it's not a massive hit, but it has gotten very good reviews, has won a few awards, and has sold more copies than both of my other books combined. With all these wonderful things happening for my career, I know I shouldn't dwell on the negativity I have received on the internet. But I can't help it. There has been so much viciousness toward the book — some of it quite personal — on Twitter, Goodreads, Amazon, and other corners of the internet. All of the hatred has driven me to tears more than once.
Through it all, my husband, who is also a writer, has been so supportive. He was by my side during the long and arduous writing process, happily clinked Champagne glasses with me as the book started to draw attention and accolades he could never dream of for himself, and patiently held the camera while I recorded my promotional TikToks. Most important, he has held my hand and comforted me through all of the online harassment. I couldn't have done it without him.
Or so I thought. For reasons too complicated to get into, I am starting to strongly suspect that my beloved has been using an array of anonymous accounts to post some of the most negative and cruel comments about the book. In fact, I believe he may be the main source of the hatred that has been directed toward me, likely driven by jealousy that I have achieved something he never could.
Unfortunately, I am only 85 percent certain that I am correct. In the past, our marriage suffered when my husband discovered that I had been snooping on his computer and in his private things, and I know that if I were to confront him about my suspicions, he would accuse me of invading his privacy once again. Although this is not the case, I would have great difficulty explaining myself.
But lately I can't even look at him without feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of what he might be writing about me and my book. I have even fantasized about hiring a private investigator to discover the truth. I can't go on like this. What should I do?
Emily Gould advises the letter writer to gather more information before taking action. "Snoop away. Invade his privacy!" she writes. "I would normally never suggest doing this, but in this case, you really need to know whether your husband is harassing you online, and poking around his laptop yourself makes way more sense than hiring a private investigator." Read the rest of her answer.
How Could My Well-Educated Son And Daughter-In-Law Even Consider Calling Their Son 'Bubba'?
My one-year-old grandson was named for my father, William.
That is his name, and I can see his parents calling him Bill or Billy, Will, or even Willie, which I don't love but can tolerate.
Instead of any of those normal names they are calling him "Bubba," which is apparently a thing in my daughter-in-law's family. They're from Georgia, and she said it's what her father and her older brother were called when they were little and what her brother calls his own son, only he's "Bubba J." and my grandson is "Bubba W." when the family is together or conversing about one or the other of the children.
When I hear "Bubba" I think of rednecks and mountain people. Our son is a Boston University graduate, with a master's in education and his wife is a nationally certified high school teacher.
How could people with so much education even consider calling their son "Bubba"?
Susan Writer discourages the letter writer from criticizing their son and daughter-in-law's choice of nickname. "I'm not sure this is a case of your son and daughter-in-law turning their backs on their professional or academic accomplishments," she writes. "They're simply carrying on a tradition enjoyed by your daughter-in-law's family." Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Invite My Friends To My Destination Wedding Without Inviting Their Husbands?
I (32F) just got engaged to my partner (37M). Yay! We are on the same page about wanting a domestic destination wedding with our immediate families and a couple of our closest friends. The two friends he's inviting are unmarried, and though they both have partners we like, we do not plan on inviting their partners and both feel fine about that decision. The issue is that the two friends I'd like to invite are both married… and I don't like their husbands. They're fine, but I only have cordial relationships with them, and I don't really want two men I barely know at my micro wedding alongside our 13 nearest and dearest loved ones. Is it OK to not give a plus-one to a married wedding guest?
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris encourages the letter writer to give all of her friends plus-ones. "The presence of a couple of people you aren't super close to will not take away from the good vibes around your day," she writes. "The presence of friends who are irritated or disappointed about your choices and quietly mumbling about your bridezilla tendencies will." Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Have Responded When My Friend Complained About My Daughter’s Misbehavior, Which I Have No Control Over?
A friend called me, on two separate occasions, to complain about my daughter's behavior towards her daughter at school.
I was a bit taken aback because when my daughter is at school, her teacher is responsible for her. I do not homeschool, and cannot control my daughter when she is not in my presence.
Initially, I offered an apology. When it happened a second time, I was annoyed, but said "thank you." I contacted the school and let them know my daughter was experiencing social/relational aggression with schoolmates.
Since then, my supposed friend hasn't contacted me. I feel that she has reacted emotionally and taken this situation personally.
What is the correct way to respond when a parent is contacted by another parent, and still maintain their respect and friendship?
[UExpress]
"Your friend feels that parental responsibility is not a switch to be turned off merely because a child is out of sight," reply Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona. "As Miss Manners agrees with her, her suggestion to you is that you listen, investigate (if important specifics are in doubt), and respond." That's the entirety of their answer, but read the rest of their column.
Is Reading Magazines At A Bookstore Without Buying Them A Form Of Shoplifting?
At the local Barnes & Noble, the in-store coffee shop is next to the vast selection of magazines for sale. Many coffee drinkers grab multiple magazines and take them to their table with their coffee and read them. After coffee, most, but not all, put the magazines back in the racks without paying for them. They are "stealing" content that is meant to be purchased. Is this a form of shoplifting?
Kwame Anthony Appiah points out that Barnes & Noble doesn't seem to mind when people read magazines without buying them. "Bookstores have always allowed some consumption of unpurchased content — you flip through a book and size it up before you buy," he writes. "And a Barnes & Noble with a coffee shop is going for a certain vibe; there are business benefits in being welcoming." Read the rest of his answer.
