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Should I Attend A Nude Hot Tub Party With My Coworkers, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Attend A Nude Hot Tub Party With My Coworkers?
I’m male, age 56. I work in an office with four women, average age 45. One of the women and her husband just installed an outdoor hot tub on their patio and invited all of us (and spouses) over for a Thanksgiving weekend “tub party.” She told us they didn’t wear bathing suits, so we shouldn’t either and should just bring a towel. All of our co-workers said they’d be there. My wife is hesitant, as I am. What do you think?
[Slate]
Rich Juzwiak describes this scenario as a red flag for the letter writer's human resources department. "Listen to your gut," he writes. "The host's reaction to your RSVP could tell you a lot about who she is and you should use that information accordingly in future interactions." Read the rest of his answer, along with an answer by Emily Yoffe.
How Can I Convince My Ex-Husband To Impregnate Me Four Times And Then Raise Our Children By Himself?
Four years ago I convinced my ex husband to have an open marriage. We are now officially divorced. Before we started the open marriage, I promised my ex we can start a family after we gave it a try. I still want to keep my promise and give him four children. That was the number he wanted. I wanted two, but I'm open to whatever he wants. I'm 34 and I want to do this as soon as possible. Now that he is single, I know he can find someone else. But I fear it will take him a lot longer finding anyone than just trying with me. I know he will be the best dad in the world and he deserves to have children of his own. I know with some certainty that he still wants to have children with me but he is still deeply hurt for what I dragged him through.
I don't want to come off as if I'm manipulating him again. I don't blame him, but I can't wait for him to come around. I also plan to give up all parental rights to our four children. If my ex wants me to have no part in the children's lives, I will stay away. If he wants me to pay child support, I'll gladly do it. I need help to convince him to put up with me for another four more years and be at my side during the pregnancy.
The tricky part is I'm still in the polyamory lifestyle. I know he still wants to have children with me, but he'll never ask me. And in his mind it's probably too soon to be bringing up such a crazy idea. I know this plan sounds very selfish of me and it may seem like another attempt to manipulate him or keep him in my life. I genuinely do want to give my ex husband children. Doing this for my ex is very important to me. I want to make amends for being a terrible wife and ruining our marriage by giving him the only thing I can give him and the only thing he may still want from me. Failure to do this will leave a rot in my soul for the rest of my life.
Jennifer Peepas urges the letter writer to leave their ex-husband alone. “Even in lasting marriages children are not bargaining chips, consolation prizes, or debts owed, so whether he wanted four and you were willing to compromise with two doesn’t matter anymore because it’s done,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Was It Appropriate For Another Parent To Leave Human Bones At My Child's Daycare For The Children To Play With?
Here's a rather odd situation, and I wonder if I'm overreacting. Upon delivering my 4-year-old to day care this morning, I noticed (wedged between the hamster cage and the play dough station) a REAL human skull and a REAL human thighbone. Upon closer examination it was evident that these were not lab specimens because they were actually dirty. Upon questioning the teacher, she confirmed that indeed they were dug up — a child's parent was a doctor and these were from his "private collection," and that yes, he had "dug them up" himself. The kind doctor had brought them in for "show and tell" and then had left them for the kids (4-year-olds) to play with. I was horrified. I can think of a number of medical, health, ethical, legal, and religious reasons why it's not a good idea to have 4-year-olds playing with human remains. I telephoned the director of the school and she, frankly, couldn't understand my concerns. Only after I called the police and the medical examiner's office did she reluctantly take them out of the kids' classroom. Am I the ONLY one who thinks that these are inappropriate toys? Please advise.
[Slate]
Margo Howard encourages the letter writer to find a new daycare. "No. 1, the teacher is, pardon the expression, a numbskull, and so is the school director," she writes. "No. 2, doctors do not 'dig up' carcasses as part of their medical duties." Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Address The Complaints My Company's Executives Post About Me In The Slack Channel They Falsely Think Is Private?
I work for a small fully remote marketing agency. Our C-suite consists of three people with a Slack channel that they think is private but is not. In that channel, they often talk poorly about others in the company, including my former manager who has recently left. Recently, one of them posted my department's salaries and raises and wrote some awful things about why some people got bigger raises than others — I was the only one in my department who got a smaller raise. We don't have an HR department and I currently have no manager.
My question is how or even if I address the comments made about me in the Slack channel, and how do I do that without tipping off to them that the whole company knows about their open slack channel?
Alison Green counsels the letter writer to think about finding a new job. "There's an advantage to not tipping them off, in that you and others will continue to see their unvarnished thoughts about the rest of you — which gives you a very clear lens into the type of people you're working for and how they view you,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Skip The Baby Shower For My First Child Because My Dad Thinks It Means I'm Not A 'Real Man'?
My wife and I are expecting our first baby. The baby shower is next weekend, and I was really looking forward to it. My dad wants to plan something for the guys to do that day. He was shocked when I said I was going to the baby shower. He said that no "real man" wants to go to a baby shower and that I'd be miserable at a "girly baby party."
I think that's nuts; I want to see the gifts for our son and celebrate the new baby. My dad won't back down. He went on a rant about this generation of men letting our wives "feminize" us and how it's ruining society and if I do this he's going to feel as if he failed as a father. My wife has nothing to do with me wanting to be there, but he won't listen.
I don't know whether this is a hill I want to die on, but I also think I'd regret missing our baby shower just because my dad is being an idiot. What should I do?
Carolyn Hax advises the letter writer to stop engaging with his father on this topic. "Ranting, guilting, shame and refusing to back down are all his concerns, not yours," she writes. "They're only yours if you agree to keep listening or feel you have to." Read the rest of her answer.
Should We Praise Our 4-Year-Old For Playing T-Ball And Soccer Even Though We Think He's A Terrible Athlete?
My wife and I have a 4-year-old son who is interested in trying various "pee wee" sports. He has started playing T-ball and soccer.
Both my wife and I are pretty good athletes. In fact, we met in college while playing intramural sports.
Our son is (how to put it?) kind of a klutz. His attention wanders, his coordination isn't quite there, and overall she and I agree that he doesn't seem to have the makings of being an athlete. (We're fine with this, by the way.)
Our issue is that after he comes off of the field, he asks us if he "did good," and definitely wants his praise, even when it's obvious that he did not do well.
I guess we could lie to our son, but we don't feel comfortable doing that. Doesn't over-praising a child create problems?
Amy Dickinson rules that it's not possible to overpraise a 4-year-old. "Find genuine good traits to point out: 'We saw you running really hard to get to the ball,'" she writes. "Please don't label your son as a klutz.'" Read the rest of her answer.
