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Why Won't My Jewish Daughter-In-Law Visit Me For Christmas And Send Her Kids To A Christian Daycare, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Why Won't My Jewish Daughter-In-Law Visit Me For Christmas And Send Her Kids To A Christian Daycare?
My son passed away in a car accident eight months ago, leaving my daughter-in-law, who I'll call Nancy, with my grandchildren, who are 3-year-old twins. They lived in a big city, and they always flew home for Christmas, even before they were married. I'm very worried about Nancy and my grandchildren. Nancy works a very busy job and seems overwhelmed. She refused to fly here for Christmas this year, even though it's barely a 3-hour flight and she visited her family for her Jewish holidays in another state, and she only reluctantly offered for me to stay with them when I insisted I wanted to see my grandchildren for the holidays. When I arrived, the house was a mess, and she seemed frazzled and couldn't socialize very much. The kids seemed miserable and were throwing tantrums, and she seemed too tired to adequately take care of them for the week I was there.
Things have been frosty ever since she refused to let my grandsons be baptized, so I didn't want to criticize her and make things worse, but the situation seems untenable at this point. I gently suggested getting a housecleaner, and she said that she couldn't afford it, even though I'm sure that my son's life insurance must have left her with a hefty sum. I also suggested it might be good for her to get a less busy job that pays more. She's an attorney for a non-profit, and it would be more lucrative and less stressful for her to get a more traditional lawyer job. She got angry when I suggested it, and I don't understand why she won't make these kinds of changes to make her life easier. I also suggested that she could move in with me, and I'd pay all the relocation expenses. I have lots of space, since your buck goes further in the Midwest, and there's a church down the street that has free daycare for the boys. I could even watch them on my time off. She told me bluntly that she thought I should get a hotel, and I acquiesced since she seemed so upset. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do or how to help! She won't answer my calls now, and it's been over a week and a half since I've facetimed with my grandsons.
[Slate]
Nicole Chung advises the letter writer to apologize to Nancy. "Your words and actions now will likely have an impact on how motivated your daughter-in-law is to continue this relationship," she write. "You say that it was strained even before your son's death, because you didn't respect their choice — and it was their choice, to make together — not to have their children baptized as Christian." Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Being Oversensitive By Refusing To Take Work Trips To Regions Where Women Might Call Me 'Dear' Or 'Sweetie'?
I travel for business. There are places in your country where women address all men as "dear" or "sweetie," and no amount of requesting to stop will break the cultural norm.
Having been fired from one job for addressing a female co-worker as "dear," I resent women in these places refusing to stop addressing me as such. To them, I am the one in the wrong.
Part of my issue is that my beloved wife of many years has never called me "dear." She's the one woman I would like to address me as such, but she thinks it's a foolish thing to do and won't.
It bothers me enough that I have told my boss that I won't travel to those areas of the country anymore. As he is a good boss and I am an excellent employee, he does his best to give me assignments outside the "dear/sweetie" territories. Am I being too sensitive?
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin agree that terms of endearment can be patronizing but urge the letter writer to be more understanding. "Presumably you meant nothing predatory when you addressed a co-worker as 'dear,'" they write. "Nor can you suppose that the Southern ladies who call you by endearments are lusting after you." Read the rest of their answer.
How Do I Respond When My Boss Accuses Me Of Having A Secret Email Address, Which Is Actually A Typo Saved In His Contacts?
I've been with a small business for 20 years, handling office duties as the secretary and bookkeeper. The owner, an elderly man who has peculiar habits and is paranoid about various matters, once misspelled my email address on his phone back in 2019. Instead of the correct format [email protected], he added an "A" – [email protected]. Therefore when he emails me from his phone, he is mistyping my email address.
Despite my explaining the mistake and clarifying that it was saved incorrectly on his phone, as well as showing him that he has been mistyping it, every few months he questions how many company email addresses I have (just one!) and accuses me of manipulating the company email settings to create a second, secret address.
It's worth noting that our email server is configured to route all incoming emails, even those addressed to incorrect company addresses under mycompany.com, to his email. He requires that he be CC'd on all incoming and outgoing emails, and insinuates I have created this second, secret email to hide company things from him. I can show him the email server settings that prove each employee only has one account, and prove that firstname"A"@mycompany.com does not exist at all, but he doesn't understand. His conspiracy theories persist despite the facts, and he can talk circles around me. What should I say?
Alison Green encourages the letter writer to think about finding a new job. "You work for someone who is paranoid, doesn't understand email, and thinks that you want to deceive him," she writes. "The paranoia on its own makes this unsolvable." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After My Friend Told Me The Dinner I Was Cooking Sounded 'Disgusting'?
I love to cook, and have been cooking for family, friends and neighbors, mostly as a way of thanking them for a favor or for extra help with an errand. (I'm handicapped and unable to get out much.)
One friend of over 50 years has been a guest in my home numerous times over the years and has taken home many leftovers.
I recently mentioned that I was making dinner for a neighbor.
She asked what was on the menu and I told her. Her response: "That sounds disgusting! Yuck!," followed by a gagging sound!
Needless to say, I was hurt, insulted and shocked, and told her so!
She did not apologize or try to make amends for her remarks.
Since then, I have been having a hard time speaking to her.
She had the nerve to ask when we would be getting together again! I cook good, tasty and flavorful dishes and to even suggest that I would make something "disgusting" was an insult of major proportions.
She has always been outspoken, but this time she went too far.
Do I ignore her rudeness, demand an apology, or blow off a 50-year friendship?
Amy Dickinson counsels the letter writer to follow up with their friend. "You might start by saying, 'I want you to know that I'm still really bothered by your reaction to this. I'm also hurt that you haven't apologized,'" she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Leave A Family Gathering After My Wife And All Of My In-Laws Planned A Lunch Without Me?
During a family trip with my in-laws this holiday season, everyone gathered, including my wife and her sister, brother-in-law and nephew. I've never been close to my wife's family. They've made jokes insinuating that I'm snobbish due to our differing backgrounds. On Christmas Eve, I found out that there was a planned lunch to which everyone was invited except me. My wife mentioned they assumed I wouldn't enjoy the food and decided I'd prefer my own plans. I ended up skipping lunch when they invited me after I asked about it and booking the first flight home without notifying anyone. Was this an overreaction on my part?
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole suggests that the letter writer have a conversation with their wife. "Work together to figure out a way for you to spend time with her family without it being hostile," she writes. "The goal is for it to be warm and friendly." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Do Women Feel Like Only A Bigger Penis Can Satisfy Them?
Why do women feel like only a bigger penis can satisfy them?
[Bustle]
Sophia Benoit debunks the letter writer's assumption. "I've had awful sex with a big dick involved and wonderful sex with a smaller dick involved," she writes. "And lots of good sex without a dick involved at all!"Read the rest of her answer.
