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Is It A Bad Sign About My Daughter-In-Law That She Cut A Visit Short After Discovering A Bedbug Infestation In My Home, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Is It A Bad Sign About My Daughter-In-Law That She Cut A Visit Short After Discovering A Bedbug Infestation In My Home?
Both of our sons came home for Thanksgiving with their families. We put up our older son and his family in a hotel and had our younger son, his new (second) wife and their 5-month-old baby stay in our basement guest room.
How I wish I had switched! On Friday morning, the new wife said she had bug bites. I said that twice in the past I had bites also and thought they were from bedbugs. We had done some internet searching and gone to my dermatologist and discovered bedbugs are not medically dangerous and not the result of uncleanliness. We gave her hydrocortisone and sympathized with her.
That evening, they moved into the hotel. Our son said his wife was absolutely adamant that they get out of our home as soon as possible. She has the reputation of being a "strong" woman, and she earns a very high income, so she can always get her way.
My husband and I felt embarrassed and disappointed that she reacted that way, but we are aware that a first-time, 45-year-old mother probably had mother-bear hormones at play, and we don't blame our son too much for giving in to her demands.
But what did that accomplish? She washed everything they brought in hot water, as did I with everything downstairs. My husband thinks she threw away their suitcases. We will buy plastic cases for the bed, but what else can we do?
Our relationship with her is significantly impaired, and she wants me to tell her she did the right thing. I think she overreacted. Should I just chalk this up to normal in-law conflict and expect time to heal the wounds, or does this portend more trouble down the road?
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer to apologize to their son and daughter-in-law and to offer to pay for any bedbug treatments they may need. "Bedbugs may not be 'medically dangerous,' but they're a repulsive, bloodsucking, time-sucking, money-sucking nuisance," she writes. "Her 'overreactions' populate lists of recommended precautions in the event of exposure (see, 'right thing')." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Mom To Accept That I'm Not Inviting My Aunt To My Wedding Because Her Daughter Died?
I will be getting married in a few months. We are planning and paying for the wedding ourselves. Our save-the-date cards went out a few weeks ago and my mother called me because her sister didn't get one. I explained that we were not inviting my aunt. She is a lovely woman, but she had a daughter who was the same age as me who passed away when we were in high school. My cousin and I were very close and having her mother at my wedding will remind me of how tragically my cousin's life was cut short. I also think it might be hard for my aunt to attend my wedding. I'm sure my milestones make her think of all the things her daughter never got to do. My mom is very upset because we are inviting the rest of the extended family. She says my aunt's feelings will be hurt. I've tried to explain my reasons to my mom, but somehow by the end of every conversation about this, I end up looking like the bad guy. I'd like to think of a way to make my mom understand my position, or at least to just back off.
[Slate]
Hillary Frey sides with the letter writer's mother. "I know there is a 'we're paying, we can do what we want' tautology at work here, but given that you are inviting the rest of your extended family, it sounds doubly cruel not to at least extend the invitation to your aunt," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Coworker To Stop Dropping In On Meetings They Weren't Invited To?
Our local office consists of only 10 employees, mainly software developers. Our office is not too big and the front conference room, where most meetings are held, is the only way to exit the office. So, people occasionally will walk past a meeting taking place to exit the office. That is fine. However, one employee here regularly walks into a meeting in progress and stands there or sits down and begins to listen, occasionally giving comments. All of our meetings are scheduled in Outlook with the proper people officially invited. How should I approach this person and ask them to stop inviting themselves to meetings that they should not be a part of (has not received an official invite)?
I am a manager, but this person is under another manager (who is at the same level as me).But I'm also the office manager as well, so somewhat responsible for everyone in this office from that point of view.
Alison Green advises the letter writer to try addressing the problem directly before looping in the employee's manager. "The next time she starts lurking in a meeting that she wasn't invited to, stop the meeting and say, 'We're in the middle of a meeting. Did you need one of us?'" she writes. "If she says she just thought she'd join in, then you can say, 'Oh, this meeting is just managers.'" Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do About My Wife's Resentment That She Missed Out On A Larger Inheritance By Refusing To Let My Dad Move In?
A couple of years ago, my dad was widowed after my mom died suddenly. He was in his mid-80s but in decent health. He asked (more than once) if he could come to stay with my wife, three kids, and me. I was shocked when my wife told me it was a hard "No," absolutely out of the question. We fought long and hard about it.
It was a very difficult time and truly I still resent it. I was very close to my father, we had an in-law apartment he could have moved into, and our kids adored him and he them. In the end, my brother remodeled a part of his home many states away and my dad went there. He lived there until he died, a few months ago, and we've just recently learned he left a sizable inheritance to my brother while the other siblings and I received significantly smaller amounts of money. My wife is beside herself. She accuses me of keeping this potential inheritance from her when she made the decision she did. But my father never discussed his money with us. I'm under the impression we got the inheritance we deserved and ought to be thankful for it; my wife is quite upset about the money we missed out on. I'm afraid this is going to cause lasting damage to my marriage.
[Slate]
Michelle Herman encourages the letter writer to pursue marriage counseling. "I should think your wife's refusal to allow your father to move into your in-law apartment after he was widowed already did lasting damage to your marriage," she writes. "Her avariciousness is the icing on the cake." Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Wrong For Me To Read My 15-Year-Old Daughter's Diary Without Permission?
My eldest daughter is 15. She is a sweet girl, has friends, and does pretty well in school. Her dad and I love and like her.
She takes basic care of her clothes and her room, but about once a week I go into her room and basically straighten up.
She knows I do this because — well, she sees the result when she gets home from band practice.
My question concerns her diary. She usually leaves it peeking out from under her pillow, and sometimes on top of her bed.
Lately I've been reading through her diary. I haven't seen anything too alarming (or even very interesting), but I'm wondering if what I'm doing is wrong?
My whole family reads your column and we talk about your questions and answers at the dinner table sometimes.
I'm curious to know what you think about what I'm doing?
Amy Dickinson opines that the letter writer already knows that what she's doing is wrong. "The only justification for reading your teen's diary is if you have credible evidence or an obvious concern that the teen might hurt herself or someone else," she writes. "Being curious about your daughter's inner life is not a justification for prying." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get People To Stop Telling Me Stories About Their Dead Pet Birds When I Am Out With My Parrot?
My husband and I own a parrot we take with us pretty much everywhere. He draws a lot of attention and questions from strangers, which I'm usually happy to answer.
You might be surprised at how many people own or have owned birds, and many of them love to share their stories about how their parrot or parakeet died. (It's often from neglect or improper care or breeding.) These stories are often related in a jovial way, as if they should be amusing or relatable. It really upsets me to have to stand there nodding with fake amusement or sympathy. I am tempted to say something snarky, but I refrain.
I love birds, and I don't like being reminded how disposably they are treated. People don't tend to share graphic stories about dead dogs, cats or children in public. It makes me sad to hear about their dead birds every time I go outside to enrich my own pet's life. What can I say to stop this unwanted and depressing storytelling before it gets started?
[UExpress]
"Try being honest and telling these people that hearing about their experience makes you sad, and why," replies Abigail Van Buren. "That should shut 'em up." That's the entirety of her answer, but read the rest of her column.
