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Can I Ask My Coworker To Stop Making Sex Noises While She’s Working, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Can I Ask My Coworker To Stop Making Sex Noises While She’s Working?
I have a relatively new desk mate — we sit probably three feet from each other in an open office setting. She is very nice, but there is something about her that is driving me NUTS. Whenever she gets stressed or upset or is just concentrating a lot, she makes noises exactly like um, sex noises, about every minute or so. Heavy breathing, gasps, and moans … It is maddening!
I have my headphones up on the absolute loudest setting, but the noises are so loud and distracting and annoy me to the point I can hardly sit at my desk.. Can I say something? Or do I have to just suck it up since it is just breathing?
Alison Green suggests a script for asking the coworker to rein in her vocalizing. “This is likely to make her pretty self-conscious for a while, which isn’t ideal, but it’s also true that when you’re working a couple of feet from other people, regularly gasping and moaning is not cool,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Reach Out On Social Media To Someone Who Ghosted Me On A Dating App?
I’ve been using dating apps for some time and haven’t had much luck. However, I did have one connection that came close to a first date. Of course, at the last minute my match decided they couldn’t make it and said how they were “so sorry.”
Prior to the date that never happened, we had some pretty good back and forth. We went into our personal lives and so on; it seemed like it would have been a great match.
After the last-minute rejection, they would go on to ghost and never be heard from again. I really feel like this was a big miss, but I don’t want to pressure them. That being said, I found them on social media and have been debating about reaching out. Is this a really bad idea or worth the shot?
Meredith Goldstein urges the letter writer not to reach out on social media. “My general rule: if someone gives you access to their life outside of an app, you can accept their invitation and offer more on your end,” she writes. “This person canceled a date and chose not to reschedule.” Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After My Friend Blew Up At Me When My Husband And I Declined To Build Her A House On Our Property?
My friend is 15 years older than me. She has her Ph.D. and teaches at a university.
She lives beyond her means and is now working two jobs to help pay her credit card bills. She has been married and divorced twice.
She is fun to be around; we laugh for hours.
She recently asked us if my husband would build a tiny house on our property for her to move into. She expects my husband to build it for her (she would pay for the materials).
My husband and I said no. We don’t wish to do this, for many reasons.
I explained the many reasons we are saying no. Her comment was, “You can always come up with excuses.”
I didn’t let it bother me and went on to change the subject. We started talking about a local environmental issue.
She blew up at me, saying that I was too stupid to make any comments about the environment, because this is her academic specialty. She demands an apology from me for even discussing the topic.
I’m not stupid. It bothers me deeply that she would put me down because I don’t hold a doctorate in environmental science and therefore should never discuss the topic. There has never been a forbidden topic before.
My husband says to let her go her own way, that she was probably upset we said no to her house idea, and she was just taking out her frustrations on me.
I worry about her as she has no close family and has been a part of our family for years. Our daughters call her “Auntie.”
I’m torn on how to handle this. I miss my friend, but now I feel I’m being played.
I would appreciate an outside perspective.
Amy Dickinson opines that the letter writer shouldn’t have provided any explanation for their decision not to build the house for their friend. “You have nothing to apologize for,” she writes. “I suggest sitting quietly while she figures out how to attempt to get back into your good graces.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Apologize For Criticizing My Sister-In-Law For Openly Favoring Her Son Over Her Daughter In A Very Creepy Way?
My niece is 4. My nephew is 3. Their mom is a self-styled “boy mom.” She openly professes that my nephew is her favorite. He is her “little man,” and she talks about how upset she gets at the thought of my nephew getting married and leaving her for another woman. She does this right in front of both kids and pretends that she is upset so my nephew will come over to kiss her and promise that Mommy is always going to be number one. My sister-in-law finds this hysterical. My niece naturally notices this behavior and has repeatedly reported that Mommy loves her brother more than her. Her mother ignores this and so does my brother. He brushes off any concerns about the impact it will have on the kids.
During Thanksgiving, my sister-in-law was pulling the same crap because my nephew was ignoring her to play with his cousins. She started fake crying, and I blurted out that if she kept this up, she was going to end up as one of those mothers-in-law from hell who never gets to see her grandchildren. I guess it struck a nerve because my sister-in-law got very red and excused herself to another room. I thought it blew over, but now my brother is demanding an apology from me or I am banned from attending Christmas at our parents’. It is worth even trying to have a real conversation, or should I just apologize and get it over with? I am really worried about the long-term consequences for both my niece and nephew.
[Slate]
Jamilah Lemieux encourages the letter writer to apologize and also try to have a real conversation. “Let her know that it wasn’t your intention to be hurtful at Thanksgiving, but that you can’t help but notice her obvious preference for her son and how it impacts both of her children,” she writes. “Share with her the things you’ve heard your niece say about the issue.” Read the rest of her answer.
Should I End A Friendship After I Told My Friend Her Stay-At-Home Life Amounts To Sitting Around All Day?
I need guidance on how to recover from a perceived insult. I have a friend whom I met teaching years ago. We had kids around the same time, and she decided to stay home while I returned to teaching. We still hang out quite a bit, and I love our friendship.
I enrolled my kids in camp this summer and got a taste of her stay-at-home life. When we were hanging out the other day, I said I could never stay at home, because I would get tired of drinking coffee and hanging out at home all day. She said: “I don’t sit at home all day. I do more than that.” She abruptly got up and walked away.
When I contacted her, she texted back saying that her feelings were hurt and that she’s feeling as if her husband doesn’t appreciate what she contributes at home. She also said she needs time to recover. What should I do? Should I continue this friendship? I do think she has it easier, because she has one kid and she has all that time when her daughter is at school to get things done.
Carolyn Hax points out that the letter writer’s comment wasn’t a “perceived insult”; it was an actual insult. “You just told your friend that her life was an empty, caffeinated waste of time that was utterly beneath you,” she writes. “Your apology needs to be even bigger than the giant bird you just gave her, and absolutely abject.” Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Productively Correct My Colleagues Who Use Object Pronouns As Subject Pronouns?
I am a writer and editor in my late 60s. I work at a nonprofit with people who are decades younger than I am. They are smart and delightful, but one thing gets me: Several of them consistently misuse pronouns (“me and her did,” instead of “she and I did”). I cringe when I hear it, but so far, I’ve bitten my tongue. Will this mangling of the language hurt their chances for advancement in their careers? Is there a productive way to approach the perpetrators?
Philip Galanes advises the letter writer to correct their colleagues only when they’re collaborating on written materials. “As an editor, you can even ask your supervisor about offering a lunchtime seminar on common grammatical errors,” he writes. “Otherwise, keep holding your tongue.” Read the rest of his answer.
