good question
Should I Reach Out To A Job Interviewer Who Rejected Me To Criticize One Of Her Interview Questions, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Reach Out To A Job Interviewer Who Rejected Me To Criticize One Of Her Interview Questions?
I was rejected from a role for not answering an interview question.
I had all the skills they asked for, and the recruiter and hiring manager loved me.
I had a final round of interviews — a peer on the hiring team, a peer from another team that I would work closely with, the director of both teams (so my would-be grandboss, which I thought was weird), and then finally a technical test with the hiring manager I had already spoken to.
(I don’t know if it matters but I’m male and everyone I interviewed with was female.)
The interviews went great, except the grandboss. I asked why she was interviewing me since it was a technical position and she was clearly some kind of middle manager. She told me she had a technical background (although she had been in management 10 years so it’s not like her experience was even relevant), but that she was interviewing for things like communication, ability to prioritize, and soft skills. I still thought it was weird to interview with my boss’s boss.
She asked pretty standard (and boring) questions, which I aced. But then she asked me to tell her about the biggest mistake I’ve made in my career and how I handled it. I told her I’m a professional and I don’t make mistakes, and she argued with me! She said everyone makes mistakes, but what matters is how you handle them and prevent the same mistake from happening in the future. I told her maybe she made mistakes as a developer but since I actually went to school for it, I didn’t have that problem. She seemed fine with it and we moved on with the interview.
A couple days later, the recruiter emailed me to say they had decided to go with someone else. I asked for feedback on why I wasn’t chosen and she said there were other candidates who were stronger.
I wrote back and asked if the grandboss had been the reason I didn’t get the job, and she just told me again that the hiring panel made the decision to hire someone else.
I looked the grandboss up on LinkedIn after the rejection and she was a developer at two industry leaders and then an executive at a third. She was also connected to a number of well-known C-level people in our city and industry. I’m thinking of mailing her on LinkedIn to explain why her question was wrong and asking if she’ll consider me for future positions at her company but my wife says it’s a bad idea.
What do you think about me mailing her to try to explain?
Alison Green strongly discourages the letter writer from messaging the interviewer. "You told your interviewer that maybe she made mistakes as a developer but since you 'actually went to school for it,' you didn't have that problem?" she writes. "Aside from how rudely insulting that was, that made you look incredibly un-self-aware." Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Respond When My Boyfriend Encourages Me To Become Underweight Again?
I’ve always been on the thin side, even getting screened for an eating disorder in high school — but I just had a high metabolism. My boyfriend of five years said I looked great, and emphasized it was better to be underweight than overweight. A while back, I got covid and ended up losing my sense of smell and even more weight. My boyfriend was very supportive, always telling me I was beautiful even when I felt like death.
This year, my sense of smell came back, and it’s been wonderful: Food tastes good again, and I’ve been treating myself. My doctor was pleased with my health and told me that I’d edged into the normal weight range for my height.
When I got home, my boyfriend was happy to hear I’m doing well. Then he asked about my weight and seemed surprised when I told him. He said, “Wow, I’d never guess you weigh that much.” A few hours later, he brought it up again, asking whether I planned to get any heavier. I said no and that I’m fine where I am. He agreed but said about eight or 10 pounds less would be better. I asked him why, because the doctor was happy and all my labs are great. He said he thought it was normal for me to be on the thinner side and gave a definite weight he thought I should be. I repeated no, I’m running every day again, and I’m fine where I am.
The next day, he brought it up again, asking whether I was going to weigh myself once a week to keep track. When I straight-up asked him why he was so focused on this, he said he didn’t really care that much. I’m not convinced, because he’s still bringing it up. This morning, when I kissed him goodbye, he asked whether I’d weighed myself and tried to get me to check it with him right then. What do you think?
Carolyn Hax encourages the letter writer to end the relationship. "I don't see what there is to interpret," she writes. "He tells you (daily!) exactly who he is and what he values." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My 17-Year-Old To Stop Being So Dramatic After Discovering I Was Secretly Tracking The Location Of His Car?
I have an ongoing situation with my 17-year-old son, “Jacob.” Jacob’s a sharp kid, which causes him to think he knows better than adults in just about everything. Nothing really out of the ordinary, just normal teenage contrariness. He has restrictions on his phone and internet usage, and he knows my husband and I monitor him.
The issue came when he got a car. That gave him a range to go lots of places that he really shouldn’t, and he’s canny enough with electronics that I wasn’t sure we could entirely trust his phone to report his location accurately, especially if he was willing to drop it off somewhere. So I slipped a cheapie phone under the little flap that stores the spare tire, and I could always track the location of that to know where he was driving. About three weeks ago, he had a flat tire and went to change it. That’s when he discovered the phone, figured out what it’s for, and stopped talking to me entirely.
If he absolutely has to communicate with me, he’ll write something, give it to his younger sister, and get her to hand it to me. He’ll sit in the room with me for dinner, but other than that he’ll leave the room when I enter.
I get that he feels oppressed and dramatic, but he knew that I was monitoring him, so this reaction is really excessive. And he has to understand that it’s a dangerous world out there, and that he’s still a child, and not free to roam as he pleases. He has his whole life ahead of him, but he always wants to rush ahead to whatever he wants to do now. I don’t know how to get him to see reason here, especially since he actively refuses to communicate with me in anything but the most perfunctory manner.
[Slate]
Nicole Chung offers the letter writer a script for apologizing to Jacob. "He has a right to feel the way he does," she writes. "You don't seem to trust him to be fully honest with you, and you made that your excuse to be dishonest with him." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Find New Bridesmaids Because The Ones I Chose Won't Travel Long Distance To Spend A Day Dress Shopping With Me?
I am getting married in about six months. I'm the bride and have been excited to plan the wedding. I've been thinking about this for a very long time.
The problem I'm having is with my bridesmaids. I have six attendants. Only one of them (my sister) lives locally because I chose women from throughout various periods of my life.
I have envisioned spending a really fun Saturday dress shopping with my mother and bridesmaids, drinking champagne and trying on dresses, and I've been trying to coordinate this, but none of them seem able or willing to come to town to do this (two of them have family here).
I'm so disappointed and I'm unsure if I have chosen the wrong people to stand up with me.
What should I do? Should I find different attendants?
Amy Dickinson urges the letter writer to give her bridesmaids a break and observes that most weddings aren't like those on reality shows. "In real life, people have work and other obligations; they are financially squeezed and they can't be expected to fulfill every fantasy you have leading up to and including the wedding," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Friend She Needs To Grow Up And Let Me Invite Her Ex To The Party We're Co-Hosting?
"Rachel" and I have co-hosted an annual party for six years. Four years ago, I introduced her to my close friend "Joe," and they dated for a while before he broke it off. She didn't take it well and he has not been invited to the party since. I want to invite him again, but Rachel "just can't do it." I want her to be comfortable, but I don't think what I'm asking is unreasonable. Do I tell her how I feel and that she needs to grow up, or should I consider splitting up the co-hosted party?
Robin Abrahams points out that Rachel already vetoed inviting Joe. "So either split the party, or don't invite Joe," she writes. "Those are your choices — I mean, those are your good choices, the ones that aren't guaranteed to insult and alienate someone you presumably consider a friend, as telling her to 'grow up' would do." Read the rest of her answer.
Can We Tell Our Friend Their New Partner Left Glitter All Over Our Home?
A good friend has a new romantic interest. We are huge fans! The problem: He wears loose glitter in his hair. The last time he visited, our home was covered in tiny, impossible-to-gather pieces of glitter. We want to support this new relationship, and dictating how people dress doesn't sit well with us. But the glitter mess is overwhelming. Can we say something to our friend?
Philip Galanes advises the letter writer to speak to the boyfriend directly. "My theory — after consulting with my barber — is that the boyfriend is not using enough hair gel (or other adhesive) to keep the glitter in place," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
