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Should I Be Concerned That My Coworker's Public-Facing Work Station Is Plastered With Photographs Of Her Feet, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Be Concerned That My Coworker's Public-Facing Work Station Is Plastered With Photographs Of Her Feet?
Joan works with me in an office of about 25 people. It is a laid-back advertising and graphic design office, and most people freely talk about non-work related things throughout the day.
When it comes to Joan, aside from her job here, she is also a foot model for advertisements (not fetish stuff). This would be of little concern to me normally, but her work station is plastered in photos of her feet from various publications. She has also occasionally given demonstrations of what are apparently the best ways to pose one's feet for photographs, and sometimes comments (always positively) about colleagues feet and how they should get into foot modelling too.
We have clients and various external persons come in and out through the office during the day, and they have to pass Joan's feet-filled work station. Although her coworkers have context on her foot obsession and most don't seem to mind it, these external parties do not, and I'm worried it could deter them from engaging with us. Am I right to be worried about this?
Alison Green says that if she were a client who saw a work station covered with photographs of feet, she might find it weird. "If you're Joan's manager or otherwise have some authority in this situation, you wouldn't be wrong to explain it looks odd to people without context and ask her to tone down the foot decor," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
After My Friend's Husband Left Her For Me, Should He And I Buy A Vacation Home In Her Neighborhood?
My husband Matt and I met and fell in love when he was still married to his ex-wife Marisa. Marisa was a coworker who became a friend, and before Matt and I fell in love, she'd invite me to spend weekends at her family's beachside cabin. The cabin is part of an idyllic community of about 10 houses, and Matt and I loved spending time there. Obviously, after the divorce, we weren't welcome there anymore.
It's been almost eight years since the divorce. Matt and I are married, have two kids, and have been looking to buy a second home where we could spend weekends and to where we could maybe retire. Last week, a home in Marisa's beachside community came on the market. It's in our budget, and Matt and I are seriously considering making an offer.
Do we owe Marisa a head's up that we might be buying a home in her community? If we're able to buy the house, should we try making nice with her? My mom says we should find a different vacation home, but Matt and I have such amazing memories of this community, and it'd be the perfect place to take our kids. After eight years, does Marisa still have an exclusive claim to this community?
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris urges the letter writer to find another vacation home and leave Marisa alone. "She doesn't have an exclusive claim to the community, but you should want to give her one, so you can have a claim to a life without a whole bunch of unnecessary guilt and drama," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It OK That My Friend Records Strangers' Conversations And Then Posts Them On TikTok With Condescending Commentary?
One of my friends has started policing strangers' social lives online. If he overhears people gossiping, he'll whip out his phone and surreptitiously record. Then he'll post it on TikTok with condescending commentary. He especially likes when someone sounds off about their friend or boss. This seems like a massive invasion of privacy, and I fear I'm next. Yet my friend says he's just performing a public service by exposing hypocrites. Who's right?
The Urban Diplomat rules that the letter writer's friend needs to stop filming strangers. "Social media has normalized the practice of recording people without their consent — a grievous trend," they write. "Everybody gossips and grumbles, your judgmental friend included." Read the rest of their answer.
Why On Earth Is My Friend So Upset That She Might Not Be Able To Have Children?
A friend from high school, "Susan," turned 45 this year. All of us have been pretty close. Most of us have kids. Some of us don't. It's not a big deal.
Susan and her husband found out recently that they can't adopt because of their "advanced" ages, and they're trying with no success. I had no idea they wanted to adopt, or else I would have told her that myself. We don't really know what to say to Susan because, well, between the two of them, they have six degrees, so surely they know that starting a family at 45 wasn't the most realistic choice? Again, no judgment here!
It's more that I'm shocked at their attitudes. The only thing Susan ever says on the issue is, "It's just not fair! I'm not the person I was at 35 or 40. I'm so much more mature and ready now!" Okay, but babies tend not to care about things like that.
I know she knows all these things (she has to, right?), so I struggle to find the best thing to say. Is there any chance she feels some weird pressure to have kids and she's grasping at straws to defend what others might see as an unpopular choice?
Carolyn Hax points out that the letter writer is indeed being judgmental. "The best thing to say is, 'I'm sorry,' and, 'I think you'd be great parents,' then you remain present for your friend through her disappointment," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Let My 15-Year-Old Niece Vape During A Visit, Since Her Parents Let Her Vape At Home?
My wife, kids and I had a wonderful time visiting recently with my sister, her new husband, and their daughter, "Evie," at their home in Florida.
My kids love getting together with their cousin Evie.
I was very bothered that during our time there, Evie always had a vaping pen in her hand.
No matter what else she was doing, she was constantly vaping.
On several occasions, I observed her going onto the "smoking porch" with her folks and my wife, and vaping while the adults smoked.
I asked my sister why she allows Evie, who just turned 15, to do this.
She said that Evie picked up smoking from her and her husband, and they got her a vaping pen as an alternative to cigarettes.
My wife also smokes, but our kids know that there will be major consequences if they are caught smoking or vaping.
My sister and her husband want to take a cruise, and asked if Evie could stay with us. We agreed, but how do we deal with the issue with her vaping, since her parents allow it?
Amy Dickinson calls Evie's parents' choice to allow her to vape reprehensible. "You've heard the cliché: 'My house, my rules?'" she writes. "Calmly, assuredly, and pointedly raise this in advance of the visit, sharing your non-negotiable with both 'Evie' and her parents." Read the rest of her answer.
Is My 3-Year-Old's Obsession With Metal Music Harmful?
My husband works in the music industry and plays all kinds of music at home. We have an extensive record collection that we keep in the living room.
About eight months ago, my youngest son (now 3-and-a-half) became obsessed with metal music. Alice Cooper, Rob Zombie, and Ozzy Osborne are his favorites. He asks Alexa to play their music every minute that he's not in daycare. He pulls out their records and stares at the covers. If they're spooky-looking and wear makeup, he loves them. Every time we try to steer him toward something more wholesome, he flips out (I think it actually makes him more obsessed with them). I have two concerns:
How harmful are nasty lyrics to a kid? Metal is known for its explicit lyrics of a gory or sexual nature. While he's too young to understand a lot of the references, he's also starting to learn the actual words and not just sing the songs phonetically.
Other people. It's hard to tell daycare that when he sings, "You're a high class tramp," it's from the music he loves the most and we can't bear to take it away.
[Slate]
Michelle Herman points out that many music genres contain lyrics that are inappropriate for children. "Just keep playing lots of different kinds of music in all the genres you enjoy," she writes. "And before you know it, he'll be old enough for you to talk to him about language that isn't suitable for school, even if it's in a song." Read the rest of her answer.
