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What’s So Offensive About Me Asking My Wife For A Paternity Test If She Gets Pregnant, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
What's So Offensive About Me Asking My Wife For A Paternity Test If She Gets Pregnant?
Why does it seem like a husband asking his wife for a paternity test is so controversial and seemingly regarded as one of the worst things possible to ask? There are definitely many wrong ways to ask the question, so please assume the question is asked well in-advance before pregnancy, and that it is asked gently with space for discussion. The online discourse I read from women seems very unempathetic for this issue. What is the harm in a paternity test? Specifically, one conducted after birth where there is no risk to the child. Women (basically) never have to contend with the scenario that the child they're raising may unknowingly not be theirs. Just as there are many experiences and situations that women go through that I, as a man, will never have to contend with but which I am empathetic to, this is one particular issue that women do not have to contend with that men do.
Studies vary, but false paternity is about 1-3 percent, which translates to millions of people in America. I do many things to make my partner feel secure in our relationship, so that she KNOWS something rather than taking it on faith, because why not give a person that level of security if you can? I’m aware that I could do a test in secret, but I do not want to keep secrets like that from my partner. Why is it regarded as so offensive for me to have a fear of mine resolved through a cheap, convenient test? It really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner, who I love, as I have always wanted to be sure of paternity ever since I decided as a teenager that I wanted to be a father someday.
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris offers the letter writer a script for bringing up this issue with his partner. "The reason you're going to cite is not 'there are millions of false paternity cases a year, and it's not fair that you'll be sure that you're the mother but I won't have the same proof that I'm the father,'" she writes. "The reason is 'I love you and trust you, but I have this deep fear and anxiety about this issue.'" Read the rest of her answer.
Should My Wife And I Let My Mom Bring Her Dog Into The Delivery Room While My Wife Gives Birth?
My wife and I are going to have a baby in two months. We are very excited. My mother is very excited, too. This will be her first grandchild. The other day my mother brought up the idea of bringing her dog with her into the delivery room while my wife gives birth.
We all love this dog (and my mom), but this seems bonkers to me. She says it will be great for the newborn baby to get used to the dog and that the dog will be like an "emotional support animal" for all of us. My wife hates this idea, but I'm not sure how to respond to my mother. We agreed to ask you for ideas of what to say.
Amy Dickinson urges the letter writer to set a firm boundary with their mother. "The hospital will not allow a dog in the delivery room," she writes. "And you should not allow your mother in the delivery room, either." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Isn't My Friend More Willing To Listen To The Alternative Treatments I Find For Her Fibromyalgia?
One of my friends has had fibromyalgia for the past year. It makes me sad, and so I like to find alternative treatments and cures and tell her about them. She's gotten really annoyed with me for doing this, but I am only trying to help, and I think she should be more willing to listen to what I've found. She has a doctor she sees regularly and takes medication, but I don't know why she brushes it off when I give her my advice. I feel really unappreciated and am starting to wonder if she even wants to feel better.
Carolyn Hax asks the letter writer to stop questioning whether their friend wants to feel better. "She takes medication and has a doctor she sees regularly!" she writes. "Would you please respect this as her way of handling her illness, and stop trying to force your way down her throat, just to make yourself feel better?" Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Threaten To Sue A Potential Employer To Try To Negotiate A Better Job Offer?
TLDR: I was given a lowball job offer. I said it was less than my previous total comp, which it was. I was asked my previous salary and, stupidly, gave it. Asking salary history is illegal in the nearest city and that may or may not cover me. Can I use the threat of legal action to negotiate a better offer?
I was laid off. I applied for a job at a nearby company a friend works at. The interview process was really fast, less than a week from initial submission to final interview. I thought I killed it. My friend on the inside agreed. But after the final interview it took three whole weeks to get an offer. Apparently the CFO had to sign off on everything personally and had a big backlog.
The initial offer was less than I had been making at my previous job and I made the mistake of saying it like that. The in-house recruiter asked what I was making and I am bad at thinking on my feet, so I told her. This job is in a suburb of Philadelphia, and Philadelphia has the Wage Equity Ordinance making it illegal to ask salary history. If you read the law itself, it looks like I'm covered because the company has employees and an office in Philly. But if you read an official FAQ, it doesn't cover you if the job location is outside Philly, which this is.
Can I use the threat of legal action to negotiate a better offer? I didn't give a number for what I'm looking for. The recruiter ran off to get a new number based on my history. But I want a higher offer since my last salary lost $10,000 in two years from raises not keeping up with inflation. Also, I have experience now in a technology which my prior employer said they would have given me a higher title for if I had had that coming in.
I was thinking about saying, "We don't have to get lawyers involved and let your manager know, if..."
Alison Green rules that the letter writer should not threaten legal action as a negotiating tactic. "Most likely, they'll be put off by the threat and just tell you that their original offer — the one they made without any info about your salary history — is firm," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Valid For Me To Resent My Ex For Not Coming To My Mom's Funeral, Even Though We're Estranged And I Didn't Go To His Parents' Funerals?
My mom passed away recently, and the person I was in a relationship with from adolescence to my adulthood, "Charles," didn't attend her funeral. While I'm currently in a relationship with someone else I deeply love, I still feel my mother was fond of Charles despite our many hardships. Her affection for him showed without a doubt, many times without my involvement. Despite my resentment toward Charles, it never swayed her opinion of him.
I no longer speak to Charles. This pattern was well set before Mom's death. Because she cared for him, I think it was wrong of him not to show up to pay his respects, regardless of what our situation currently is. For the record, I didn't attend either of his parents' funerals because Charles liked to gaslight and cause drama.
Now that I'm no longer a teenager, I see him for who he really is. I thought I was in love at the time, but I realize now that I was still in the "age of innocence." While I no longer want him in my space or life, I still feel his not attending was selfish and pathetic. Are my feelings valid?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren offers her sympathies to the letter writer and urges them to let go of their relationship with Charles. "Charles may have stayed away because he knows you dislike him and felt unwelcome," she writes. "Scrub him out of your head and stop living in the past." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Try To Date The Friends Of The Unavailable Woman I Have A Huge Crush On?
I have a huge crush on this woman. She's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous – and I mean stunning. I thought she might like me back, and I had a lot of faith that she did.
However, I saw her again after hanging out with her a couple of times, and then she mentioned "in-laws" – and then I asked if she was married, and she said she was engaged. I couldn't believe my ears!
It's been almost half a year since meeting her, and I'm still carrying a torch for her. Also, I now have a thing for some of her friends.
There's a lot going through my head right now.
Should I try to date her friends if I know I also have feelings for her? Or should I hope for a chance she might like me back, despite her getting married soon? I wonder about trying polyamory or an open relationship — us being together while she's also with her soon-to-be husband.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure any of her friends are right for me. One has a child (I don't have children). What is the best decision in this situation?
Meredith Goldstein advises the letter writer not to try to date their crush's friends. "It might help to extract yourself from this group," she writes. "Instead of spending most of your social time trying to get closer to her (and imagining ways you could work around her commitment), you could be making new connections." Read the rest of her answer.
