The original conceit of the first "Expendables" was to bring back the action stars of the '80s, well past their glory, into one big team-up movie. This then expanded into movies that were a mish-mash of cameos, celebrities, over the top action scenes and the kitchen sink being thrown in for good measure.
We are now at the point where none of what was described above is happening, besides some additional celebrity appearances. From what we've read, "Expend4bles" is a big waste of money, time, energy and effort, and is one of the worst films of the year. Not our words — we haven't seen it yet — but that's what critics all seem to agree on. Quite heatedly, too.
"Expendables 4," or however it's spelled, is out today in theaters everywhere, and stars Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, Megan Fox, Dolph Lundgren, Tony Jaa, Iko Uwais, Randy Couture and Andy Garcia. May God help us all.
The premise
Jason Statham's knife-happy mercenary Lee Christmas takes center stage this time around in what could cheekily be referred to as A Christmas Story. There's still a top-secret mission run by Sylvester Stallone's cigar-sucking Expendables leader Barney Ross that involves everything from Libyan Gaddafi-era compounds to nuclear detonators that could spark WW3 — but this is Christmas' journey. From Christmas' volatile relationship problems with his CIA-superstar lover Gina (Megan Fox), to Christmas' existential crisis about working too hard (murdering war criminals), to Christmas' broship with Barney — he's all the main focus. As a result, "Expend4bles" plays like a bait-and-switch franchise entry compared to the rest (without revealing other massive spoilers).
The action and CG are bad
It doesn't help that the special effects sometimes seem thrown together with about as much care as the script. Some of the most obvious green screens provide inadvertent comedy. As for intended comedy, the only truly funny scene is when Christmas, sidelined, tries out a job as security detail for an obnoxious social media influencer.
The newcomers can't act
This action sequel features the screen presence of 50 Cent, Megan Fox, and Levy Tran, none of whom have the cinematic legacy or charisma of the aforementioned stars. Jacob Scipio plays the son of Galgo, Banderas's character from the third movie. The only reason I can imagine for why Galgo isn't in this movie is that Banderas didn't want to return. To fill his place, we have Scipio doing an impression of Banderas's motormouth character. None of their characters are interesting. While none of the "Expendables" movies are known for their characterization, these characters are simply not fun to watch. Tony Jaa is a welcome addition to a series where he would truly belong, but he gets saddled with cringeworthy dialogue. You care about these characters the way you care about plastic action figures.
They wasted Iko Uwais
However, the movie is Statham's baby, with Christmas briefly getting himself thrown out of the gang and forced to take on a solo mission to get back in with his mercenary bros. Statham is given a sidekick in Tony Jaa's Decha, while Iko Uwais is the baddie Christmas has a score to settle with. While it's a bummer that Jaa and Uwais never mix it up, one of the better things about the movie is that Statham, for once, takes some licks in the action scenes. Typically, his fights are very one-sided, but Uwais is a formidable opponent when they finally go mano-and-mano, with Uwais landing enough blows that the battle is better than anything we've seen from Statham in a long time. Still, it's a shame that Jaa and Uwais have yet to have a major scrap on-screen, as in their last movie together, Triple Threat, they were allies.
The story, which both matters not at all and far too much, kicks off with a group of baddies stealing a nuclear weapon (thanks for nothing Oppenheimer). Led by Suarto Rahmat, who is played by a largely wasted Iko Uwais of the spectacular The Raid: Redemption and The Raid 2, he wants to use it to start a war between the United States and Russia. Who else can be sent to stop him? That's right, the ragtag team that is The Expendables. This includes Barney, Christmas, Gunner (Dolph Lundgren), Easy (50 Cent), Galan (Jacob Scipio), and Toll (Randy Couture), who are all overseen by their toothpick-chewing handler Marsh (Andy Garcia) who brought this mission to them in the first place. When this operation goes awry and tragedy strikes, they'll have to track down the weapons before it is too late to avert catastrophe.
The script is laughably bad!
The clunky and uninspired dialogue, as awful as it largely is, is delivered with all the conviction and enthusiasm of a damp towel. The actors often look almost embarrassed to say the lines they've been given; the sex toy glimpsed on a bar shelf in one scene delivers a more animated performance than some of the big names assembled here. While there has always been a tongue-in-cheek cheesiness to the franchise's scripting, past casts seemed to embrace it and almost revel in it. In "Expend4bles," it seems they're over it. There's not even much of the knowing, self-deprecating snark that made previous entries appealing. There are nods to Sly's previous onscreen action endeavors, such as Barney's history of thumb wrestling (rather than arm wrestling, à la Over the Top) prompting Christmas to dub him "Thumbo." But it lands as weakly as it's delivered. A run of half-hearted gags about Toll Road's (Randy Couture) wrestling-related ear injury and a wig that Jensen dons runs out of steam almost as quickly as it starts.
Contrast this with an exposition-dump scene that follows shortly thereafter, which consists largely of "Expendables" returnees like Dolph Lundgren and Randy Couture asking each other who series newbies (played by rapper 50 Cent and Andy Garcia) are, and receiving clunky non-answers from the movie's screenwriters. There's no natural chemistry, even among actors who have appeared in multiple previous films together: Lundgren mutters something about his new sober lifestyle, Couture does his schtick where he explains cauliflower ear, and 50 Cent stands stock-still for his non-reaction shots. They're all just milling around until Stallone or Statham tells them where to fire their oversized guns.
To be fair, the ensemble was dealt an albatross of a script. It's littered with expository speech dumps that most of them rush through in a mushed-mouth monotone. No one seems to care enough to elevate the material until Tony Jaa, playing Barney's former associate Decha, enters the picture. He gives his supporting character soulful resonance, adding depth and dimension to a thankless role. He also bequeaths Statham with a good sparring partner as the pair battle their way through baddies aboard the ship. Levy Tran, who plays the group's newbie, Lash, is a magnetic presence who carves out an indelible movie moment of her own. Still, all others' patinas are dimmed by shaky camerawork, poor framing, bad editing and basic fight choreography (e.g. Fox's signature move, locking men's heads between her thighs, is old news).
It's sexist?!
Additionally, casual misogyny is certainly a large part of the Expendables' lives. When Gina is introduced, not only is she dressed in club wear at breakfast time, but she is wailing at Lee that he is a bad boyfriend. She hurls objects like Loretta Lockhorn, a hysterical harridan. Lee and Barney shrug at her outlandish "emotions." The filmmakers present Gina as a stereotypical shrew in a scene where Fox wears her form-fitting date night regalia. "Expend4bles" ogles women while also kind of hating their pesky feelings.
TL;DR
"Expend4bles:" wh4t a lo4d of cr4p.
The bar was already so low, and yet this film manages to sneak under it.
If "Expend4bles" were any more by-the-numbers, it would have a numeral in its title. Oh, wait.
The film's last reel is so awful — so sneeringly contemptuous of our good-faith efforts to play along with these shenanigans — that we leave the theater still thinking of that shot of a corpse's middle finger.
[Image: YouTube]
