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What Should I Do After Discovering My New Boss Is A Former One-Night Stand Who Doesn't Know I Had His Baby, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
What Should I Do After Discovering My New Boss Is A Former One-Night Stand Who Doesn’t Know I Had His Baby?
The backstory: I went back to university in my late 20s to do my PhD, and shared an office with a few other students for many years. One of the students, Jacob, completed his thesis and was moving back to his home country, so we all went out for congratulatory/farewell drinks. One thing led to another and Jacob and I spent the night together. A few weeks later, I realized I was pregnant and I had no way to contact Jacob. His university email and mobile number had been deactivated since he'd left the university and the country. I didn't need anything from him and was fine to raise the child alone, but I thought he had a right to know. I googled him a few times over the years but never found him.
This last week, our department head emailed everyone to introduce and welcome our new manager, Jacob, with a photo and a blurb about his education and work history so I know for sure it's him. The night we spent together changed my life because it made me a parent, so I have thought about Jacob from time to time when my daughter asks about her dad or I notice a genetic trait she didn't get from me. However, I doubt Jacob has given that night a second thought. I have no idea whether he will have any concerns about being my manager given our history, or whether I'm making a bigger deal of this than I should…
In our company, it is common for everyone in the department to reply-all to these introduction emails and introduce themselves, welcome the newcomer aboard and explain how their role will interact with theirs. I'm not sure if my email should note that Jacob and I studied together years ago as a way to get that out in the open? Or should I email him individually and offer to have a discussion about keeping our history out of the workplace if he thinks it's needed? I’d appreciate any suggestions for language that indicates I'm not concerned and will be completely professional.
And then, in direct contradiction to that, I'd also appreciate a script for a separate email saying "can we please meet outside of work because I need to tell you something important about our history" so I can tell him about his daughter.
Alison Green strongly urges the letter writer to talk to a lawyer before doing anything else. "One of you is almost certainly going to need to change jobs," she writes. "Until that can happen, the best solution would be for you to report to someone other than Jacob, but how feasible that is depends on things I don't know, like the nature of your jobs." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should A Company Do When A Male Employee Insists On Using The Lactation Room To Manage His Anxiety?
Our company merged with another and relocated. The new building had family bathrooms that were retrofitted to make a nursing and pumping room with a sink, mini refrigerator, two recliners, electrical outlets and a dimmer switch. Three women in our building use it, coordinating their time on a Slack channel that is visible to everyone.
One of the women went to use the pumping room. She found a man in the recliner wearing headphones and charging his phone. He apologized for losing track of time and not leaving before she needed the room. She emailed him, her manager, HR and both other nursing mothers for clarification.
The mothers' opinion is that this room is set aside for a specific purpose, not as a general relaxing or rejuvenating space. They feel violated that a man is coming to this space just to hang out.
The man provided a doctor's note stating he has anxiety, ADHD and sensory processing disorder, and that he needs a space where he can regroup when the office becomes overstimulating. He asked to join their Slack channel and said he would give them priority.
HR and management are still working out what is legal in this situation under the new federal breastfeeding and pumping rules.
Meanwhile, rumors about this conflict are spreading like wildfire, with people picking sides in a really ugly way.
The mothers would have been more likely to share the space if he had asked first, or apologized for assuming anyone could use it. But he has doubled down on the argument that nobody said it was exclusively a pumping room. He has said things such as "no boys allowed, that is their clubhouse."
What can be done to mitigate the damage and support all employees?
Karla L. Miller explains that the lactation room legally must be available to a lactating employee whenever they need it and suggests finding a different way to accommodate the male employee's anxiety. "Aside from co-opting the lactation room, your employer could provide him with his own office or another room with a locking door, additional breaks, an alternative work schedule or permission to work from home," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do About My Fiancé's Rudeness Toward Servers And Plan To Quit His Job Since I Inherited A Small Fortune?
I am a 27-year-old woman. I was raised with the knowledge that my parents and grandparents were comfortable and that I enjoyed a certain level of privilege as a result. I attended private schools, graduated university without debt, and was given a sizable deposit on a starter apartment which I share with a roommate. However, I also worked from the assumption that I would have to make my way in the world and had student jobs etc. like the rest of my peers and applied to the same job market as everyone else when I graduated. My grandfather recently passed away and left me a small fortune. It is enough that I could invest it and never work again. I love my job so I don't want to do this.
My fiancé thinks this is what we should do. He is in a band and is a talented musician but they haven't taken off yet. Even before this, he only worked 20 hours a week to concentrate on his music. He now wants to quit his job. He also balks at giving a portion away to charity, even though this is a family tradition I would like to continue. I have also noticed some other changes like him wanting to eat at more high-end restaurants and taking an attitude to servers that he didn't before. Given that we both did this kind of work when we were students, I find his lack of empathy awful. We are engaged and I love him but I have concerns that his values have changed since we came into this amount of money. I'm thinking of calling off the wedding but I love him. Help!
[Slate]
Elizabeth Spiers advises the letter writer to see a financial planner and be prepared to end the engagement. "I'm already a bit concerned about your fiancé's values if you're noticing that he lacks empathy now that he has a financial cushion," she writes. "That's a warning sign." Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Deal With My Husband's Racist Harassment Toward My Kids?
I (she/her) have two kids (19 and 20) who I raised as a single mother. My now-husband (their stepfather) is white, and my children and I are East Asian. He was raised with racist ideals, and though he has largely shed those beliefs, some of his "slip-ups" are inexcusable. He rallied his nephews into taunting my daughter with racist slurs and actions on more than one occasion. Whenever I confront him about it, he blames it on his upbringing even though he has said he "moved on" from it. He has tried forcing my kids to change their last names from mine to his because mine is "too generic." I recently found a series of text messages that he sent to them, threatening them to come home from college, calling them names, etc. My husband doesn't know that I've seen it, and he seems very kind otherwise. How do I deal with this?
[Slate]
Jamilah Lemieux encourages the letter writer to seriously reevaluate the relationship. "You should let your husband know that you have a zero-tolerance policy for racism, and for harassing your children," she writes. "If things don't improve drastically, you should reconsider your future with this person." Read the rest of her answer.
Am I A Jerk If I Don't Let Random Strangers Charge Their Devices Using The Exterior Outlet On My House?
Recently I noticed a guy in Onewheel rider gear (knee & elbow pads, combination helmet and sun hat with helmet cam on top) milling around my house. When I went outside, I found that he had plugged his skateboard thing into an exterior outlet of my house. When I asked him why he couldn't use his own electricity, he claimed he didn't have any (probably the kind of thing you say when you're being unexpectedly called out), and told me not to be a dick about it because electricity doesn't cost anything. My house, my rules. But given that electricity is actually really cheap, and that I live in a place that sources most of its power from renewables, should I just let anybody plug in?
[Defector]
Drew Magary says the letter writer did nothing wrong. "Who the f--k is this punk to call YOU a dick when he's hanging around outside your house unannounced and uninvited?" he writes. "He could've been a serial killer for all you knew." Read the rest of his answer.
Are My Older Boyfriend And I Bad People Because I'm Attracted To His Stability And He's Attracted To My Body?
I am 22, and my boyfriend is 31. He has been called a pervert; I have been called a gold digger. Why is it so impossible for people to believe we genuinely just fell in love? I do think I am more attracted to older guys and the stability they offer, etc. He's divorced, and she was older than he and had definitely stopped taking care of herself, gained 40 pounds, etc. It doesn't seem crazy he'd be attracted to the opposite of that. (I jog every morning and eat right.) Does that make us bad people, or everyone's worst stereotype, or what?
Carolyn Hax rules that consenting adults can date whoever they want. "But if you're going to spell out that you're attracted to older guys in general for their stability, 'etc.,' and not just to this one specifically — and that he has earned a little youthful hotness, 'etc.,' after his wife got fat — then please don't feign surprise when people express skepticism that you 'genuinely just fell in love,'" she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
