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Was It Inappropriate When I Responded To My Friend’s Pregnancy News By Telling Her Our Friendship Is Over, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Was It Inappropriate When I Responded To My Friend’s Pregnancy News By Telling Her Our Friendship Is Over?**
One of my closest friends recently revealed to me that she is pregnant and I’m afraid I didn’t react very well. The news was highly unexpected — she is not in a relationship, she doesn’t have a lot of money or a great career, and she got pregnant with a casual hookup, the third time they met, who has thus far given no indication of wanting to raise a child with her. I knew that she, like many women my age, had a deep desire to become a mother, but I had no idea it was so deep that she was willing to become a single mother after a birth control failure.
I am child-free by choice. My parents instilled a deep fear of unplanned pregnancy in me at a young age, as well as a deep disdain for unwed mothers and deadbeat dads, which — for better or for worse — I deeply internalized. (No offense intended to anyone reading this). What is, for her, a dream fulfilled, would be for me a nightmare.
I was highly shocked when she shared the news and, to be honest, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I could not honestly be happy for her, and the most I could say to her was “I wish you luck.” I am ashamed to admit it, but first I bombarded her with logistical concerns (financial matters, career implications, childcare) before telling her: “I know this is selfish of me, but I’m afraid this means our friendship is over.” She assured me that everyone she had told so far had been highly supportive, that for my logistical concerns, she had a plan, and that we could still spend time together regularly — she’d just have a baby in tow. During our conversation, I wanted to cry.
I think part of why I had such an intense emotional reaction was the unexpected nature of the news. Had the pregnancy been planned, had the circumstances been different, or had I had more time to digest the news, I might have been able to respond more positively. As it is, I’m feeling guilty for not being more supportive during what is most certainly a challenging time for her, but I’m also finding it hard to be sincerely supportive when the choices she’s made are so deeply opposite of the ones I would make.
I guess I’m looking for three things here: 1) a judgment call on whether my reaction was inappropriate, 2) validation of my feelings, that you don’t have be happy when people you know become pregnant, and that it’s okay to mourn a friendship that — even if it doesn’t end — is definitely about to change, and 3) a script to apologize to my friend for my inappropriate reaction, without resorting to any insincere “congratulations” or “I’m happy for you.” I’m afraid she took my “our friendship is over” comment to mean I wanted to end it, which wasn’t actually my intention. Can you help?
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris rules that the letter writer’s reaction was indeed inappropriate. “And by the way, you don’t have to be happy that she’s pregnant, but a good friend would be excited that she’s thriving and living the life she wants to live,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Mom To Stop Asking My Dad Or Brother To Fact-Check Everything I Tell Her About My Life?
I’m just looking for advice on a situation that is starting to drive me crazy — my mum won’t accept anything I (she/her) tell her as being true or correct unless it has been “fact checked” by my brother or dad.
Over the last year or so I’ve noticed it becoming a lot more frequent that whenever I say things to her I get some variation of ‘that doesn’t sound right/ that can’t be right/ are you sure? You should go and check with/ ask dad or brother about that.’ Whatever the issue is we are discussing, my dad or brother will invariably go through the same checking process I have already done and come to the same conclusion as me, but because the answer now comes from them she will accept it.
For example — I am currently in the process of moving into a different apartment that will mean finances are tighter for me. My mum insisted I should check to see if I am eligible for state benefits as I am in a low income job. I told her that I had already checked and wasn’t eligible but she didn’t believe me. So last week when I visited them I filled out the eligibility check again to physically show her so she would stop nagging me about it, but even doing it in front of her she still didn’t believe me... She then got my dad to fill it out for me and it was only when he did it and still got the same answer that she very reluctantly accepted that I had been right. I tried to talk to her and tell her that I felt annoyed and hurt that she hadn’t believed me the first time but she became extremely defensive and doubled down on the ‘but you might have put the wrong answers on the checking form’ and then said “but don’t you think it’s always better to get everything checked by one of the boys anyway? I do.”
I don’t. I’m an adult in my 30s, I have been living independently for several years and I resent constantly being second guessed on everything I say and treated like I can’t be trusted to know how to do things or fix things on my own without the help of a male family member…
How do I communicate to my mum that I need her to knock off the ‘fact checking,’ take things I say to her at face value and trust my autonomy to know and do things by myself?
Jennifer Peepas advises the letter writer to take a step back from her family relationships. “Prioritize spending time with supportive people who don’t try to force you to justify your very existence, and when you need acknowledgement and support, skip your family and go straight to people you can actually count on,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do When My Boyfriend Tells Me He Wouldn’t Even Be Talking To Me If His Late Wife Were Still Alive?
I am a 42-year-old single mom who recently began a relationship with a wonderful man. I have two kids from my marriage to an ex who wasn't very kind. We did our best for 16 years (we were young when we met) and finally had to go our separate ways. The man I'm dating is sensitive and kind. He's great to my kids. He's the first person I've dated that I have allowed to meet them.
His first wife passed away three months after their wedding 14 years ago. She had been expecting their first child, and it was a tragedy for all involved. When he speaks about her, I just listen. He did move on after she passed. He remarried and had another child, but it didn't work out. He claims he never loved his second wife. He got her pregnant early on, and married her because it was "the right thing to do."
He still carries a torch for his first wife, whom he calls the love of his life. He keeps a picture of her hanging from his rearview mirror and plans to be buried next to her when he passes. While I understand that love doesn't die when people pass, I can't help feeling crushed when he says, "If she were still alive, we wouldn't even be talking right now." He puts her memory on a pedestal. How do I handle this? I'm not sure I can stay in a relationship like this.
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren encourages the letter writer to reconsider the relationship unless she has a “backbone of steel.” “When this paragon of insensitivity tells you that if she were alive he wouldn't even be talking to you, you would be within your rights to respond by saying, ‘But she isn't, and here we are!’” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Am I A Jerk For Wearing High-Heeled Shoes Even Though My Boyfriend Doesn’t Like It When I Look Taller Than Him?
My boyfriend and I are the same height. He thinks he is short and doesn’t like me to wear heels that make me even the least bit taller. He doesn’t say so, exactly, but he sulks if I try to wear them. Is it really my job to make sure he always is happy, or is it okay to be a “heel” once in a while?
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer to evaluate whether their boyfriend’s other qualities outweigh this behavior. “Whether you wear flats when you’d prefer heels, or wear heels when you’d prefer a date who wasn’t sulking, dating someone immature will always cost you something,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Tell My Employee Never To Deliver A Status Update In Song Ever Again?
I am a newly promoted manager and am stumped on how to handle something bizarre that happened in a meeting today, primarily because my sense of humor is getting in the way. I asked one of my employees to explain the progress he’s made in the assignment he’s been working on, and he said, “I would love to tell you…in song.” He proceeded to pull out a harmonica and “find his note,” before erupting into a musical ditty explaining everything in detail. It was so weird…that I did not know how to respond in the moment. Making it worse is that I find this hysterical, and I could not stop smirking the rest of the meeting. Whenever I think about the occurrence, I start to laugh again.
However, that doesn’t mean I find it acceptable, and intend to have a serious discussion with him tomorrow. But I’m curious to know how you would address it, particularly since my potential laughter and smiling will not convey how unacceptable I find his behavior. I do not want this to seem like a suggestion. Am I immature in not being able to hide these emotions? Am I making too big a deal about the situation? I never thought I would have to deal with this as a manager.
Alison Green asks whether the employee’s behavior really requires a serious discussion. “I mean, obviously you don’t want all status updates being delivered in song, but unless it becomes a pattern, I’d just assume it was an amusing one-off from someone having a good time (which is not a terrible thing if it doesn’t impede people’s work) and leave it at that,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
What On Earth Should I Say When Someone Shows Me A Photograph Of Their Child Unprompted?
I recently saw an old friend that I had not seen in 25 years.
While we were catching up and talking about our children, he showed me a photo of his 19-year-old daughter, whom I had never met.
I did not ask to see a photo. If she was a small child or baby, I would have responded with how adorable she was, but I do not otherwise feel comfortable commenting on a person’s looks.
I did not see that she bore any resemblance to him, so I didn’t say anything along those lines.
It would have been odd to respond that she looked smart or talented.
What is an acceptable response to being shown an unsolicited photo of someone?
I would have been happy to provide a little white lie if I had one in the holster, but I had nothing.
Amy Dickinson suggests a few simple ways the letter writer could have responded to the photograph without commenting on the daughter’s looks. “Your tone implies that your old friend was somehow rudely putting you on the spot in showing you a photo of his daughter,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
