GOOD QUESTION
Should I Divorce My Wife For Not Being More Productive During The Pandemic, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Should I Divorce My Wife For Not Being More Productive During The Pandemic?
Before the pandemic, my wife and I — early 30s, both lawyers — had long working hours and frequent business travel, with weekends spent largely on family events and cultural activities. Once our respective firms sent us to work at home, we calculated we would gain 30-plus hours a week, even while still working full-time, due to not commuting, traveling or socializing in person. We promised each other we would use that time to be productive in ways our prior schedules did not permit. I kept up my end of the bargain: In six months I read 25 biographies, developed decent conversational skills in two foreign languages, upped my running program to the point that I am marathon-ready, and started volunteering for voter registration advocacy, all while continuing to work full-time. My wife has done … not so much. She has been reading fantasy novels, occasionally watching a History Channel documentary, and has generally used the time to “unwind.” I have confronted her several times, and she tells me she is “rejecting productivity culture” and doesn't feel like improving herself right now. We share housework, cooking, and other practical matters, and she does exercise, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated — disgusted, even — that she would waste this gift of free time just to watch TV and read books better suited for children. I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation, but she has refused and thinks she is conducting herself “fine.” Do you have any suggestions, other than divorce?
Carolyn Hax opines that divorce sounds like the best option, given the letter writer’s contempt for their wife. “If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to enjoy life, then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, and free you both to discuss what comes next,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Boss That The Coworker Who Accused Me Of Bullying Is Actually Just Oversensitive?
I recently received feedback at work and need to know how to respond. I think my boss is very wrong, but I am unsure of the best way to make her see that. I started my job last year. My role is highly technical, in a niche industry. Not a lot of people do what I do, so these positions are hard to hire for. One of my colleagues, Sally, accused me of bullying her recently and asked to stop having to train me as a result. The reality is that her training is not very good and it seems when I express that, I am “bullying” her. Her role is tangential to mine and she was filling in for a couple months before they hired me. She does not know how to do everything in my role, although our titles are the same. A lot of my training has been her guiding me rather than providing step-by-step instructions (i.e., actual training). The examples of bullying that my boss gave me include telling Sally that her “procedures are not good” and also a time when I “dismissed” her. The reality is that her procedures weren’t that great and need to be strengthened. When I made the comment, my colleague responded with “you are welcome to make any updates to any procedures” and even said the procedures get better every time someone new comes aboard. She didn’t seem upset. When I “dismissed” her, it was actually a misunderstanding: She was trying to tell me something that I was sure was inaccurate. From my years of experience, I did not think what she was saying could be possible and so I told her, “That cannot be right.” I admit my tone wasn’t completely snark-free, because she went on to explain why she wasn’t wrong and I doubled down that she “must have been mistaken.” She just walked away. I found out from another colleague a couple weeks later that Sally was right and our company is just a rare exception to the rule, but it is certainly rare enough to warrant my pushback. There were a couple other examples, but I hate to bore you with details. These hardly seem like bullying to me rather than misunderstandings. I think Sally is being very sensitive and immature. She is much younger than most people on the team and is further along in her career than most people her age. I think this is a self confidence issue on her part, to know that I was trying to help her see ways to improve her procedures and explaining why she was wrong. I want to tell my boss that Sally would benefit from a backbone and will certainly need one to further her career. It seems my boss wants me to blindly accept everything Sally says as true and not ask questions. How can I convince my boss I was not bullying my colleague but actually trying to help her?
Alison Green urges the letter writer not to try to convince their boss that Sally is the one with a problem. “The right move here is to apologize to Sally for coming across as if you were dismissing her experience and skills, acknowledge the things you got wrong, thank her for training you, and figure out how to take a lighter touch with peers going forward,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell The Woman I’m Dating She’s Not Physically Attractive Enough For My Public Image?
I’m a touring musician and always on the go, so it’s hard to maintain a healthy relationship. Recently, I’ve been spending time with someone I really like. We have great talks. I enjoy her company, and I never get tired of her. The only issue is that she’s not as physically attractive as the women I normally go for. That’s a big deal for me because I make a lot of public appearances, and I don’t think she would fit in. Should I tell her how I feel? If so, how do I do it without hurting her feelings?
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole strongly discourages the letter writer from telling their girlfriend she’s not attractive enough. “What you can address is how she presents herself publicly,” she writes. “Dress codes are normal in life. Just do not talk about her actual looks.” Read the rest of her answer.
Is My Neighbor’s Pet A Bad Moral Influence On My Daughter?
I have a 7-year-old daughter, “Bea,” and we live two houses over from her best friend “Stacy,” also the same age. The two girls go to school together and frequently stay over at each other’s houses now that everyone’s fully vaccinated. Stacy’s parents recently got a pet fox. This is legal where we live, although they would have had to register the animal as an exotic pet. I wasn’t worried at first, but now I’m not so sure. The fox isn’t violent or anything, but almost every time she comes back from their house, Bea tells some hilarious, giggling story about how the fox stole food, or the TV remote, or a bracelet, or something else, and ran around the house holding it in his mouth or trying to bury it somewhere. Last evening at dinner, Bea tried to steal some fries from my plate, and tried to pass it off as a silly joke. I gave her a lecture about how it’s wrong to steal, even as a joke, and I think it sunk in. But I’m worried about the lessons she’s picking up from this animal and am considering not letting her go over to Stacy’s house anymore. Is this a step too far?
[Slate]
Jamilah Lemieux informs the letter writer that they are indeed overreacting. “If you don’t believe in sharing food, or don’t want her to feel comfortable touching your plate without permission, make that clear to her, but please don’t connect fry swiping with theft, nor with the fox,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Was It OK To Borrow A Wheelchair For My Able-Bodied Daughter To Use?
Last weekend, I brought my 8-year-old daughter to a very large museum. Though my daughter is healthy, I knew that she would get tired walking through the galleries, so I decided to borrow a wheelchair from the coat check for her. (I’d recently used one at the airport for my mother, who is elderly and frail.) We had a lovely time looking at art and returned the wheelchair a few hours later. My question: Was it OK for us to use it? We didn’t need the wheelchair, but it made our visit more comfortable and pleasant.
Philip Galanes rules that it is not OK to borrow a wheelchair for a child without mobility issues. “It would have been better to plan a shorter visit that was more appropriate for her age and stamina,” he writes. “If another person who needed a wheelchair tried to borrow one while you had it, that person may have had to wait.” Read the rest of his answer.
Why Should I Like My Family And Friends’ Social Media Posts When I Know They’d Judge Me If I Even Posted Photos Of The Scenery?
Like so many others, I am on social media to stay in touch with family and a few friends. I come from a large family with more than a dozen cousins and two siblings, as well as nieces and nephews. Many of them post photos, a lot of which are about their possessions — "Look at my new car, my new house, etc." And, of course, they expect you to "like" everything. I know, however, if I did the same thing, they would think I'm being obnoxious. Mind you, I'm not wealthy. I would like to post some photos of just the scenery, but if I did even that, I'd be looked down upon. What's the best way to handle all the likes everyone expects with the knowledge that they hold me to a different standard? Sometimes it's infuriating.
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren advises the letter writer to worry less about other people’s expectations. “You are entitled to post what you wish, as well as to ‘like’ or ignore what your relatives post online,” she writes. “Not everyone has the time to validate every post.” Read the rest of her answer.
