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Should I Complain About My Company's Practice Of Only Inviting Men To Its Annual Dove Hunt, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Complain About My Company's Practice Of Only Inviting Men To Its Annual Dove Hunt?
I'm in finance and my company (with 5,200 employees) hosts an annual dove hunt for high net worth clients. Employees are included and it's great opportunity to meet your clients and other employees, especially higher-ups, from other offices. I understood there are director level and up at this event.
The issue is my director sends out email invites individually to male employees but it appears he doesn't invite female employees. Neither I nor or other female coworker in our office received an invitation, although we were asked to provide a list of clients who may be interested. Alcohol is also served at the clubhouse (the Dick Cheney hunting fiasco comes to mind, lol). Not all who go are interested in hunting; my understanding is they go to network.
I'm thinking so many things... guns and alcohol, most women left out. I've been with the company for about 16 months so I don't feel comfortable saying much to my director or even HR. I may feel more comfortable next year asking why didn't I receive an invite. I believe we have ethics line I can call anonymously, but I don't feel comfortable speaking up at this point and am wondering if I should let it go for now.
Alison Green points out that a company excluding women from a networking opportunity counts as illegal sex discrimination. "If you're up for calling your company's ethics line anonymously, you should," she writes. "Also, organizing a work event — or any event — around killing animals for entertainment is disgusting." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After Learning That My Boyfriend Slept With My Mom Before We Met?
I don't know what to do. I'm a 27-year-old woman with a boyfriend, and I just learned something I can't quite figure out how to deal with... He is kind, he is funny, he's great in bed and I have never been so happy. We've been together for a year now. But something happened just recently and I don't know what to do.
My mom and dad divorced when I was in college, and I had a lot of problems dealing with that... Last year, I felt it was time to introduce him to my mom, and I felt that introducing him to her first would make it easier to introduce him to my dad. Everything went well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and conversation and everything. After dinner, my boyfriend and I went back to my place, and that's when everything went crazy. My boyfriend told me that he had had slept with my mom in the past. I was completely shocked. I couldn't believe it.
My boyfriend explained that before we met, he and some friends had been out to a bar, and he met my mom there. He said they had chatted and shared drinks and she had taken him home for the night. He told me it was the only time they had hooked up, and he never met or contacted her again. He was incredibly sorry and he didn't know what he should do, but he believed that telling me the truth was the only right decision... I don't know what to do, or what to think. Should I shut my eyes? Should I forgive him? Should I confront my mom? I love my mom, and I know she has every right to find happiness wherever she can. But with my boyfriend? Somehow, this seems wrong. Please help.
Meredith Goldstein rules that this revelation doesn't have to end the letter writer's relationship. "I know a person who married a sibling's ex, and everyone is cool with it," she writes. "This is different, but it's all about how you and your boyfriend frame it." Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Handle My Husband's Insistence On Waking Me Up With An Alarm That Goes Off 75 Minutes Before He Intends To Get Up?
My husband sets his alarm for 5:15 a.m. He doesn't have any intention of getting out of bed until 6:30. I intend on waking up for work between 6 and 6:15. I set my alarm for the time I want to get out of bed.
His pre-alarm interrupts my sleep by 45 minutes every workday. He doesn't hear his alarm, and it runs and runs until I kick him, in hopes of catching that last wave of sleep. He refuses to make adjustments, saying he needs the extra-long alarm to gradually wake up. I think he's being very rude and inconsiderate. I also don't think that I should have to wear earplugs, as other people have suggested, because I don't want to risk missing my alarm.
May I also add that he's a very loud snorer and he has begun wearing a mouthpiece in the past year that helps with that.
However, I get the impression that my complaining about the alarm, after complaining for years and years of earthshaking snoring, adds to his resistance to remedying the situation. I'm on the verge of moving to a different bedroom, and he says this is a ridiculous thing for me to do because it is one step closer to divorce. I'm at a loss here.
Carolyn Hax recommends sleeping in separate bedrooms, which she says is not a precursor to divorce. "Resenting his needlessly early alarm is one step closer to divorce," she writes. "Watching him choose to stick to his way of doing things when he knows it causes you daily and significant discomfort is one step closer to divorce." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Extremely Sensitive Mother-In-Law Her Clothes Are Too Tight And Too Short?
I'll get straight to the point. My mother-in-law dresses in clothes that are too tight or too short.
The clothes aren't revealing, necessarily, but they don't flatter her figure at all. They make her look like she has absolutely no sense of style. I feel bad for her.
I know that she thinks she looks good in these clothes, but I also know that she would want to know if something looked bad on her.
The problem is, I have absolutely no idea how to broach the subject.
She's an extremely sensitive person and I have trouble talking to her about anything even remotely serious.
I have made her cry on occasion just for bringing something up that other people wouldn't think twice about.
Should I tell her how I feel, or do I keep it to myself?
If so, what would I say?
Amy Dickinson urges the letter writer to stand down. "She no doubt chooses her clothing with some care, and she likely believes she looks good in what she has chosen to wear," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After My Fiancé Told Me To Give My Entire Commission On His Son's Home Purchase To His Son?
I'm a Realtor and managing broker helping my fiancé's son, "Mark," buy a new home. We're set to close next month. Tonight, my fiancé, "Simon," told me I am not to keep any of my commission — that Mark expects me to give it all to him. Granted, I was planning to give Mark a token of appreciation — a few hundred dollars, perhaps — but not my entire commission!
I told Simon he must have misunderstood, that this is my job, my work. No one gives someone their entire paycheck, do they? I don't think there's any way Mark would expect 100 percent of my commission, but Simon says if I don't agree, there will be "consequences."
Our relationship is already strained, and I feel this is not only over the top but also completely disrespectful. I'm trying not to rock the boat with the holidays coming up. Please help me.
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren advises the letter writer to postpone wedding planning until this issue is resolved. "Tell your fiancé to explain exactly what he meant by "consequences" if you don't agree to his son's unreasonable demand," she writes. "Listen carefully to what he has to say." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Do After Learning That My Husband Doesn't Want Me To Move To Be With Him?
I'm facing a significant and unexpected challenge in my marriage, and I could use some guidance. My husband and I have been happily married for over a year, and I believed our connection was strong. Recently, I decided to surprise him by securing a job on the East Coast, where he's located, as I missed being near him. However, when I broke the news to him, I was met with a response I didn't anticipate: He was not excited. In fact, he was upset and suggested that I stay where I am.
This reaction has raised a massive red flag for me since I don't know what this means for our marriage. I am excited about this new job because it's going to be at an accredited university. However, I am alarmed by my husband's reaction, and I don't want to face what lies ahead. What should I do?
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole observes that it's odd for someone to surprise their spouse with a move, instead of talking it through together. "I think you should make an emergency trip to where he lives so you can get a gauge on his life there and find out what your future holds," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
