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How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I Know She Steals $500 From Me Every Time She Spends The Night, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I Know She Steals $500 From Me Every Time She Spends The Night?
My girlfriend and I have been dating for five months. How do I tell her that I know she is stealing from me?
I met "Dian" on an online dating app. The first instance of stealing occurred after two months of dating. I am a bit messy with my wallet, and that day I had withdrawn a significant amount of cash. She offered to organize it for me. The next morning, I noticed that $500 was missing. When I asked, she said I must have misplaced it. However, every time we spend the night together, I notice that $500 keeps disappearing. While it's not a big deal if she asks for it because I'm willing to give, I'm just put off by the stealing antics.
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole encourages the letter writer to be more offended by their girlfriend's stealing. "What in the world would make her think that it is OK to steal anything from you, let alone that much money, and more than once?" she writes. "You absolutely must confront her immediately." Read the rest of her answer.
Did I Do The Right Thing To Withhold Cancer Treatment From A Patient Because I Disapproved Of Her Cosmetic Surgery Plans?
I'm a family physician. A young woman expecting her second child came to me for obstetric care. She had a black eye -- not the first one, she told me. She worked as a topless dancer, but her boyfriend was so controlling and abusive that she did not have money of her own; he didn't even let her have much gas in her car. We developed a relationship meaningful to us both.
About a year later, she told me that she was getting breast augmentation, at a cost of thousands of dollars, which she intended to pay for in cash from her earnings. Around the same time, I discovered pre- to early cancer in her reproductive tract, and treatment was imperative to prevent progression of the disease, or risk dire consequences. She was insured by Medicaid, which is paid for with tax dollars. I think she probably didn't report her entire income to the I.R.S. or Medicaid, or she probably would not have been eligible.
I told her I didn't think I could ethically bill Medicaid for the diagnosis and management of the potential cancer while she was paying cash for breast surgery. (I was also not willing to risk my medical license, though I did not say this to her.) I told her we'd need to look at payment options and discuss them at her next appointment.
She never came back. I still wonder what happened to her and pray she found a new, self-respecting way of life. I wonder if I handled it as well as I could have.
Kwame Anthony Appiah rules that the letter writer violated their duty to care for the patient. "Has anyone you know lost a medical license because a patient misrepresented her income to the state Medicaid program?" he writes. "Whatever your personal opinions might be about this woman's livelihood, your job was to keep her healthy, not to keep her honest." Read the rest of his answer.
What Should I Do After My Friend Set Me Up With A Sex Worker Who Thought I Was A Client?
A close friend of mine recently set me up on a date with an attractive woman. We went for dinner, had a few drinks and then she suggested that for $1,000, she'd come back to my place for the night. I politely declined and she expressed some frustration about me wasting her time. My friend was also surprised and "disappointed" that I didn't take her up on the offer, complaining that I had made him look bad. I'm just a little in shock. I don't have a problem with sex work but I also do not have any interest in it and certainly never solicited it from my friend. I've made it very clear to them that this cannot happen again but I am still at a loss to understand why they would think this is something I wanted and worried that people seem to perceive me in this way. Is this normal? How do I address this?
Jenée Desmond-Harris reassures the letter writer that their friend is the one with the problem. "Don't let it make you doubt or question yourself," she writes. "Given that your misguided matchmaker wasn't able to see the error of his ways and tried to make you feel guilty about how you handled the disaster date he created, block his number." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Ask A Bartender, Who Has Declined To Go Out With Me Multiple Times, To Go On A Big, Romantic Trip With Me?
I am 51 years old. A few months ago, I was able to attend a training in Alabama. During my time there, I met a beautiful bartender. We spent the week chatting with each other. Every night I asked her to go out with me and she would say that she couldn't because she had plans.
At the end of the week I had to say goodbye because I had to go back home, many hours away. But then I went to another training a few weeks ago, and I was able to see her again.
We continued talking, but this time I was not able to stay after because of a new boss who would check the cameras to make sure everyone was out of the bar (at least that's what she said).
I want to take a risk and ask her to go on a big, romantic trip, but I don't know for sure if she will like that or think I am creepy.
Let me know what you think.
Meredith Goldstein instructs the letter writer not to ask the bartender to go on a trip. "Don't pursue someone who's at work, especially if they're in the process of serving a customer (you)," she writes. "You want to meet someone who could walk away at any moment but chooses not to." Read the rest of her answer.
How Do I Tell Men Of Other Races Who Flirt With Me That I Stick To My Own Kind?
I am an average-attractive single woman who lives in a big city.
I am frequently approached by men of other races that flirt with me and try to get my phone number.
How do I tell them I am not interested, without offending them?
I stick to my own kind.
Amy Dickinson points out that men would leave the letter writer alone if they knew her true character. "It is fairly easy to say, 'No thank you,'" she writes. "But if you truly want to repel these interested men, you could tell them the truth: 'No offense, but I'm a racist.'" Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Respond To An Old Classmate Who, After 10 Years Of Silence, Expected Me To Travel Three Hours To Have Dinner With Her?
I am completely befuddled by interactions with a classmate from grad school. We were not friends but our class wasn't large and we did many of the same activities. She invited me to her wedding in the second year of school, which was a bit weird because we weren't friends, but fine.
In our final year of school, many people found out where they would be heading for their first job on the same day. This person had never before called or texted me, but somehow got my cellphone number, called me, and proceeded to tell me how fabulous their job was. This person then asked if I had been hired. I said yes. They asked who had hired me. I told them. The person then hung up on me -- presumably because my job was marginally "fancier" than theirs? I don't know.
I haven't heard from this person since then (which was about 10 years ago). About a month ago, they added me on LinkedIn, which I just got because I hate it, though I need it for work. Yesterday, she messaged me as if we were old friends and told me she was coming to a city three hours away from me. She said, "I'll pencil you in for dinner on Wednesday!"
I find this incredibly weird and presumptuous. I told her I might have a conflict, as I am trying to plan a trip with friends around that time (which is true, but even if it wasn't, I wouldn't travel three hours to see her).
Should I just keep making excuses for why I can't see her? Should I say something more direct?
R. Eric Thomas advises the letter writer to message the classmate to make it clear that they're not up for rekindling a friendship. "You ought to end with something conclusive rather than open-ended," he writes. "So, not 'maybe next time you're in town' but rather 'I'm glad you're doing well. Wishing you all the best.'" Read the rest of his answer.
