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Are My Wife And I Invading My Teenage Son’s Privacy By Secretly Sewing AirTags Into His Coat, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Are My Wife And I Invading My Teenage Son's Privacy By Secretly Sewing AirTags Into His Coat?
The other day, I came home to find my wife sewing Apple AirTags into the lining of our 14-year-old son's coat. She's on edge because he's going away on a school trip in a few weeks, and she wants to track his location. Apparently, she's been emboldened by other parents she knows doing the same thing. Like any dad, I worry about my kid's safety, but this makes me uncomfortable. Are we invading his privacy?
The Urban Diplomat rules that the letter writer's wife's actions have crossed the line into controlling. "Kids need freedom to explore and take risks," they write. "Presumably, your wife trusts the teachers at your son’' school enough to allow him on the trip, so remind her that he'll be in good hands." Read the rest of their answer.
How Should A Workplace Handle An Employee Who Refuses To Close The Bathroom Stall Door When Using The Toilet?
I have (what I think is) an outlandish question for you, but I promise it's true. It comes from my coworker's spouse.
At her place of employment, they have found it difficult to retain anyone in the administrative assistant position. It sounds like there was a lot of turnover in that role, to the point that management is desperate to retain someone… anyone! The current admin assistant, lets call her Feyre, has some personal hygiene issues (i.e. not showering, coming to work unkempt in worn sweatpants, etc.) which had to be addressed by whoever oversees her.
While addressing personal hygiene is not out of the realm of possibilities in the workplace, one startling revelation was that other coworkers have walked into the bathroom where Feyre was "doing her business" with the stall door wide open! The affronted other employee excused themselves immediately and thought it an accident. However, this kept happening and a pattern emerged.
Management approached Feyre with this, and she said she has severe claustrophobia where she can't use the bathroom with the door closed. In order to accommodate her, management made it clear she must either shut the stall door or use the private accessible toilet down the hall. She has refused to do this, and is still using the toilet with the stall door wide open. As management is desperate to retain someone in this position and her work is mildly satisfactory, they still want to keep her.
I'm obviously not in this situation as I don't work there, but I do a lot of the hiring/HR at my smaller organization so I am both horrified and fascinated at what management's next steps should be. We are in Canada so the laws may vary, but at what point does the employer exceed their duty to accommodate an employee for something like this? What would be the best way for management to navigate this situation?!
Alison Green explains that disability accommodations can't violate other people's rights, such as the right not to be involuntarily exposed to nudity. "My instinct is that that's a situation that can't be resolved," she writes, "but when you're at the point of denying a medical accommodation, you want a lawyer to help you navigate it." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Partner To Respect My Decision Not To Recycle?
My partner and I are planning to move in together. I don't recycle, but he does and insists that I do it, too, once we are sharing a home. We can't seem to resolve this!…
I respect his decision to recycle, but he's not respectful of my beliefs. What if he were insisting I vote a certain way? Or not practice a religion?
Carolyn Hax writes that she doesn't respect the letter writer's beliefs, either. "Recycle any reusable resources. Be mindful of the impact of waste," she writes. "Voting and religion are apples and oranges." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Son's Third-Grade Teacher To Give Him Worse Grades In Order To Deflate His Ego?
I have a son in the third grade, "Ray." He likes school, and does well academically, but sometimes struggles with empathy and is a know-it-all. I've tried to correct his attitude, and while I've made some incremental progress, it's nowhere near where I'd like things to be, as Ray's pride provides him with an emotional forcefield that is almost impenetrable.
Near the end of last year, I was at a parent-teacher conference with Ms. G, Ray's teacher. We went over his work and grades, his interactions with the other students — the normal stuff. I asked if Ms. G could, in places where she had discretion, grade Ray more harshly than she's been doing. It's not like elementary school grades mean much of anything, and a lower-scoring report card would knock some of that excessive ego out of him. Ms. G got very hostile all of a sudden and said that the meeting was over — and told me she would be contacting CPS! I guess she realized afterward that she'd overreacted since I was never contacted by them, and I still don't understand why she would jump to child abuse. Still, there's obviously ill will, and we have another parent-teacher meeting coming up soon. What should I say to clear the air and get her to understand what I'm asking for and that it's in Ray's best interests overall, that it's not some sort of crime against my son?
[Slate]
Michelle Herman advises the letter writer to apologize to Ms. G for their inappropriate request. "Teachers have a very specific job to do, one that is hugely important and for which they are generally both underpaid and undervalued," she writes. "Let her do her job. You do yours." Read the rest of her answer.
Is It OK That I Love Both My Wife And My Ex-Wife, Who I Know Still Loves Me Even Though She Ignores My Letters And Phone Calls?
I've been married for eight years. I love my wife with my heart and soul. The problem is, although I'm in love with her, I still love my ex-wife. I never actually expressed these feelings toward my ex until recently. I write to her and call her, hoping she will answer. I don't want to leave my wife because she's a good woman. But so was my ex. What can I do?
Every time my wife and I have a disagreement, I start thinking about my ex and what life would've been like if I had stayed with her. I find myself thinking about her more and more often each day. I know my ex still loves me, although she won't come out and say it. Is it OK to be in love with one and still love the other?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren recommends counseling. "You say you 'know' your ex-wife still loves you although she won't come out and say it, nor does she answer your passionate letters," she writes. "I'd say her refusal to communicate sends a pretty strong message that she doesn't feel the way you do." Read the rest of her answer.
What Should I Say When Men Tell Me I'd Look So Much Better If I Dyed My Hair?
Being a brunette, I started getting gray hair in my early 20s, and it became noticeable in my mid-20s. I dyed my hair from about ages 26 to 32 to hide it but decided to stop, due to cost and it being generally not healthy.
I'm now heading toward my late 30s and am probably one-third gray. I receive so many comments from so many people about my gray hair. It's never good/positive comments, and almost 100 percent from males.
They'll say things about how I should dye it to look younger, ask why I don't dye it, or say I would look so much better with it dyed. Some are co-workers or others I know personally; other times, it's random strangers I'm interacting with for the first time.
I think it's rude. I never know how to respond. Any suggestions?
[UExpress]
"I'm so sorry it bothers you," Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin suggest saying. "I'm happy with it." That's the entirety of their answer, but read the rest of their column.
