Can I Skip An Active Shooter Drill Because I'm A Survivor Of A Mass Shooting, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Can I Ask To Be Excused From An Active Shooter Drill Because I'm A Survivor Of A Mass Shooting?
I am the survivor of a mass shooting that took place in 2017. I am still dealing with the trauma in therapy. The time has come for annual safety training at my workplace, including active shooter training. Is it reasonable to ask to be excused from at least this portion of the training? Having gone through it last year, I know that it is a triggering experience for me (I didn't ask to be excused last year because I didn't realize how hard it would be). Is this a reasonable request? I'm sure my therapist would provide me with an excuse if needed. The only issue I see is that there is an argument that I need the training to know how to respond to such a situation, know the evacuation plan, etc. But I've done it once and I know the gist (run, hide, fight, etc.). Would appreciate your thoughts!
Alison Green encourages the letter writer to ask for permission to skip the training. "You can point out that you did the training last year, that it was incredibly difficult because you've been through this for real, and that you've mastered the info," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Coworker To Stop Asking Me About My Boyfriend, And Only About My Boyfriend?
My co-worker is always asking about my boyfriend, what he's up to, when he's coming next to have lunch with me, what he thought of the latest episode of a show he likes, and on and on. At first I thought it was a great way of taking interest in me, but she never seems interested in getting to know me much better outside of him. We have lunch every once in a while but we don't get closer as friends, whereas she always wants to talk about him. It's not like I feel she's going to steal him away, but it is getting old and I am almost embarrassed for her. But it's not an easy thing to bring up.
Andrea Bonior suggests redirecting the conversation whenever the coworker asks about the boyfriend. "Maybe she has a huge crush on him and can't hide it," she writes. "Or maybe it's a passive-aggressive jab that conveys that she thinks your boyfriend is more interesting than you are." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Narc On My Church's Music Director About Her Drinking Problem?
The music director at our church — I'll call her Mildred — is an alcoholic. I realized it after I offered my home to her when she said she needed to escape from her alcoholic partner. Mildred is a nighttime drinker and imbibes until probably 2 a.m. She says she can't get to sleep until the "middle of the night."
I was married to an alcoholic for many years, yet I had no idea Mildred had a problem until she lived with me for those few weeks. She left my home giving me the various reasons why I wasn't nice enough to her and has returned to her alcoholic partner.
Should I say anything to the administrator of the church? At this point, it's my word against Mildred's, and her problem will be discovered sooner or later. Your advice?
[UExpress]
"If Mildred's drinking negatively affects her work, tell the administrator," replies Abigail Van Buren. "If not, keep the bad tidings to yourself." Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Ban My Husband's Friend's Mom From My Home After She Ordered Me To Do Chores And Insulted Me?
"Todd" is my husband's best friend whose wife just left him and their 4-year-old son to be with another man. Todd has his mother "Kay" watch his son while we fill in the gaps when we can. They both work. I stay at home with our infant and toddler. Kay treats me like the hired help. There is never a thank-you or hello; she drops her grandson off with me at a moment's notice and often is hours late. I have spoken to my husband and Todd to no avail and tried to let it wash off my back until the last incident. Kay dropped off her grandson and three loads of laundry and instructed me to wash and fold them "since I am not doing anything else." I had my baby crying in my arms, and I tried to argue that I was watching the children and wouldn't have time. Kay looked at me and then at my messy living room and sneered at me: You aren't doing that "good of a job—just get it done." I didn't, and when Todd came to pick up his son, I exploded on him. I told him exactly what his mother said to me and I didn't want her in my home ever again. Todd could bring his boy over, but I would never open the door to his mother again. Todd has done this, but it's very difficult for him. My husband keeps wanting me to relent; Kay has always been a "crazy old bat," and I shouldn't let her get to me. I put up with Kay for months. I love Todd and his son, but I am not going to be treated this way anymore.
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg rules that the letter writer's request was reasonable. "If your husband is so concerned about helping his friend, why doesn't he volunteer to share pickup duties a few days a week?" he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Apologize For Asking My Sister-In-Law To Give Me Her Belongings And Never Offering Anything In Return?
My brother-in-law married a woman in her late 60s, who has collected things for years. We (my husband and I) used to go visit them once a month for a few days.
She has no grandchildren, and we have four. One time I asked her for something for my oldest grandchild. She gave me a beautiful music box, and then I asked her for a doll. She gave me one, but I put her on the spot and asked for another.
Now I see that, after coming to their house for years and never taking them out to eat or bringing them anything, we were wrong.
Now anytime we mention coming to visit they have other plans. I know it's because I was asking her to give me things, but she has so much!
Now she is so cool to us, and we know we're not welcome. How can we fix this?
Amy Dickinson offers a script for an abject apology. "The way to fix this is to acknowledge their generosity, acknowledge your own greed, and then apologize for it," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Give My Kids' Friends A Warning About Real Guns If I Let Them Play With Squirt Guns?
For my preschool-aged son's birthday party, we bought (zany, colorful) squirt guns as a party favor. Our kids love to run around in the backyard squirting each other on hot summer days, and I'm fine with that—over time, it has given us good opportunities to talk about challenging subjects in bite-size, age-appropriate ways (i.e., guns: never touch a real gun; if you ever see a real gun or someone tries to show you one, leave immediately and tell a grown-up; it is only a game if everyone is having fun, etc.). However, I'm unsure whether giving squirt guns to others' children is appropriate. If it matters, we aren't gun owners; my partner did not grow up around them, but I did, and neither of us would ever want a real gun in our home.
I'm debating creating separate gift bags without the squirt guns, making a partywide PSA such as "never touch a real gun—and remember, squirting someone with a squirt gun is only a game if both people are having fun," or something to that effect. My partner feels my concerns are overblown and says mentioning it would make things weird, but wouldn't stop me if I insist on it. I feel the conversation is important but don't know if this is the right place for it or what exactly to say. Any advice?
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe discourages the letter writer from making a PSA at the party. "Formal ruling: Squirt guns (the kind that are not designed to look like actual handguns) are fine," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.