Should I Disavow Vaccines In Order To Be My Boyfriend's Sister's Bridesmaid, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Become An Anti-Vaxxer As A Condition Of Being My Boyfriend's Sister's Bridesmaid?
My boyfriend and I are getting engaged soon. So are his older sister and her boyfriend. She has strong anti-vaccine views. I have made it abundantly clear to my boyfriend that I do not agree with her position, and I will not allow our (future) children to be around her (future) children until they are up-to-date on their shots. The other day, she told my boyfriend that she would only let me be a bridesmaid at her wedding if I changed my views on vaccines. What do I do?
Philip Galanes recommends refraining from arguing about children who don't exist yet. "If she establishes an anti-vax litmus test for her bridesmaids, simply pass politely on the opportunity," he writes. "But don't throw gasoline on this fire, either." Read the rest of his answer.
Can I Ask My Boss Not To Hire My Former Friend Because She Had An Affair With My Dad?
I am employed by a nonprofit that works with low-income students. I love my job and think my doing it has a positive impact on others…
We are hiring a new person… and our manager sent us a shortlist of people she was considering. She asked us if we had any input/prior interaction with the candidates. The problem is, I do, and I don't know how to broach it with her.
I don't think I can work professionally with one of the candidates — let's call her Cersei. We used to be friends and she was my roommate for a brief time, including when I was hired by this organization — so they know I know her.
However, a few months ago I walked in on Cersei and my father having sex. It turned out that they had been having a full-blown affair for as long as we'd been roommates. Apparently one of the reasons she'd moved in with me was to be closer to him.
I've completely cut Cersei out of my life (my father is obviously also complicit, but my mom is staying married to him, so). I don't really trust myself to interact with her without going all Septa Unella SHAME on her — and now there's a chance she's going to be hired into a position I'd have to frequently work with her in.
My questions are these: the manager asked us to tell her if we had any input on the hiring decision. What do I say? Do I have the grounds to say anything?
Alison Green encourages the letter writer to tell their boss that they wouldn't feel comfortable working with Cersei, without going into the gory details. "If I were considering hiring someone, I'd sure as hell want to know that it was going to make one of my existing employees so uncomfortable that they'd need to quit — and I'd want to know that before I made any hiring decisions, not after," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Best Friend His Dad Likes And Comments On The Instagram Photos Of Very Young Boy Models?
My best friend's father is an avid user of social media. He's retired and spends most of his day posting memes on Facebook and Instagram. Recently, I realized he might not know how Instagram works. I noticed over the past week or so that he has been following, liking, and commenting on a lot of Instagram pictures of young gay men. I don't think he realizes that anyone ho follows him can see that activity. At first I was worried, not because he might be gay or bisexual, but because he may still be "in the closet." He's married, with a son (my friend), and to my knowledge, if he is bisexual or gay, nobody knows. I thought about warning him that his activity is public, but then I saw more. Not only has he been liking pictures of younger looking men, he's also been liking and following accounts of very young boy models. Underage boys. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but the evidence is there. So now I've gone from wanting to warn this guy that he may be accidentally outing himself by not knowing how apps work to feeling morally obligated to tell my friend that his dad is into dudes and might be a pedophile. I can only imagine the ramifications this news would have on him and his family.
Dan Savage acknowledges that the letter writer doesn't have enough information to know whether their friend's father is in a position to actually hurt a child in real life. "I would say something to the dad, perhaps via direct message (you could create a throwaway account and reach out anonymously), and I would also say something to my friend," he concludes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Coworker's Children To Stop Relentlessly Mocking My Disability?
I have a disability that requires me to use a cane on bad days. On a Saturday, a co-worker left her elementary-age children in the lobby, and they proceed to openly mock me and imitate how I walk. It left me in tears. I was in a lot of pain, and it brought up bad memories of my childhood. I didn't take it to my manager directly. I took my co-worker aside and told her what her children did. She got defensive and told me they were "good" and I was "no good" (English is her second language). I was sympathetic until she tried to grab my cane and called me a "fake." I went to my manager. He talked to her. Since then, the children no longer imitate me but use slurs they think I can't understand. This has gone on for several weeks. I hoped it would go away, but the kids find it funnier to yell offensive terms at me as soon as they see me get out of my car (I learned a lot). The company doesn't allow children on the property, but the on-site managers ignore it and let the kids run outside and watch TV in the lobby. I am not sure what to do. If I record the kids and complain to the higher-ups, that will impact many of the co-workers I actually like. I don't want to cause trouble.
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg advises the writer not to record the children but to ask their bosses to take the situation seriously. "Go back to your manager and tell him you're prepared to bring this issue to HR and upper-level management because it hasn't improved and is making it difficult for you to get your work done," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Shouldn't My Husband Pay For 100% Of Our Vacations After I Sacrificed My Career To Take Care Of Our Kid?
My husband and I met five years ago. We traveled extensively, mostly out of necessity. I worked as a consultant, traveling for work.
Vacations were great because my work travel gave me point status at hotels, as well as big client bonuses.
I now work from home and take care of our 1-year-old.
My husband and I were planning a vacation but when I told him that I didn't have status points or cash to pay for "my third" of the costs, he didn't want to go. (Previously, I always paid one-third of the costs, proportional to our incomes.)
I am deeply hurt by this. He can afford it. He just does not think it is fair that he has to pay for the entire trip. I am making a huge sacrifice by staying home. I'm sacrificing my career (and my sanity). I can't believe he does not have my back!
I feel like I am not a partner, but a roommate. We split our other bills evenly.
So now I wonder what happens if I get sick or lose my job.
Am I overreacting?
Amy Dickinson suggests marriage counseling to help the letter writer and their husband agree on more realistic expectations of each other. "A person who clings to the concept of 'fairness' has not absorbed what it really means to be a parent or a partner," she observes. "Ideally, life should feel balanced, but no — it is not fair." Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Blame My Aunt For The Fact That Family Members Don't Want To Travel To Hawaii For My Wedding?
My fiance and I are planning a Hawaii wedding. We're from the East Coast. We would love for all of our family to make the wedding, but we understand some of our family and friends won't be able to make it.
I have an aunt who is notorious for influencing others to make family vacation plans within driving distance because she has a fear of flying. That fear is now interfering with our wedding. She is not willing to come to Hawaii because of that fear, and now her parents and her siblings are frustrated with us for planning a wedding that is not within driving distance.
Are we crazy to think this day should be about us and should be where we want it? Or should we fold and have the wedding somewhere she can drive to? Am I being an ungracious bride?
My family can't seem to understand there will be an irreparable rift between my aunt and me if she ruins yet another family event.
Carolyn Hax urges the letter writer to accept that plenty of people have valid reasons for not wanting to travel to destination weddings. "Weddings don't suspend the laws of autonomy and consequences," she writes. "You choose the wedding you want, yes — and accept the consequences of your choices." Read the rest of her answer.
