The Most Ridiculous Guy From John Mulaney's Latest Stand-Up Special Is 100% Real And 100% Weird
A few minutes into John Mulaney's new Netflix stand-up special "Kid Gorgeous at Radio City," Mulaney goes on a tear about school assemblies. At the 11:30 mark, he starts telling a story about a Stranger Danger assembly which, I assumed as I watched, was probably real but heavily embellished:
We had the same Stranger Danger speaker every year, his name was Detective J.J. Bittenbinder… go ahead and laugh, his name is ridiculous. That was his name, it was J.J. Bittenbinder. He was from the Chicago Police Department, he was a child homicide expert[…] try being seven years old and you're sitting five feet away from him — he's still got blood on his shoes — and he's looking at you in the eye to tell you for the first time in your very young life that some adults find you incredibly attractive and they may just have to kill you over it. Okay, c'est la vie, go be kids, go have fun.
Good news: the internet never forgets anyone, especially not Chicago cops fond of three-piece suits, pocket watches and shouting "STREET SMARTS!" J.J. Bittenbinder isn't just a real guy who was really exactly like what Mulaney describes — you can actually watch what he was like.
Bittenbinder wasn't just a regular on the school assembly circuit — he parlayed his scared-safe schtick into two television specials on PBS. Thanks to YouTuber akduh01, we can watch J.J. in all his mustachioed, Albert-chained glory:
In the first eight minutes of this clip from the special, Bittenbinder manages to make fender benders, elevator rides and stairwells sound like the scariest, most unsafe situations in the whole world — so yeah, Mulaney's really not exaggerating much if at all with the whole "STREET SMARTS" routine.
But wait — Bittenbinder had another TV show called "Tough Target" where he peddled his terrifying tales alongside cheesy dramatizations:
If this looks familiar to you, maybe it's because you've seen "Tough Talk" parodied by Bob Odenkirk on "Mr. Show."
The episode: "Now Who Wants Ice Cream?" The sketch: "Take Back The Streets". The character: F.F. Woodycooks (why my mind didn't immediately leap there watching Mulaney, I don't know). The immortal line: "Shake the crime stick!"
Who knows if Bittenbinder's terrifying tales and strange advice have ever helped someone avoid a mugging or assault, but one thing's for sure: some of the best comedians of the last twenty years can't help but love the guy.
