23andMe Released The Grinch's DNA Results To Promote The New Movie And We Are So Confused

23andMe is a personal genetic testing company that offers customers​ reports about their ancestry and health. "The Grinch" is a forthcoming animated film based on the classic children's book by Dr. Seuss and featuring Benedict Cumberbatch's voice in the title role. We know what you're thinking: a match made in heaven!

At least, that's what some marketing geniuses at 23andMe and Illumination Entertainment apparently thought, because they decided to release the Grinch's DNA test results on the 23andMe website.

The Grinch's genetic report is full of painfully forced cross-promotional copy like, "Nabbing gifts and sliding down chimneys all require a bit of speed. His fast-twitch muscle fibers that are useful for mischief making likely have the alpha-actinin-3 protein." We learn that the Grinch is, according to his genetic profile, unlikely to have a fear of heights but likely to drink lots of caffeine, prefer salty to sweet foods and be lactose intolerant. In a rather glaring oversight, considering that he is a furry green monster who appears to belong to a completely different species from the Whos down in Whoville, we do not learn where his ancestors are from.

There's also a commercial in which the Grinch, over the course of 30 seconds, comes to appreciate 23andMe's insights into his habits and tendencies:

After reading about the Grinch's genome, we are questioning everything we thought we knew about DNA and, more generally, biology. We are also wondering whether anyone at 23andMe or the Seuss estate has ever read the Clickhole article entitled "Good Call: Dr. Seuss' Estate Just Discovered — And Promptly Destroyed — A Letter Where The Author Reveals Which Race The Grinch Was Meant To Be," a satirical premise that now seems more uncomfortably plausible than ever. Our best guess is that 23andMe and Illumination Entertainment felt left out by the "most ambitious crossover event" meme from earlier this year and decided they wanted to out-crossover Marvel. 

Despite all the questions, there's one thing we're sure of: We're never getting this illustration of a cross-section of the Grinch's muscle fibers out of our head: 

 

[Via Amanda Hess]