Should I Tell My Employee I Found Out He's Not Really Paraplegic, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Tell My Employee I Found Out He Doesn't Really Need The Wheelchair He Uses?
I'm a manager in charge of a division at my company. "Drew," one of the people I manage, uses a wheelchair. When first hired, Drew was told to ask if any accommodation was needed. He has never asked for any…
Drew has mentioned being a paraplegic but to my knowledge has not elaborated or said anything about how and when it happened. Drew is outgoing and popular, gets along with everyone, and is one of those people who has the gift of being able to talk to anyone… Drew's work has always been good and I have never had a problem with him or anything he has done.
Why I am writing in to you: Not long ago, I saw a short film online about people who believe they are disabled but are actually not. Drew was in it. He is not a paraplegic and does not need a wheelchair. In the film, Drew walks and is clear that he is not paralyzed and has no actual need for a wheelchair but uses it because he feels as though he was meant to be a paraplegic. It is for sure Drew and it was recently made. At least one of the other people I manage has also seen it. She discreetly came to my office and mentioned it to me…
I normally would never say anything about the private lives of the people I manage, but Drew comes to work in the chair and uses it full-time and does mention being paralyzed. I am concerned the company may look bad if anyone finds out and says something. Is this even something I can talk to Drew about?
Alison Green of Ask A Manager points out that this is tricky because Drew may have a condition called body integrity identity disorder. "Given that it's reasonably likely that there's a mental health disorder at play here, and given that it doesn't sound like it's impacting anyone's work, I'd leave it alone," she suggests. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Ask My Daughter-In-Law To Return A Ring I Gave Her So I Can Give It To Her Niece As A Promise Ring?
My youngest son and daughter-in-law were very close with me until several years ago. I have no idea what happened between us, but they became very distant…
When my son told me they were getting engaged, I said that I would love it if they would accept the engagement ring that I received from my grandfather when I was 18…
When they officially announced their engagement I noticed she was wearing a different ring. I asked my son why he didn't give her my ring. He said that she simply wanted her own.
Well, eight years later, I have never seen her wear it. I have asked about it a few times. My son asked me to leave it alone…
My oldest son and his wife are blessed with five boys and one girl. My princess granddaughter has just turned 13, and is going to her first cotillion ball. I would love for this child's father to give the ring to her as a promise ring to stay a virgin until she gets married, when another man would put another ring on her finger.
Of course, if I ever saw my daughter-in-law wearing the ring, I wouldn't ask for it back. Can you help me ask for it back?
Amy Dickinson, aka Ask Amy, is not a fan of promise rings, and she's not a fan of asking for gifts back, either. "You didn't ask her if she wanted it or if she would wear it," she reminds the letter writer. "You gave it to her, and now you are trying to attach strings to the gift." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Law-School Classmate To Stop Picking Cat Hair Off Of Me Without Asking?
I'm a law student of a certain age (mid-30s) and a custodian to 2 cats (a black and a gray). Meaning that no matter what I wear, I've got some visible cat hair on all my outfits. After being a cat mom for 10 years, I've come to terms with it…
However, for my 22 year old cohort-mate, this is a way of life she can't abide. This young lady feels extremely free to reach out and being removing cat hair from my person whenever she's within arm's reach. She does it in class, when I'm sitting beside her. She does it in casual conversation, when other people are present. I can only surmise she's a "motherly" type, who thinks she's helping…
I've told her repeatedly to stop, that I don't care if there's cat hair, that I like it just fine, that maybe I want to take my babies with me all day! Her response is "It bothers me" as if that's a valid excuse for breaching the sacred three foot bubble… I want her to stop; I've told her to stop, but apparently what I want doesn't much matter…
I need some thoughts, or even a script on how to make a "professionally appropriate scene" to get this young woman to keep her hands to herself!
Jennifer Peepas, aka Captain Awkward, is very happy to offer a script to the letter writer. "I suggest that the next time she reaches for you, you catch her hands between yours, look her in the eye, and say '[NAME], DON'T TOUCH ME,'" she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Why Did My Parents Pressure Me To Move In With Them If Now They're Going To Keep Me Cooped Up In My Room?
I suffer from a debilitating, rare, chronic illness. Two years ago, my parents convinced me to move across the country to live with them in a city I've never lived in. They promised it would be "only for a year," they'd pay the cost of moving and finance a "year of wellness." I was to receive acupuncture, massage therapy, physical therapy, help from doctors, a personal trainer, etc.
They paid to move me, but have not followed through with any of their promises to help treat my disorder. What's more, I have had to fit an entire apartment's worth of furniture and other items into a small bedroom, and I'm not allowed to use the rest of the house.
Now that I am here, I can't afford to pay to move back east or possibly find a place to live or work without being established in this new city. Is there a way to address the predicament I am now in and the fact that they relocated me without keeping their promises? I'm extremely shy and have made no friends in this town these past two years.
[UExpress]
Dear Abby, aka Abigail Van Buren, expresses alarm at the letter writer's description of her situation. "Contact your doctor back east about what has been going on," she advises. "Of course, if you have friends there, you should alert them, too." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can We Tell The 140 People We Sent Save-The-Date Cards That We Changed Our Mind About Inviting Them?
What would be the proper way to change your wedding plans after a "save the date" has been sent out?
We want to have a small, private ceremony with just immediate family. Our "save the date" went out to 140 people. How should we let them know of our change of plans?
[UExpress]
Miss Manners, as you might guess, does not approve of retracting wedding invitations. "Miss Manners urges you to follow your private ceremony with a reception for all whom you have asked to expect to be invited," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Force My Friends And Family To Give Me Feedback On My Writing?
I enjoy writing so much that it is a key part of who I am. Though I would like to be published, I know that the chances of that are infinitesimally small. Still, I love it and it is also crucial in alleviating some of my mental issues. It is impossible to overstate how important this is to me.
My problem is that none of my friends or family, despite being mostly readers and no matter how much I beg, will read anything I write, even enough to tell me they don't like it. All I get is lame excuse after lame excuse. Some of them even come to me for writing advice for their work and yet still refuse to read mine. It's gotten to the point where it's hard to even look at my social media friends list without lathering myself into a frothing, seething rage. I just want the people in my life share in this important aspect of myself. Love it? Tell me why! Hate it? Tell me why so I can do better! Alas, no, and I've half a mind to put out a social media post blasting everyone, delete all my accounts, and start over from scratch. Please help. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I want to share my passion, but nobody will have it.
[Slate]
Dear Prudence, aka Mallory Ortberg, encourages the letter writer to stop asking his or her friends or family to read his or her work. "Join a writing group, take a class, and find other writers you don't have pre-existing social relationships with who are also looking for feedback," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
