Am I Crazy To Suspect My Therapist Hooked Up With My Boyfriend, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Stop Seeing The Therapist I Suspect Of Having Had An Affair With My Boyfriend?
I just started seeing the same therapist my boyfriend went to until three months ago, and I can't shake the feeling that something happened between them. It was the way she was smiling when she was talking about him and the fact that she mentioned him without it being necessary. Also, he told me one of the reasons he stopped seeing her was because their conversations "got too casual" and the fact that I don't trust him or myself. I asked him about it. He told me nothing happened between them and then immediately asked why would I think that. What should I do? I can't stop thinking about it and would like to search for another therapist if something were to have happened between them. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg encourages the letter-writer to find a new therapist. "I have no idea what exactly happened between the two of them, but it's not unreasonable for you to express curiosity over why he left her practice," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Tell My Boss I Know She Drunk-Dialed My Husband?
I work at a high level in marketing, and I'm supervised by Tammy, an older, moody, and somewhat unpredictable woman… A few weeks ago, we had a massive networking event and dinner for my industry that spouses were invited to, so my boss and everyone got to meet my husband for the first time. It seemed to go well.
Then, the following Friday night, my husband told me that he received a very strange call from someone he thought sounded like Tammy (she has his number as my emergency contact)… He said he answered the phone, and a lady who sounded like Tammy asked him what he was doing that night. He said she sounded kinda drunk. He asked her if this was Tammy, my boss, and she chuckled and said yes. After a couple more moments of somewhat slurred speech, he hung up and she didn't call back. He immediately told me about it when I got home…
I am angry that Tammy, whether she remembers it or not, tried to come on to my husband. I wanted to confront her, but I have no idea what I would say. My husband is upset as well and thinks Tammy was out of line. Am I just supposed to try to forget this ever happened? I can't look at Tammy the same way anymore.
Alison Green suggests casually asking Tammy if she was looking for the letter-writer when she called the letter-writer's husband instead of angrily confronting her about it. "This is your boss, you have to work with her, she has control over your quality of life at work and your actual job, and there's more to lose than to gain by causing significant tension in the relationship with her," Green points out. Read the rest of her answer.
How Weird Is It That My 6-Year-Old Son Got Some Lumps Of Coal As A Gift?
My 6-year-old son is obsessed with gems and jewelry… Acquaintances, charmed by his budding interest in geology, mailed him some stones.
The stones in question are: two lumps of coal, and some rocks they'd gathered from Mount Rushmore. Am I alone in thinking this is a bizarre present for a kid? …
The coal, unfortunately, is very shiny, which means my son loves it. It is currently sitting on top of his dresser. I find the lumps of coal … unpleasant. Also, the kids like to play with them, and bits break off, and I find having scraps of coal lying around on the floor not only messy but disturbing. I have read that coal can (probably under different conditions than our house) self-combust. It is also, depending on the purity of the coal, slightly radioactive. I have no idea what kind of coal it is, and I realize these are not big issues and that it is not likely to catch on fire or make us sick. They are, though, big lumps of coal. Whenever I think about dealing with them, I come back to the weirdness of us having them in the first place…
I should mention that, in a loose doomsday-type way, my son understands the role of coal in climate change, and he is very sensitive about having it at all — he seems to feel guilty and wants us to back him up on how pretty the coal is, despite him thinking it is essentially evil. He seems to be conflicted. We are all conflicted. Please help.
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe deems coal a very normal gift for a rock-loving 6-year-old and suggests some parental reframing of coal's role in climate change. "It's one thing to raise children to be aware of climate change, but this might be a bit of a wake-up call that you may have gone a little overboard in sharing your own very real concerns with a sensitive 6-year-old," she observes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Fair For A Driver To Charge Car Pool Members For Maintenance And Replacement Costs?
I've been a part of a car pool for several years. Recently I asked the main organizer (one of two drivers) for a breakdown of the charges he levies on each member. I was stunned to find out that he was effectively doubling the cost of each trip by charging for every conceivable cost of maintaining his car — including depreciation, tires, routine maintenance — and soon, the cost of a new car. It's his car; he would be driving to work each day regardless of whether there were other passengers or not. I feel that charging anything above gas and a driver charge is unfair.
Choire Sicha writes that he always thought that car pools involve sharing the burden of driving, making charges unnecessary. "Run, quit, emigrate, anything, just get away!" he advises. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Wife To Stop Vetoing Items I Choose At The Grocery Store?
My wife and I often grocery shop together. My wife will predictably identify something among my few items and ask that I return it to the shelf. It reminds me of a mother telling a child to put back the Lucky Charms. Yet she may have a few similar items.
I typically put up some resistance but relent to avoid an in-store argument. These episodes have taken their toll on me.
I have voiced my feelings to my wife in the moment and during therapy. These small issues have become a metaphor for what I feel is belittling me and my role…
Should I simply stand down from shared shopping excursions? Is "giving up" a healthy strategy? I will need to explain why I no longer accompany her.
Carolyn Hax opines that the letter-writer needs to "decline to be controlled" by their wife. "Tweak your phrasing to reflect the situation, of course — but when you're told to return an item, a cool and quiet, 'I am not your child,' will suffice," she suggests. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Girlfriend It's Not That I Don't Want To Marry Her, I Just Don't Want To Marry Her Now?
I'm in a four-year long relationship with my girlfriend and we recently just moved in together. A few nights ago she was upset at the fact that we still aren't married after four years. I keep telling her that I'm not ready to be married until I am at a certain financial level. I reminded her how far I've come to fulfill that goal over the past four years and that got her to calm down again. My concern is that she's done this a few times already and I have to keep reminding her as to why I am not ready yet. I feel like she's pressuring me into marriage due to the fact that her mother does not approve of us living together if we're not married. Also, I think she feels guilty for disappointing her mother. I explained to her that living together before marriage is a great way to truly know each other and see if we both are ready for marriage. She also tells me that she's impatient with waiting what she thinks will be years before I am at the financial level I wish to reach. We both love each other and I don't want her to feel like I never want to marry her. How should I handle this situation without making her think that?
Dana Norris informs the letter-writer that his arguments are actually not probably reassuring to a girlfriend who wants to get married. "People who want to get married get married," she notes. "People who don't want to get married don't get married. Today, on this very day, you do not want to marry your girlfriend." Read the rest of her answer.
