How Should A Woman Respond When Told She Should Have A Man's Name, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
What Should I Do After My Boss Told Me, A Woman, That I Shouldn't Have A Woman's Name?
I am female and work for a large predominantly male company… The other day, while getting a coffee from the common area, I ran into my boss's boss, who I have a completely formal relationship with. After literally saying just "Hi, how are you" to him, he said to me, "Katie, your name should be Bob. Doesn't seem like you should have a woman's name at all." — apropos of nothing. He went on about how a woman's name didn't suit me… a woman.
I was caught completely off guard. I carried on the conversation as if it didn't bother me but I deeply regret not telling him he was being inappropriate. I consider myself to be a pretty average woman, and am absolutely in line with the office dress code. I feel incredibly irritated by this comment, and the meaning of it totally eludes me. I have a feeling never in 1,000 years would he say to my male colleague, ""Mike, your name should be Tiffany! You're not really manly at all!" All I can conclude is that my boss's boss has a serious etiquette problem. What should I do, if anything?
Alison Green of Ask A Manager confirms that this comment seems way out of line and sexist no matter how you read it. "If you have decent rapport with your boss, you can mention it to her and if she has any idea what it meant," she adds. "She may know her boss well enough that she can take a better stab at interpreting it than I can." Read the rest of her answer.
How Do You Respond When Someone Says Being Pregnant Is Equivalent To Bringing One's Baby To The Office?
A professor in our department took leave in order to give birth. When we heard the happy news that a baby girl had been born, I commented, "I wonder if she plans to bring her in?" It is always exciting to see a new baby.
One of our colleagues replied, "She already HAS brought her in," clearly meaning that the lady had come into the office while still pregnant.
This colleague is known to be the only fundamentalist Christian in the building. I'm not sure if he was trying to be funny or to make a political statement. I was stunned into silence. Is there anything one could possibly say to something like this?
[UExpress]
Miss Manners suggests assuming — or pretending — that the comment was made with good intentions. "If Miss Manners did not object to infants at work, she would have lightly told your co-worker that it is more fun to interact with a baby who can grab one's finger and gurgle," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Skip My Sister's Wedding If She Doesn't Stop Taunting Me About My Abusive Ex-Husband?
My sister "Lana" is getting married to "Matthew" in July. Although we are not close, I was excited when they first got engaged. My marriage ended because my husband repeatedly assaulted me physically and sexually. Lana taunts me about being divorced. My parents and I have asked her to stop numerous times. Now that she is engaged, Lana takes every opportunity to mention my own wedding and subsequent divorce. Matthew has even begun bringing up my wedding.
I don't want to skip my sister's wedding, but I don't want to spend thousands of dollars to attend a destination wedding where the bride is deliberately cruel to me. Lana seems to have little self-control around this subject. Still, my parents are putting intense pressure on me to attend her wedding. What should I do?
[Slate]
"Do not attend the wedding if your sister continues to mock you about divorcing your abusive husband (and has even started roping her own fiancé into the action)," writes Daniel Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Friend To Return My Ridiculously Expensive Handbag, Which She Claimed Was Lost?
Years ago, I lent my friend an expensive handbag. (It cost more than a car.) We agreed that I would ask for it back when I wanted it. Two years later, I asked for it back. She told me her sister borrowed it and lost it. I was extremely annoyed but let it go. Later, I ran into the sister. When I asked how she lost the bag, she said she had no idea what I was talking about. Since then, I saw my friend wearing the bag at an event. She lied to me! I asked for the bag immediately, and have reiterated the request several times since then, but she always puts me off. What should I do?
Philip Galanes recommends sending the friend a note giving her a week to return the handbag — and then involving law enforcement. "After sending a version of this note, and waiting said week, turn over the matter of the automobile-priced purse to the local police," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Why Don't My Relatives Reply To The Cards I Send Them On Behalf Of My Mother, Who Has Dementia?
My ninetysomething mother is in a nursing home with dementia. I visit a couple of times a week, which is hard because she doesn't know who I am. I send cards to family with sentiments I know she would feel — "I'm proud of you," "Congratulations on your new job" — signed "Grandma's scribe." My true purpose is to get them to send her a note or flowers, little niceties that brighten her day even if she only remembers them for five minutes. I'm a little angry that far-away family seem to have forgotten her but I don't see a point in directly confronting them. What do you think?
Robin Abrahams tells the letter writer that their anger is justified but should be directed at their mother's disease, not their relatives. "What you are going through is horrible," she writes. "But our anger doesn't mean that anyone is doing anything wrong, even cousin Amy." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Does My Daughter Dress Her Children In Ratty Clothes?
My daughter has zero style sense. She tints her hair every color under the sun and dresses straight from the sale bin at the thrift store. She mismatches any and everything she puts on, and she's doing it to her children, too. Their clothes are dingy and outdated. I have bought them stylish clothing. She returns them and gets the ugliest clothes.
She also gives the kids hideous haircuts. If I take them to a stylist, she will buzz the entire cut into a Mohawk. My granddaughter had the most beautiful long hair, and my daughter just cut it into a mullet with short bangs.
Why does she want her kids looking ratty? She keeps a clean house and is an involved, loving mother. It drives me crazy. I try to keep my mouth shut because a gift is a gift. But it really annoys me that she will take back a top-label shirt and exchange it for an ugly one, or a pretty, sparkly dress for my granddaughter for a trashy-looking blue velvet dress with yellow rubber boots. Why?
[UExpress]
"You are asking the wrong person that question," replies Dear Abby, aka Abigail Van Buren. "This is something you should ask your daughter." Van Buren hypothesizes, quite reasonably, that the letter writer and her daughter simply have different tastes in fashion. Read the rest of her answer.
