Should I Apologize To My Black Coworker For My Racist Infant, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Talk To My Black Coworker About The Fact That My White Baby Started Crying When They Met?
I'm a white parent with a white family, in a predominantly white area. When my kids get closer to school age, we'd like to move into a more diverse area, and for now I try to choose books and media with diverse characters. However, yesterday, at a company party, my 4-month-old met a black person (the significant other of a co-worker) for one of the first times. He had just finished telling me how much babies love him; then, my infant took one look at him and started crying. I gave a weak excuse about her being hungry, but it was pretty transparent.
I'm embarrassed and unsure if I should address the situation with my co-worker or pretend it didn't happen. Any thoughts on how to handle my racist infant?
[Slate]
"I firmly and unreservedly forbid you from ever speaking or thinking about this utter nonevent ever again," replies Nicole Cliffe, who goes on to encourage the letter-writer to spend more time with black people for their own benefit. Read the rest of her answer.
Do I Have To Pay Back The Money My Ex Loaned Me, Which I Signed A Contract Promising To Repay?
I recently ended a long relationship (we were engaged for several years)… While we were together, my fiancé gave me a loan to help with rent while I was on a low-paid work assignment as part of a graduate program. The sum was not small, but also not cripplingly large — about what you would pay for a used car, and he could afford it.
He asked me to sign a contract — a template he pulled offline. As part of this deal, he stipulated that if we ended up getting married, said contract would be null and void. However, if we broke up, I would be bound by this contract to repay him the money. I signed the contract.
When we broke up, he insisted I repay the money. I feel strongly — and this view is backed up by friends and family — that this was money he invested in the relationship while we were together, and like many other financial hits both of us suffered by separating, he should forgive the debt, cut his losses and allow both of us to move on. He was in a much better financial position than I, and it would be easier for him to take the loss than it would be for me to repay him.
He did not agree with my rationale, and since I was bound by this contract, and my own sense of pride and duty, I began making monthly payments, albeit small ones…
I know that it's likely I am legally obligated to repay the rest of this debt. However, I think it's unlikely that my ex will go to the trouble of taking legal action to pursue repayment. It's probably not worth the cost, time and hassle.
Ethically and morally, is it OK for me to just stop making payments?
Kwame Anthony Appiah informs the letter-writer that they are, in fact, ethically and morally obligated to pay off the debt. "If you want to break the connection with your ex, take out a loan for what you still owe and pay him off now," he suggests. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Rich Sister-In-Law To Stop Showering Expensive Gifts On My Son While Ignoring My Daughter?
My sister-in-law is a multimillionaire, and for years has showered over-the-top gifts (new iPhones, multiple $500 gift cards, thousands of dollars in donations to his fund-raising efforts) on our now 17-year-old son, but not his sister. He's uncomfortable and our 20-year-old daughter is clearly hurt. My husband is not able or willing to confront his sister. Any advice?
Robin Abrahams suggests sitting down with both children and then presenting a united front to the sister-in-law. "The three of you could confront Auntie Jerkface yourselves, with steely holiday smiles and an announcement that lavish gifts make the family uncomfortable and there is now a spending limit of $50 per person, or that you would all prefer donations to charity in the future, or what have you," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Husband To Sleep With A Sex Worker Even Though He Doesn't Want To?
My husband and I will be touring Northern Europe. We are in are 70s and 60s respectively. I want to stop in Amsterdam and let him experience the red light district. He isn't getting any younger, and this would be like a last hurrah. Several years ago I took him to a nudist colony where he could enjoy looking at 20 yr old bods in the flesh, sitting next to them in the hot tub and sauna. His friends were so envious! We are in a monogamous relationship but we both realize we are nearing the end of our existence and are trying to cram as much as possible into these last few years. I recently tried smoking pot legally as I never thought it would happen in my life time. It was not a good experience, I passed out and fell flat on my face, but heh, at least I got to try it. My husband is unwilling to even entertain the idea of a visit to Amsterdam. He has no problem in the erectile department with the help of the pill. We still enjoy an active sex life though it's not what it was in our heyday. How can I convince him that he may never get this chance again (with my blessing) and may have regrets when his sexual organ finally gives up the ghost.
Harris O'Malley urges the letter writer to talk to their husband about where his resistance comes from. "Maybe he feels hesitant because of the social stigma of seeing a sex-worker, even where it's legal and accepted," he writes. "Or he may just plain not want to sleep with someone else — permission or no — even if it might be his last chance at a fling." Read the rest of his answer.
Can I Fire My Bridesmaid In Retaliation For Her Not Asking Me To Be Her Bridesmaid?
I got engaged in May and asked seven girls to be bridesmaids. Of those seven girls, three of us are lifelong friends with varying degrees of current closeness. I am very close with two of the three but decided it would be very hurtful to not include the third so did. Well she got engaged three months later and is including the other two girls and not me in her bridal party. Now I'm very hurt and regret extending the offer to her, since she obviously didn't feel the same way. I also feel if she knew this was her plan she should have declined participating in my bridal party. At this point my wedding is nine months away and hers is about a year a half. Is it wrong to ask her to step down from being one of my bridesmaids?
Liz Moorhead pairs this letter with a second letter from a person facing the same situation from the opposite perspective, and then offers a succinct reply: "It's not tit for tat, guys. Stick with the bridesmaids you picked." Read the other letter.
Update: Why Is My Employee Asking To Receive Annual Birthday Perks Even Though She Was Born On Leap Day?
Remember this letter from back in February from a boss who thought it was okay to exclude one of their employees from annual birthday benefits that every other employee at their company gets because she was born on Leap Day? Well, Alison Green published an update from the letter-writer this week, and it is infuriating:
People seemed to be unclear on the policy even though I stated it. Employees must take their birthday off. This is mandatory and not voluntary. They are paid and don't have use their own time off. If their birthday falls on a weekend or holiday, they get the first working day off. There is no changing the date. They must take their actual birthday or the first working day back (in case of a weekend or holiday). People love the policy and no one complains about the mandatory day off or the gift card.
She had worked here for 2 years. She did get her birthday off in 2016 as it was a leap year. She did not get a day off in 2017 as it is not a leap year and didn't get this year either. If she is still employed here in 2020 she will get a Monday off as the 29th of February is on a Saturday. This is in line with the policy. Some of the comments were confused about whether she ever had a birthday off.
The firm is not doing anything illegal by the laws here. She would have no legal case at all and if she quit she will not be able to get unemployment. She is not job hunting. She has known about the birthday policy since February of 2016 and has been bringing it up ever since. She has complained but has not looked for another job (the market is niche and specialized). Morale is high at the firm. Turnover among employees is low. Many people want to work here. Aside from this one issue she is a good worker and would be given an excellent reference if she decides to look elsewhere in the future.
Green, who has been running updates from other letter-writers all month, replies, "I don't usually add anything of my own on to updates, but I want to state for the record that this is insane." Read the hundreds of enraged comments on the update.
