How Bad Is It To Post Surreptitious Photos Of An Obese Coworker Online, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Bad Was It For Me To Take A Surreptitious Photo Of My Obese Coworker And Post It Online?
I did something really stupid and insensitive. Now I'm worried I might have ruined my personal and professional life. I work in an office where most of my co-workers are friends. Recently I snapped a picture of my co-worker "Shannon" and shared it in an online community where we discuss the obese people in our lives. (The picture was taken at work, but I didn't upload it there.) Shannon's picture got more attention than I anticipated and made it to a news feed for a broader audience. Someone from work saw it and told Shannon (outside the office). If I were Shannon, I wouldn't have brought it up at work because I'd be too embarrassed, but she mentioned it in the break room. Shannon's friends are on the warpath and are pushing her to go to HR. I didn't use my main account to post the picture, but someone could potentially identify me. I'm not sure if I should go to Shannon and apologize (I am deeply sorry I've hurt her), go to HR pre-emptively, or just stay quiet. If people find out I did this, they'll hate me. I didn't say anything mean about Shannon when I posted the photo, but others did.
[Slate]
Dear Prudence, aka Danny Ortberg, sees right through the letter writer's excuses for their actions and urges them to take responsibility for the harm their actions have caused. "Rather than wait to be identified, since you already know that's likely to happen, spare Shannon the further agony of wondering who did this to her and tell HR that you're the one who did it," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Is It Okay To Exchange Your Child's Gifts 'For Something More Appropriate' Before His Birthday Party?
My sister sent out text invitations for her older son's eighth birthday party. Included was a note requesting that all presents be delivered, unwrapped, at least two days before the party…
I purchased a building set that my nephew had mentioned and, though I thought the request was bizarre and crude, dropped the toy off the day before the party. My sister was annoyed that the present was "late," but accepted it.
On the day of the party, the boy sat down to open his gifts and, much to my surprise, the gift from me was not the one I purchased. Apparently, that was the case for a good number of the gifts.
Yes, my sister requested the presents early to "pre-return them for something more appropriate" (her words). In some cases, the gifts were "too cheap." Other gifts, mine included, were returned for something "more suitable." In my case, she thought her "talented boy would do better" with a more complicated building set, even though I bought the one that he requested. My sister is in utter disbelief that anyone was offended, since she considers that she did us all a favor…
May I have a polite response, please, from Miss Manners to give when my sister next demands gifts?
[UExpress]
Miss Manners suggests that the letter writer take their nephew shopping one-on-one for his next birthday. "This reinforces the idea that you and your nephew have your own relationship — and other ideas about what he might like to receive," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Handle Friends Who Are Jealous Because Our Friend Is Having A Nicer Baby Shower Than Theirs?
I have a group of girlfriends I've known since college. We're all very close and have supported each other through many milestones. A few months ago, "Jane" announced she was pregnant. Obviously we were all very excited and immediately offered to plan her baby shower. Jane suggested we ask her sister "Joan" to help with the planning and offset some of the cost. We all know Joan and like her. She contacted us and said she was excited to help with the planning…
In the past, we have set the same budget for all baby showers within our group to ensure fairness. Joan, however, wants to go all out and throw an extremely extravagant party for her sister. She offered to cover the full cost of the party to make this happen.
While I am all for it, some of the girls are quite upset. They don't feel it's fair for Jane to have a much nicer baby shower than everyone else. We did pretty well with the other showers, but Joan wants to hire a professional event planner and cater a meal vs. our baked goods and low-key decorations.
Now the girls don't want to be involved in the planning and are thinking about skipping it altogether in protest. Joan thinks they're being petty and said her family is really excited for the first grandchild…
Any advice on how to proceed?
Carolyn Hax has little patience for the jealous friends in this letter. "Oh, for fox's sake. Let Joan hijack the party already and be done with it," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Normal For A Company To Expect Employees To Call Into Routine Meetings While They're On Vacation?
I recently moved from a nonprofit to a Fortune 50 company and I could use some perspective on an issue I've encountered: my team sort of… ignores vacations. There's an expectation that people will be available for calls and on email even when on vacation. This applies to both pressing, urgent problems requiring CEO engagement, as well as routine calls and issues which don't have to be addressed immediately. It's basically team culture, both with our director asking people to engage while on vacation, as well as people just calling in on non-urgent meetings, etc.
I've taken to just not inviting people to calls when they're on vacation, but the whole thing feels really problematic to me. In terms of ability to change the culture, I'm the most junior person on the team, despite 10 years of experience. Am I crazy? Are they crazy?
"That's not a vacation," replies Alison Green. "That's just working fewer hours from a remote location." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Dump My Boyfriend In Order To Appease My Slutshaming Son?
I am a 64-year-old widow who lost my husband 5 1/2 years ago. I became reacquainted with a former classmate at a high school reunion, and we started dating…
One night, I let him stay over because he was going to go to church with me the next morning. He lives 45 minutes away. My son drove by (intentionally), saw his car and confronted us at church in front of people. He walked up to my friend and said, "Well, how did you enjoy your sleepover at my mother's house last night?" This was the first time they had ever met!
Their bitterness toward each other has escalated, and now my son has given me an ultimatum: Choose between his family or my friend. He has my only grandchildren.
I am so depressed, I don't know what to do. I don't want my son dictating my life, but I want to see my grandchildren. They truly are the most important people in my life. I could break up with my friend, but then my son would think he won. Any thoughts?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren, aka Dear Abby, deems the son's behavior way out of line. "For your own sake, you must not allow him to tell you how to conduct your personal life," she urges. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Okay To Bring Trash To A Restaurant And Ask Your Server To Throw It Away For You?
I have a friend — an old-school entitled Republican reprobate — who insists on bringing his morning junk mail to lunch at a diner or restaurant and then asking our wait person to throw out the garbage when he's done looking through it.
What do wait staff make of this habit? Does it piss them off, or are they okay with it?
The Salty Waitress, the Takeout's anonymous advice columnist, calls this one of the strangest questions she's ever received and calls for some basic empathy. "I think in a situation like this, people should ask themselves: Am I treating someone like a server or a servant? Is this task I'm asking them to do related to my meal, or do I just enjoy giving orders?" she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
