Can I Tell A Foreign Coworker That Her Name Embarrasses Me, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Can I Ask A Coworker From Another Country To Stop Going By Her Given Name, Which Embarrasses Me?
One of my co-workers (a recent graduate from Thailand) has a first name that looks like two offensive English words but isn't pronounced that way. Almost everyone calls her by her nickname, which is a lot easier to pronounce.
A recent directive from corporate means that everyone now has a nameplate on their desks, and we were asked to fill in what name we would like displayed. Her desk is right next to mine, and much to my dismay she chose her real first name rather than her nickname. Since we have visitors frequently passing by where both of us sit, it creates an embarrassing situation for me when they glance at the nameplate. Is there any way I can ask her to have the nameplate changed to her nickname, since that is what she goes by even at home, without appearing to be culturally insensitive? The name has a beautiful meaning in Thai, but unfortunately that does not get portrayed when written in English.
[Inc.]
Alison Green of Ask A Manager tells this letter writer that they're way out of line. "There is no polite way to ask her to take it off her nameplate or to not use it," she writes. "Doing that would actually be quite disrespectful." Read the rest of her answer.
Do I Have To Reconcile With A Sister-In-Law Who Refuses To Help Replace A Mattress Her Toddler Pooped All Over?
We had a housewarming party last week, and my sister-in-law brought her son, a toddler who's being toilet trained. She refuses to let him wear pull-ups, as we soon learned, and when she put him to sleep in our brand new bed, he had diarrhea. It destroyed our sheets, pillows, and sank into the pillow-top mattress. We couldn't get the bed clean and had to take it to the dump. Currently we are sleeping on the twin beds in our guest room.
I asked my sister-in-law to pay for half the cost of a new mattress. She got huffy and said I couldn't possibly blame a child. I told her I didn't blame our nephew, I blamed her. Kids have accidents and parents pay for them. She could have put some towels under him before putting her son in our bed, or just taken him home. My husband and I don't have the funds to immediately replace our bed, and I think it is more than fair if my sister-in-law pays for half. My sister-in-law has blown this up into us hating on her and her poor baby boy. The rest of the family agrees that she is being ridiculous but says we need to let it go. For "family harmony." My husband is happy not to see her until she apologizes and pays. I am just perplexed by her refusal. I would never to do this to my own siblings. Do we have any other choices but family estrangement?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg gives the letter writer permission to continue down the road to estrangement. "Her behavior sounds totally bizarre and incomprehensible, and I don't see why you should have to go into debt to buy a replacement bed and then pretend like everything is fine just to 'preserve family harmony,'" he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Can My Boss Fire Me For Asking A Client To Adjust Her Low-Cut Shirt?
I am a female technician in an ophthalmologist's office. Today, I had a patient who was wearing a low-cut shirt that exposed her bra and cleavage. Her arms were crossed under her breasts, pushing them up. It was so distracting that I respectfully said, "Please do not take offense, but would you mind lifting your top because it's revealing?" She laughed and apologized. Later, on break, I was talking about this incident with several co-workers. My manager overheard and told me I could be fired for saying what I said to the patient. Can I really get fired for telling the patient to fix her shirt?
Karla Miller says that there's nothing illegal about firing someone for the way they talk to patients or clients, and that in the future this letter writer might want to approach this type of situation differently. "[I]f you can't simply ignore a patient's attire — or facial piercings, overplucked eyebrows or other features you find distracting — you might discreetly ask a less easily rattled colleague to step in," she suggests. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Appropriate For Alcoholic Family Members To Give A 21-Year-Old Alcohol As A Birthday Present?
Alcoholism has plagued my ex-husband's family for generations. My ex's maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. His aunt has been in and out of rehab. The last time she was released from rehab she totaled her car driving drunk the next day!
My ex has been abusing alcohol since he was a teenager.
Since he is now my ex-husband, this is not my problem, except for this: My oldest son, "Danny," just turned 21. My ex-husband gave him a large bottle of wine for his birthday, as well as tickets to Las Vegas so they can go drinking together. His grandmother sent "beer pong" supplies for his 21st birthday.
I am horrified. It's like they are intentionally trying to induct my son into their long line of alcoholics! I thought about calling them both and yelling at them, but I decided to write to you instead. What do you make of this?
Amy Dickinson advises the letter writer to focus on her son, rather than on her ex's family. "What you can — and must — do is talk to your son, very frankly, about the family history and tendency toward alcoholism," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Can We Skip A Cousin's Wedding In Retaliation For Their Not Sending Us A Gift After Our Elopement?
My husband and I eloped. We never hosted a celebratory party, but most of our relatives sent gifts — except for one branch of the family in California (including a cousin whose wedding we attended and to whom we gave a generous gift). Now, another cousin from the California branch is getting married, and we're invited. We're torn about attending and giving a gift. Are we being too sensitive?
"Definitely!" replies Philip Galanes. "The whole point of eloping is to escape the rituals of a traditional wedding, one of which, typically, is collecting presents from those who attend." Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Tell My Girlfriend's Mom I Don't Want Her To Bring A Store-Bought Meal To Our Thanksgiving?
This Thanksgiving, my girlfriend and I are hosting both her parents and my parents. Last year we hosted only her parents, and her mom insisted that we buy a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner from Whole Foods. It was pretty good, but goes against everything I love about the holidays (cooking!). I had volunteered to cook everything, but she wouldn't hear it because she didn't want to risk it turning out poorly and "didn't want me to have to worry about it."
Now that my parents will be in town, I'm even more inclined to cook, as that's how my mom and I have always enjoyed the holidays together, but my girlfriend's mom is offering to buy the entire pre-made Thanksgiving dinner to prevent this. She says she wants us to enjoy the holidays, but can't grasp that this is how I enjoy them. Am I crazy for wanting to cook this badly? And if not, how do I convince her to just let us cook the dang food?
In short: How do I not fuck up Thanksgiving?
Brandy Jensen, who writes the Ask A Fuck-Up column for the Outline, says that the letter writer's girlfriend should inform her mother that they've decided to cook. "Being an adult mainly sucks but it does offer one unalloyed joy: my house, my rules," she writes. "This needn't be a long conversation or debate!" Read the rest of her answer.
