Should I Tell My Friend That My Late Mom And Her Late Dad Had An Affair, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Tell My Friend That My Late Mother And Her Late Father Had An Affair With Each Other?
After my mother died, I asked one of her oldest friends if she knew if my mother ever had an affair while married to my father. (My father is also deceased.) She told me that my mother had an affair with someone I knew, but she would not disclose his name…
A few years ago, my mother's friend finally told me who it was. I was shocked! She said that this man had made my mother very happy and that she had never planned on leaving my father. I had no judgment toward my mother because this man had brought so much joy into her life. (He was also married at the time. He then got a divorce and has since died.)
His daughter was a good friend of mine. Now that all the parties have died, I would like to tell my friend. I know she knew that her father cheated on her mother; perhaps she even knew of this relationship and doesn't want to tell me for fear of hurting me. It would feel comforting to talk with her about it, but it's possible this will change my friend's feelings about me or my mother. Should I take this indiscretion to my grave?
Kwame Anthony Appiah gives the letter writer permission to disclose the affair to her friend. "People are entitled, where there aren't strong countervailing considerations, to know the truth about their families," he opines. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Tell My Very Sensitive Housekeeper That I Wish She Hadn't Nailed Holes In My Wall Without Asking?
I have had the same cleaning woman for three years. She does an excellent job and works hard. I got her the last six or seven of her clients. However, she has made little changes in the past when I'm not home…
Yesterday, when I walked into my laundry room, I noticed two pictures had been removed from the wall and rehung in my living room. Furthermore, she used three nails to hang them and left the first nail in the wall because she had made a mistake. I removed the pictures and returned them to their original spots. The three holes in the living room wall remain.
I live in an expensive penthouse. The holes are like bullet holes to me. This is not my apartment. I am a renter. In addition, I do not have the paint that matches, and I am not handy with spackle and painting.
My cleaning lady is very sensitive. When I asked her to let me know the night before if she needs to cancel, I almost lost her for good. I had to call repeatedly, and I'm walking on eggshells now.
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren advises the letter writer to confront the housekeeper calmly but firmly. "For your cleaning woman to have done what she did was wrong, and you need to explain it to her so nothing similar will happen again," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Ask My Employee To Stop Adjusting His Testicles In Front Of Me?
I have a male employee who will adjust his balls (over top of his pants) during most conversations I have with him. It's distracting, a bit uncomfortable, and I have no idea if I should have this conversation with him or if so, how I would approach this issue in a respectful way. Does he even know he is doing it? Am I being unreasonable in pointing it out as a habit that needs to change? Is this common and I only notice with him? I'm too embarrassed to even bring this up at work to ask anyone else how they could approach it. Thank you for some practical guidance and honest feedback on if this is worth the energy to discuss.
Alison Green gives the letter writer a few polite-but-pointed scripts for addressing the issue and acknowledges that no matter what, the conversation is going to be awkward. "But he's the one causing the awkwardness, not you, and you should be perfectly comfortable letting him shoulder all of that burden himself," she adds. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Playing Music Constantly And Loudly, Inside Our House And In The Yard?
My husband enjoys playing music in our home. He recently installed speakers throughout the house and in our yard, as well. Now we have music on ALL the time, at levels that prohibit conversation. I have moderate hearing loss in one ear as well, so the kids and I are constantly shouting at one another to be heard over the music. And in the yard I just want to hear birds and breezes, not blaring music.
My husband gets annoyed when I ask him to turn it down/off and the music goes down momentarily and then right back up.
Is there a way we can coexist peacefully? He tried wearing headphones but it felt like he was living apart from us.
Carolyn Hax says that if the husband doesn't agree to a compromise on how often and how loudly he plays music, then the couple's issue is bigger than music. "I'm afraid your husband's annoyance and re-cranking the volume already point to hostility as the issue here, but I still hope seeing the blueprint of an agreement laid out before him is sufficient to move him to compromise," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Father-In-Law To Stop Flagrantly Breaking The Rules Of Our Condo Building?
My husband and I live in a condo that, after a woman was robbed and raped last year, has serious rules about security: Everyone has a key code, and no holding open doors.
My father-in-law moved in with us after he fell. He has a little dog he dotes on and loves to take on multiple walks a day. He hates using the code to get in and out of the building and will prop open the side door when he takes the dog out. We already had an official warning and have been told by two neighbors that my father-in-law keeps doing this. It is a $250 fine that increases every time after, and we could get evicted!
We have talked to my father-in-law multiple times about this. We have written down the code and laminated a copy for his wallet. He gets huffy, argues, and then promises to stop doing it. But he keeps doing it! We don't know how to get through to him, and I am this close to telling my husband that his father needs to move out. I had nightmares after what happened to that woman last year, since I often work late. If that happened again because of my father-in-law, I could never live with myself. What do we do?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg says that asking the father to move out if he can't abide by the building's rules is totally reasonable, but that the letter writer and their husband might want to think about why the father-in-law is incapable of following directions in this matter. "Given that your father-in-law moved in over health concerns, it's worth asking whether his inability to remember the card or use the code is part of a lifelong stubbornness or could potentially be from dementia," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Call My Son, Whose Full Name Is Nikola Tesla, 'Nikola,' 'Niko' Or 'Tes'?
Before I even ever thought of being pregnant, I knew that I would name my first child Nikola Tesla, with the plan of having lots of nicknames to choose one that would fit them after they were born. I settled on Tes because no one would really guess the meaning, and it seemed gender-neutral. After my son was born, his dad told me it was important to him that he be called Nikola, so that's what we did. After my son turned 6 months old, his dad and I split up and he decided to call him Niko (the nickname I most loved and wanted to use). Eventually I started alternating between Nikola and Niko with a few other pet names. Now our son is almost 2, and if you ask him his name or what he wants to be called, he says Tes. If you call him Tes, he lights up.
This has been going on for a few weeks now. So do I call him Tes? Do I ask others to call him Tes? Do I send out a social media announcement? Do I talk to his dad before doing any of this?
[Slate]
"This is not a real problem," replies Nicole Cliffe. "There is no need to make a sweeping announcement that your 2-year-old has a mild preference for a particular nickname." Read the rest of her answer.
