My Friend Accused My Daughter Of Sleeping With Her Husband, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
My Friend Is Getting Divorced, And She Told My Daughter She Thought She'd Slept With Her Husband
My longtime friend "Toni" is getting divorced from her husband, "Cal," after his affair. It has been very messy. Toni has gone scorched-earth and demanded everyone choose a side. Cal is very close to my husband and my daughters. I have known Toni for over 15 years—including when she had an affair and had an abortion to keep it a secret. I held her hand during the procedure. Toni just accused my 23-year-old daughter of having sex with Cal because she wanted both Toni and Cal at her graduation. My daughter called me crying, and I don't know what to do. My immediate impulse is to call Toni and tell her off and then let everyone else know what Toni did. I know that is not the right thing to do, but I don't know what that is.
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Daniel Mallory Ortberg urges the letter writer to wait… and then follow her immediate impulse and give Toni a piece of her mind for her "certified act of friendship-ending." Read the rest of his answer.
Is It Rude To Bring Our Own Silverware To Parties Where There Might Be Plastic Utensils?
Zero waste is a big part of my family's lifestyle. How do I navigate events like a birthday party at a friend's house where she is serving cake with plastic utensils and plates? My family brings our own reusable silverware and containers wherever we go — ice cream shops, grocery stores, picnics, etc. Hopefully, small efforts like this will amount to huge impact eventually. We do these things with joy, not with judgment. What's your take? Is it rude to bring our own silverware/plates/etc., to friends' houses? Many thanks.
"Yes, it's rude," Miss Conduct's Robin Abrahams says. She elaborates on exactly why the move is "contrary to the dance of hospitality" and you can read the rest of her answer here.
Do My Coworkers Talk To Me Like A Child Because I'm Autistic?
I am a 28-year-old professional woman and I've been at my job for two years. I am also on the autism spectrum. Everyone in my office, from coworkers to managers, knows this about me. I usually disclose it freely in case I seem a little "off" to people. My autism usually displays itself with sensory issues, struggles picking up on social cues, and an inability to pick up on "coy" hints. I also struggle with verbal communication, so I communicate by email most of the time at my job, which is fine because it's what most people do anyway. None of this affects my work, though. I manage myself well, do good work (my manager gives me great feedback!), and take breaks when I need to so I don't overload myself. I have also asked people to be explicit with me about what they're trying to say instead of hinting, which people gladly do.
The reason I am writing is I frequently get the impression that people think I have the mind of a child because of my autism. This is because of the way people talk to me. For example, if I help someone finish a project, instead of saying something like "Hey, thanks for your help on that," they'll say, "Look at what good job you've done!" Or they will compliment small, menial things about me that seems to be an attempt to boost my confidence. If I wear makeup, someone will say "I like your pretty makeup!" One day, I was wearing a blouse with some flowers on it and someone said I looked like "a beautiful spring day!"
There are also other things — like one day while running out to grab lunch, I got caught in a sudden downpour and got pretty drenched. Luckily I keep a spare set of shoes at my desk, so on my way to change someone saw me and said, "Awww, I'm sorry, sweet girl!" It's just rain. I wasn't dying or upset or in need of pity.
"That does sound really condescending," says Alison Green, who advises the letter to start speaking up, either to her manager or by trying to subtly indicate that a comment was weird right after a colleague made it. Read the rest of the letter and the rest of Green's answer here.
Help? My Mother-In-Law Is Charging Me Rent?
My mother-in-law owns the building my husband and I live in. I moved in with him about a year ago, before we were married. Because she owns the building, she doesn't charge her son rent to live there but asks that he help manage the building, which takes about three hours a month. (He has a full-time job outside of managing the building.)
When I moved in, his mom asked that I pay rent. I guess in the back of my mind I thought it would change after we got married. Do you think I'm a brat for thinking I shouldn't have to pay rent? The amount she's charging me is about what I would pay if we lived in another building and split the rent between us.
I don't know how to approach this, or if I'd be stepping out of line to request living somewhere rent-free. Please help.
"You are being treated like a tenant, not family" says Abigail van Buren, who advises the letter-writer to take it up with her husband. Read the rest of her answer here.
What Do I Buy My Girlfriend For Her Wedding?
I'm part of a nonhierarchical polycule. In a few months, one of my girlfriends will be marrying her fiancée. I'll be attending as a guest with my other girlfriend. What are the guidelines or expectations for purchasing a gift for your girlfriend's wedding? Surprisingly, the other advice columnists don't have guidance on this one.
Dan Savage advises the writer to stop overthinking things and get something simple — heck, something from the registry! Read the rest of his answer here.
