Is It Culturally Insensitive For Me To Go Running Shirtless, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Is It Insensitive For Me To Go Running Without A Shirt When It's Hot Outside?
I am a lifelong runner, and after graduating from college this spring, I am in my first few months in a new city… On my intercollegiate team, running with no shirt or, for women, a sports bra and short shorts was the norm in hot weather, and it was not uncommon to see groups of similarly attired young men and women spread out throughout the community. Since I arrived in my new community, however, I have gotten the sense that this is not a look that people regularly encounter, and I worry that I am making them uncomfortable. This morning, I passed a woman and a girl who I presumed was her school-aged daughter, and as I did, I heard the woman berate the girl, saying: "That grown man was wearing no shirt and no pants. You are not going to look at him!" I generally run in the parks near my house and avoid residential areas when possible, but it is unlikely that I will be able to completely avoid areas frequented by other people. I am not breaking any local indecent-exposure laws, but community norms also have value. It might also be worth noting that I am a white man in a predominantly Hispanic and black neighborhood, so I wonder if there are cultural norms and questions of power and privilege at play here that I am not familiar with and to which I ought to be more sensitive. Should I feel an ethical obligation to change my running clothing to something more modest in order to avoid offending the sensibilities of the people I encounter, or is it acceptable to continue to wear what is most comfortable to me based on the weather?
The Ethicist, Kwame Anthony Appiah, points out that this is not really an ethical question but comes down in favor of adjusting one's clothing for one's social environment. "Once you know your neighborhood is full of people who will be offended by your approach to exercise apparel, you certainly have a reason to dress more modestly, if it's not especially inconvenient," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Tell My Ex-Wife's Twin Sister, Whom I'm Dating, That My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me?
About three years ago I found out that my wife of five years was having affairs with multiple men.
I was crushed, and we got divorced.
About a year ago I ran into her twin sister during a work event, and we began dating.
We love each other very much, but now my ex-wife has threatened to sever all ties with her sister and turn the family against her if our relationship continues.
I never told my ex-wife's family about her cheating because I didn't want to embarrass her. Should I tell the truth, or just move on?
Amy Dickinson advises the letter writer not to tattle on his ex-wife to her family. "You and your new love should do what you want, while understanding that you might not be able to control the story — or the consequences," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Employee I've Noticed She's Bad With Money?
I have an employee, "Jane," who is in her early 20s and working a professional job for the first time after grad school. Her job is entry-level with a strong emphasis on training, so the salary is fairly low (but definitely a living wage).
I'm concerned with the way she is managing her personal finances. In the six months she has been working here, she has mentioned several large purchases (for example, plane flights to visit friends), but has also made several comments to me about how she is barely scraping by. For example, she recently mentioned buying expensive concert tickets, and later that same day said she barely had gas money to get through the week. I don't think it's just hyperbole; she recently asked me to cover her $15 work lunch (that would have been reimbursed by our company) because she didn't have enough money in her account.
I'm torn about whether or not to address this. On the one hand, I feel like her personal finances are her business. On the other hand, however, I feel a mentorship responsibility to her, and when she tells me about a new purchase I have to fight a powerful urge to tell her to just put some money aside for a rainy day. Also, the fact that she couldn't cover a basic work expense concerns me; there will be plenty of other times that we'll expect her to take on an expense and be reimbursed later.
What do you think? Should I bring it up to Jane? If so, how can I do it without seeming condescending or overstepping my bounds?
Alison Green advises this letter writer to cool his or her jets. "It's great that you feel a mentorship responsibility to her, but that mentorship should be about her career — not about her personal life or her finances," she rules. Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Rude To Tell My Neighbor I Couldn't Accept A Small Deity Figurine For Religious Reasons?
My faith is central to who I am and my life. Those who know me know this about me, as does my new neighbor, who is aware that I am careful about what I bring into my home.
When she went on a trip, she was kind enough to bring a souvenir back for me… The gift was a small item that came wrapped with a magnet statuette of a local deity attached to the packaging. I thanked her immediately and told her I would enjoy using the item, deliberately omitting the fact that I would not be able to keep the magnet portion of the gift.
To my chagrin, she responded by saying that she hoped that it wasn't a problem with the magnet statuette, and that everything in this place she had visited seemed to reference deities of one sort or another.
I responded that I loved the item, but that I would not be able to keep the statuette, at which point she offered to keep it in her apartment.
How could I have handled this better? Is there a way to graciously refuse a gift? For me, it is not an option to possess items linked with other faith traditions. Nor is there an option to lie.
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, who jointly write the Miss Manners column, suggest that the letter writer shouldn't have explicitly rejected the statuette. "A simple, repeated assurance of your gratitude might have stopped further, awkward attempts to smooth over a dawning fear that instead of doing something kind she might have inadvertently offended you," they write. Read the rest of their answer.
Was It Uncool Of Me To Say No To TSA-Themed Role-Play With My Middle Eastern Date?
I'm a youngish gay dude living in a new city trying out the dating game.
I was getting hot and heavy with this cute dude and he asked me to role-play. I'm a white dude and he's a Middle Eastern dude and he wanted me to play the role of TSA agent and I guess he would just be himself?
I said no and we had a fine evening, but it just has me thinking and I thought I'd ask. I know kinks can be all about power dynamics, but I don't want to be a part of a kink where my privilege as a white dude is part of a narrative that includes institutional racism. That last sentence is exhausting, I know. But I really do want some insight.
Am I being just supremely uncool? I don't want to shame anyone's kinks and I also want to be respectful, in that there's a lot I don't know because of my own privilege. Am I overthinking this?
[Into]
JP Brammer, who writes Into's Hola Papi advice column, thoughtfully examines the situation and argues that no one did anything wrong or "uncool." "Sex without some degree of power play is a rare thing," he explains. "But it's important to remember that a person engaging in a submissive role is not powerless." Read the rest of his answer.
Is It Acceptable To Pee In The Sink When My Wife Isn't Home?
I live in a Midwestern community that has expensive water and sewer costs. I also exercise every day, and as a result, I drink a lot of water — and I mean a lot of water. So when my wife is not home, I urinate in the bathroom sink. Then I wash my hands, which rinses the sink basin at the same time. This uses a fraction of the water that flushing the toilet would use. Multiply that by dozens of times a day and the savings are significant. Urine is sterile; the sink gets washed out afterward; and my hands are clean. What are your thoughts on my actions?
[Creators]
Annie Lane does not approve. "[I]f you're really bent on saving water, there are plenty of ways to do so — such as installing a low-flush toilet — that don't require lying to your wife," she points out. Read the rest of her answer.
