How Do I Reconcile With My Husband After He Slept With My Mom, And Other Great Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Fix My Marriage After I Found Out My Husband Has Been Sleeping With My Mom?
I am a 34 year old straight woman in an open marriage with a 39 year straight man… During the past 8 months I have basically been living with another man in a neighbouring town to the one I live in…
This past Sunday my lover and I went to a country pub and I glanced in the dining room and saw my husband with a beautiful older woman, but not just any woman. It was my mother and, from the way they looked at each other and were touching, I could tell instantly that it was more than a friendly lunch; they were quite obviously in love with each other. My mother is 54 years old and is breathtakingly beautiful and, unlike me, hasn't let her body go. My husband, who is also handsome and fit, looked like he was happier than I had ever seen him. I went to the toilet and threw up and then I dragged my lover out of the pub and went straight to the off-licence where I bought a litre bottle of vodka and drank it at his house until I passed out…
I haven't confronted either of them yet. I would love to put an end to their happy little relationship. It is sick that my mother stole her daughter's husband and I despise her for that. I can forgive my husband but I could never forgive her and I can't tolerate the fact that they are together.
What should I do?
There are more details in the full version of this letter, which you will surely want to read. Captain Awkward, aka Jennifer Peepas, offers a very kind, affirming response that includes some real talk: "Your marriage is dead. Your relationship with your mom is also pretty dead." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Help My Patient's Parent Continue To Drug Her Surreptitiously?
I am a pediatrician with an adolescent female patient who has had some mental health issues over the last couple of years. She reported being molested and subsequently suffered a depression and engaged in self-injurious behavior requiring commitment to a psychiatric hospital… Recently, her mother called me to ask if I would write her prescriptions for Prozac. The mother reports that she is doing well and that she has not been cutting herself. She then told me that she has been slipping her daughter's medication into her orange juice every morning. I thought she meant that her daughter didn't like to swallow the pill, but she confessed that her daughter is unaware she is taking the medication. She had refused to take it some time ago because she did not feel that she needed it anymore…
If I refuse to write the prescription, the medication has a long enough half-life that the daughter could self-wean without a taper, but if she got into trouble as she came off, she would need to know why she was feeling worse. I don't think I can keep from discussing this with her. It seems wrong to medicate her without her knowledge; she is not yet 18 but she does not have diminished capacity… No matter how I look at it, I cannot come up with a scenario that ends well.
The Ethicist, Kwame Anthony Appiah, replies, "The standard for overruling someone's judgment is, rightly, high" and deems that the right thing for the doctor to do is to tell the patient that her mom has been giving her Prozac without her consent. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Break Things Off With The Couple I'm Dating Now That They're Expecting A Baby?
I am a graduate student who is currently involved with a married couple. I am bisexual and far removed from my home court. Before I met "Sue" and "Dave," my last long-term relationships didn't end well. Dave and Sue were fun, stable, and made me feel safe. When my roommate bailed on me and my rent shot up, they invited me to room with them. For a better part of a year, it was a dream come true.
Except now Sue is pregnant, and I am getting weird vibes from them both. Sue is either randomly closing me out (she doesn't want me at her church baby shower) or trying to pull me in (making comments about "our baby"). I have learned not to be alone in a room with Dave because as soon as Sue comes in, all the air goes out. Dave is infuriatingly noncommittal about what exactly my status with them is going to be. If I ask, "What's going to change between us when the baby comes?" He says, "Nothing. We still want you here." …
How do I get myself out of this? I do love both Dave and Sue but not enough to derail my life or my goals. I want to stay friends, and I want life to be good to them, but I feel if I breathe wrong I will break everything.
Dear Prudence, aka Mallory Ortberg, does not mince words with this letter writer. "Get out now," she urges. "This couple is producing red flags at such an accelerated clip that they could double as a red-flag factory." Read the rest of her answer.
[Slate]
How Can I Keep Myself From Biting My Annoying Coworker Again?
I work in an incredibly dysfunctional office. The tone is set by our office manager. He's in his fifties, has always worked in an office setting, and is difficult. Things are right if it's in his favor and wrong if anyone else does it. He once cursed at me and called me a child for asking him not to say I'm prettier if I smile. He then didn't speak to me for a year — which was a relief.
Well, yesterday, I had a meeting with a coworker. (If it makes a difference, the office manager and I are on the same level, as is the person I was meeting with.) My hands were full of paperwork and a full mug. When I got to the coworker's office, the office manager was in the doorway, braced with one arm stretched across the opening. I stopped, said, "Excuse me, I have a meeting." Aaaaaand he refused to move. He replied that he didn't give a s*** and it wasn't his problem. The coworker grimaced but said nothing, as is usual for our office.
Normally, I'd sit and argue… This time — this time I bit him. I don't know! His arm was in front of my face, my hands were full, I know from experience he almost never moves, and I'm reaaaaally busy right now…
What is the right way to deal with difficult coworkers in these situations? Just keep arguing? Walk away and reschedule the meeting? There are no magic words to deal with impossible people, but how do I reason with myself mentally to stop myself from going down this road again?
The original letter is actually quite a bit longer than what's published above, and contains a great play-by-play of what happened post-bite. In any event, Ask A Manager columnist Alison Green advises the letter writer to acknowledge that her office is warping her sense of norms and to start looking for a new job immediately. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Try To Convince My Sister-In-Law That It's OK If Her Son Watches The Super Bowl?
My sister-in-law has a daughter and a son and has always wanted to avoid bringing them up in traditional gender roles. Relatives were told not to give her daughter anything pink. The girl got signed up for martial arts at a young age while the boy got signed up for ballet. That kind of thing.
I have no problem with that, but in the last couple of years, my nephew has become the stereotypical boy who loves trucks and football and hates princess movies, and my sister-in-law is increasingly snapping at him every time he expresses a preference for "boy things." This culminated on Sunday in my nephew saying he was excited about the Super Bowl, and his mom yelling at him.
Really, he's getting screamed at by his mom because he wanted to do something that 100 million other Americans were going to do…
So, what can I do about this? I did tell her after the yelling on Sunday that I thought she had overreacted and she admitted she probably had. But, I worry about my nephew. My niece seems to be allowed to enjoy whatever she enjoys without my sister-in-law viewing it as a Statement About Gender Roles, but for some reason the same doesn't apply to my nephew.
Carolyn Hax points out that parents are allowed to make dumb parenting decisions (within limits) but suggests that the letter writer gently start a conversation about her sister-in-law's apparent double standards. Read the rest of her answer.
Do I Talk Too Much?
My husband and I went on a trip with his brother and his wife recently. Three days into the trip, while we were having dinner at a restaurant, my sister-in-law yelled at me, "Shut up! You talk too much!" I was stunned. Then my husband said, "I agree with her." Words cannot express how surprised and hurt I felt.
I do sometimes talk a lot when I'm excited, but no one has ever said this to me, certainly not my husband. The next day I felt very angry, especially at my husband for siding with her against me in public. I asked him to please tell me when we are alone if he has a problem with something I said or did, rather than embarrass me. I feel betrayed and angry. What should I do?
Abigail Van Buren, aka Dear Abby, responds, "Your feelings are justified" and agrees that this criticism should have been offered gently, in private. Read the rest of her answer.
[UExpress]
