How Can I Get My Colleague To Stop Calling Me 'Mom,' And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Son-In-Law To Put On Pants While I'm Around?
After my future son-in-law moved in with our daughter, my husband and I stopped by unannounced to visit. He answered the door in his underwear and never bothered to go put on a pair of shorts. We didn't say anything and, of course, didn't stay long.
It was close to Christmas, so we bought him a robe and my husband jokingly told him, "We figured you didn't have one since you stay in your underwear when we're here." Even after that, he still does it.
I finally told my daughter, "Since he can't take a hint, please tell him to put on clothes when I'm coming over." Since then, when we've stopped by (dropping off the grandbabies) he still doesn't put shorts on.
It happened again today. I asked him to please throw on some shorts, and his response was, "You're killing me in my own house," but he did do it. They rely on us to help with our granddaughters, but I'm fed up with having to see him in his underwear. I also don't think he should go around that way around his 6-year-old stepdaughter and his 2-month-old daughter. What are your thoughts on this?
[UExpress]
"Because you are doing your daughter and her husband the favor of looking after the grandkids, and you have let them know you prefer not seeing your son-in-law in his undies, your wishes should be respected," rules Abigail Van Buren, aka Dear Abby. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Colleague To Stop Calling Me 'Mom'?
My coworker is a very young 20-something man… A few weeks ago, a group of us were chatting and I was talking about how sad I am that my older children recently moved out. He piped in and said that he would love to have me as a mom and he would never move out on me. I thought he was joking and just laughed it off. It is now becoming apparent that he meant it.
He called me "mom" the other day in front of a client. I waited until we were alone and told him not to address me as mom anymore because it completely demeans me in front of clients. He apologized. He did it again today, in front of another client, and that client then congratulated me on having my son work with me and for raising such a good worker. I again talked to him afterwards and he promised to only call me mom in private. I asked him to call me by my name at all times and he said that I take such good care of him that he has a hard time calling me by my first name.
I don't do anything above and beyond what I would do for any coworker that needs my help. I don't bake cookies for my team, I don't tie his shoes and wipe his nose. I am the oldest on the team and I feel like he just defaults to me… I don't want to hurt his feelings or make it awkward, but truth be told I would love to choke him every time he does this. Can you help?
Alison Green advises the letter writer to take a very stern tone and threaten to go to HR the next time this clueless coworker calls her "mom." "The fact that he's continued after you clearly told him to stop — twice, no less — is ridiculous and gross, and if his feelings are a little hurt or he feels embarrassed by you escalating your tone, that's on him, not on you," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Weird For A 17-Year-Old Boy To Buy Lingerie For His 17-Year-Old Girlfriend?
My 17-year-old grandson bought his 17-year-old girlfriend of barely two months lingerie from Victoria's Secret. I think this is very inappropriate. He thinks I'm a dinosaur. Guidance, please?
Carolyn Hax encourages the letter-writer to have a nonjudgmental conversation about the gift with the grandson — but only if they have a close, communicative relationship already. "If you just think it's too sexy for 17, then, probably best to see this as a stolen-horse/barn-locking-type situation," she concludes. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Keep The $10,000 My Cheating Ex Accidentally Left In Our Couch?
I just got out of a financial and romantic wreck. My boyfriend moved his mistress into my guest bedroom, telling me she was a co-worker who "needed a place to stay." During this time, he sideswiped a fence while driving my car (his had stopped running), causing $2,000 in damage. When I found out the truth, I kicked them both out; she stole some clothing and electronics from me before leaving town. My ex refused to pay for the damage to my car and called me last week, accusing me of taking more than $10,000 in cash that his parents had given him to buy a new car. I told him he was out of his mind and hung up.
He also left a lousy old couch at my place and refused to come pick it up. I asked him if he was ever going to haul it away, and he told me to throw it out. While I was pushing it out to the curb, I found an envelope full of cash under one of the cushions. I haven't told anyone what I found. I heard from mutual friends that my ex now thinks his other girlfriend stole the money. Part of me wants to wait a few months, then use the cash to fix my car and celebrate… The only thing giving me pause is that it is technically his parents' money and they were always kind to me. I used to consider myself a kind and generous person, but all of this has made me very cynical.
[Slate]
Dear Prudence encourages the letter writer to take the high road. "I think the best option is for you to contact his parents directly, tell them that you found the money when you were getting rid of some of his things, and return it to them directly," she writes. (Frankly, we think she should keep the money.) Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Daughter That Her Father's Longtime Girlfriend Is Not Her Stepmother?
My daughter is getting married on New Year's Eve, and wants to list her father's long-term girlfriend on the program as her stepmother.
I am against this, as they are not married. The wedding is being held in a church, and right off the bat, my daughter is lying in their first sacrament to God.
What is the proper-etiquette way to name a long-term girlfriend on the wedding program? Help. My daughter is upset and won't talk to me.
[UExpress]
"Your daughter may be upset at having been accused of sacrilege," Miss Manners notes drily, before suggesting that the happy couple scrap the programs altogether. Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Deal With Women On Online Dating Sites Who Call Me A 'Dirty Old Man'?
I am in my mid-60s and have been happily married for decades. I have always been a very sexual person and consider myself healthy and normal, though at one end of the bell curve. A few years ago, my wife's health worsened, and she declared herself no longer interested in sex of any kind. I continue to cherish her, but find the lack of sexual intimacy exceedingly difficult. I asked her permission to seek a friendly but not competitive sexual relationship elsewhere…
In my description on a dating site, I explained the situation in some detail, as I did not wish to mislead anyone. My profile received a great deal of rejection, vituperation, condemnation and accusation. This calumny seemed to have two roots: I was a "dirty old man"; and I was — even with permission — "cheating" and should be punished. Both of these responses struck me as themselves immoral and unfair.
My situation is not unique. However, there seems no pathway to address the ageism and biblical rigidity of a society that spends billions on youthfulness and eroticism and nothing on thought. What should I do?
Kwame Anthony Appiah, the New York Times Magazine's Ethicist columnist, strikes a somewhat skeptical tone but ultimately offers practical advice. "[Y]ou could work through the nasty comments on the dating site and see if your luck changes," he suggests. "Or you could find a site that caters to those in open relationships." Read the rest of his answer.
