Does My 7-Year-Old Son Have A Bandage Fetish, And Other Great Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Does My 7-Year-Old Son Already Have A Sexual Fetish For Bandages?
My seven-year-old son started getting really into gauze, splints, and bandages when he was three, and by the time he was four it became very clearly sexualized. He gets a boner when he plays "broken bone" or just looks at bandages, and has expressed how much he loves to touch his penis when he does this. My husband and I (both happily vanilla) have been accepting and casual about this. We've provided him with a stash of "supplies," taught him the concept of privacy and alone time, and frequently remind him to never wrap bandages around his head or neck.
Dan, he spends so much time alone in his room doing his thing that sometimes I'm wondering… is it normal to be so kinky at such a young age? I know kinks generally develop from childhood associations. When he was 2, he had a surgery to correct a common issue on his groin. Might that have sparked this? I want my son to grow up with a healthy and positive sexuality. Are we doing him a favor or a disservice by supplying him with materials, freedom and privacy to engage in a kink so young? Is there any danger in this?
Dan Savage, America's foremost sex advice columnist, says that it's too early to know whether this interest will follow the boy into adulthood and advises the letter writer to avoid labeling him as "kinky" at such a young age. He praises the letter writer for "helping your son learn how to handle this (and himself) responsibly without shaming him." Read the rest of his answer.
Do I Really Have To Apologize To My Friend For Making Her Drop A Bunch Of Plates?
Recently, while visiting my friend "Nancy," I was chatting with her while she put away dishes from the dishwasher. At one point I noticed that she'd left a cupboard door open, so I helpfully closed it. She then turned around with her arms full of plates, for some reason expected the cabinet door to be open, and clumsily dropped some of the dishes. I honestly thought she was done in that cupboard and helped her clean up the mess. I also suggested that next time she put things away one or two pieces at a time so that she could keep the doors neatly shut in between. Nancy never complained to me but must have told our friend "Paul" because he told me that I owed Nancy an apology and should offer to pay for her broken dishware. I admit that open cabinets and drawers are a pet peeve of mine, but I find it ridiculous that I should apologize or pay for attempting to be helpful. Do I owe Nancy anything here?
For some inexplicable reason, Mallory Ortberg (the current incarnation of Dear Prudence) goes fairly easy on this obviously wrong letter writer. "Why don't you speak directly to Nancy about this, if you're unsure of what she wants?" Ortberg suggests. Read the rest of her answer.
[Slate]
Should My Friend Give His Employees Bonuses Out Of His Own Pocket?
A friend of mine, Jackson, shared this conundrum with me… Jackson works for a mid-sized government organization and was recently promoted to a program manager position. He will coordinate the work of several professionals, and also manage a couple of administrative staff members, Abigail and Cynthia. When he was announced as the new manager (he hasn't yet formally moved into the role), Abigail and Cynthia separately came to him and let him know that his predecessor had been supplementing their salaries out of her own pocket, to the tune of thousands of dollars a year! Jackson wasn't previously aware of this arrangement, and his predecessor has left the organization.
Neither woman outright asked him if he would be continuing this tradition, but they hinted strongly, talking about how low their pay is, how much they appreciated what he did for them, how it made the holidays easier every year (I guess she typically paid them as a year-end bonus). Jackson is not in a position to continue with the bonuses, but he feels bad that they are essentially getting a 10-15% pay cut. It's also incredibly awkward to think about how to tell them that their will be no year-end windfall, and then have to continue working with them. He does not believe that the program director is aware of the arrangement, and is also concerned about getting Abigail and Cynthia in trouble if he alerts the director or any of the other powers-that-be, even if it's to advocate for raises for them. (Which is what I suggested he try to do.)
Alison Green of Ask A Manager — who is very frequently featured in "Good Question" because she gets the best letters — strongly advises Jackson to tell the director. "It's not about getting Abigail and Cynthia in trouble," she writes, "it's about alerting his employer to highly relevant information about something that's been happening on the staff he now manages." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Fire My Children's Nanny Now That I Know She Has A Gambling Problem?
I recently discovered that one of my live-in nannies has a serious gambling problem. Now I know why she always comes home way past curfew and is always short of money. I have never witnessed her stealing anything from us, and our children are very attached to her, but she is four years away from retirement, and I fear the day will come when she realizes she has no savings and will do something drastic.
My friends are telling me to fire her, that it's not worth the risk. But I feel I would be penalizing her for something she hasn't done, and I know it will be nearly impossible for her to get another job at her age. On the flip side, we have had some discipline issues with her, and she is responsible for her own retirement. I don't owe her a living. Should I keep her on or should I let her go?
Kwame Anthony Appiah, the New York Times Magazine's current Ethicist columnist, advises the letter writer to talk to the nanny before she decides, and to treat her with respect if he or she decides to fire the nanny. "Talk to her about her current problem and make it clear that you can keep her around only if she addresses it," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Dad To Stop Wearing Fluorescent Streaks In His Hair?
My 62-year-old father has recently started to streak his hair with fluorescent colors. He does it when he goes to his job and coordinates his hair color with his outfits. As far as I know, his employer has not said anything as of yet.
Also, Dad has difficulty with social cues. My mother and I aren't happy with his "fashion" choices and we plead with him to stop doing this. It's embarrassing because it looks stupid and ridiculous. He claims he doesn't care what others think and that he has flair.
Are my mother and I wrong to criticize his "flair"? Isn't this behavior really inappropriate for a man his age? How can we convince him that he's making a fool of himself and should stop?
Dear Abby, aka Abigail Van Buren, knocks this one out of the park: "Understand that how your father presents himself reflects only on him — not you." Read the rest of her answer.
[UExpress]
How Can I Stop My Friend From Adopting A Daughter And Then Immediately Abandoning Her?
One of my closest friends is in a very unhappy marriage with a man she says is emotionally and verbally abusive. He has refused to seek help for his anger issues.
He has always wanted children, although my friend is lukewarm on the idea.
They now have the opportunity to adopt a 4-year-old girl, whose mother is battling mental illness and poverty.
I was already concerned that they were trying to adopt, with an unstable marriage and with her husband's anger issues.
Now she has told me that they have discussed my friend leaving the marriage to start a new life right after the adoption is final, leaving him with the child he has always wanted.
They don't plan to let the biological mother know this. I am mortified.
I asked if she feels comfortable leaving a 4-year-old girl who has been through a lot already in her short life, with an abusive rageaholic. My friend says yes — she feels her husband is only horrible to her and has been doting on the little girl in visits…
She feels it's a "gift" she can give him before she leaves. I told her that I feel quite sure someone's rage and abusive actions are not confined to one person in their life…
What can I say to convince my friend that this is a horrible and cruel idea?
Amy Dickinson agrees that this is a horrible and cruel idea and writes, "The first thing you should do is to assume that this friendship is over, because the second thing you should do is call Child Protective Services where they live." Read the rest of her answer.
