Is It Normal For A Boss To Do Her Employee's Laundry, And Other Great Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Tell My Boss It's Inappropriate For Her To Be Doing My Coworker's Laundry For Him?
I recently learned that my boss has been doing one of our coworker's laundry. I was a bit taken aback by this because my coworker had moved to new housing closer to our workplace about six months ago. I had heard them make comments before about my boss doing his laundry, but I thought she was just joking around. I am also a manager and could understand offering to help one of my staff for a short time after a move, especially if they live close to me, but my boss and coworker live an hour apart. This would mean she is picking up his laundry, taking it home to do it for him and bringing it back to him (and as I said, this had been going on for at least six months). The only reason I can think of for this is that he does not have a washer or dryer at his house, so my boss views it as "teamwork" and just helping him out.
I personally felt like this is crossing a professional boundary line, especially when I consider how this could be viewed by other staff if they knew this was going on. Am I wrong to think this way? What would be the best way to approach my boss with these feelings?
Alison Green suggests saying to the boss, "Hey, this looks really inappropriate and I'm concerned that people are going to draw pretty alarming conclusions if they hear about it" — but only if the letter writer has a good, close relationship with the boss already. Read the rest of her answer.
Do I Need To Give My Ex An Expensive Television After He Looted My Friend's Dead Husband's Belongings?
"Trevor," the husband of my friend "Emily," recently passed in a very dramatic manner. He was a hoarder of expensive electronics. He hadn't updated his will or life insurance policy to reflect his wife as beneficiary. Emily is entitled to the possessions within their house, with the rest going to Trevor's estate. Trevor left the house in disarray, so we had to sort through the mess for valuables. Being short on time (and hands), I called an ex-boyfriend with whom I've remained friendly to help. Emily told the ex he could take one of the large (valuable) television sets if he helped. On both days my ex showed up late, wasn't much help, and asked for nearly everything he saw, which was mortifying. The first day he left with four valuable Bluetooth headsets, a Bose Bluetooth speaker, and Xbox controllers. The second day he left with $250 cash and camping supplies.
Throughout the whole ordeal, he pestered us about which television he was getting. Fed up, Emily told him he wasn't getting one because he had already been compensated fairly. Having loaded the final truck alone, I agreed with Emily. When my ex and I were alone in the cab of the truck, he yelled at me until I broke down in tears. I still have not heard the end of it.
I understand he's an ex for a reason, and shame on me for bringing him around (I was completely caught off guard by his greed). But he still thinks we owe him the amount of money he could make from selling a television. How should you compensate "friends" for helping move?
Dear Prudence, aka Mallory Ortberg, prudently advises the letter writer to block her ex's calls. "This is not a question of appropriate compensation for helping a friend move because a) he did not, in fact, help very much at all and b) he's already taken at least four times the value of what you agreed upon," she points out. Read the rest of her answer.
[Slate]
How Can I Find Out If My Daughter's Best Friend Is Interested In Dating Me?
My daughter, who is 26, brought her best friend home for a visit last weekend. Unless I am mistaken, there were some sparks between the friend and me. What is the protocol for checking her interest? I don't want to ask my daughter for permission until I know the friend is interested. May I contact her directly? (My wife and I are divorced.)
Thankfully, Philip Galanes points out that this is a terrible idea. "You are just going to make things weird," he predicts. "And in no event may you contact the friend before securing your daughter's permission." Read the rest of his answer.
Can I Cut My Sister-In-Law Out Of My Life For Sending Screenshots Of My Texts To My Mom?
I recently found out my sister-in-law shares everything I say about my mother with her — including screenshots of texts and exact quotes from phone conversations. My mother is a difficult person, and my sister-in-law and I have spent years commiserating over her overbearing and trying ways.
I'm completely shocked by this. I thought she was my sister! We were so close!
I asked for an apology, but she says she did nothing wrong, and that my mother deserves to know anything that is said about her. I asked my mother for an apology for spying on her adult daughter, and she said I should apologize for the things I've said.
This has made me feel like an outsider in my own family, and I don't really want anything to do with any of them. Can I hold out for an apology? Or is this basically where I have to decide between an apology and ever seeing my family again?
Carolyn Hax calls the sister-in-law's actions "a jaw-dropping abuse of trust" and recommends "accepting the reality of the people you're dealing with." Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Just Read When My Friends Refuse To Talk To Me?
I have three friends who, at times, refuse to talk at all in social situations. I am going to visit one of them as her houseguest.
I suspect that the reason she does not chat or respond to remarks is solely due to her being hard of hearing, but she attributes it to the custom in her family. She does not even respond to practical questions or remarks. I have sat through dinners in total silence.
I suspect that she relies almost totally on lip-reading, hence she chats only when we sit down in a quiet place and she can face me. She will not discuss her hearing without extreme shame and upset. Is it OK if I read, go online, sleep or watch TV (depending on the situation) as I would if I were alone?
The second friend loves to go out for cocktails, but will sometimes sit in silence, barely responding to my questions and not bringing up any topics… The third friend, also on vacation, refused to talk at all at meal times, saying she had to concentrate on her chewing…
I am not able to force people to talk, so is it reasonable and polite for me to occupy myself as though I were alone?
Miss Manners, the persona created by Judith Martin, writes that she "has to wonder how people who argue that they prioritize chewing over conversation have remained friends for this long." She suggests politely asking for permission to read or watch TV when the letter writer is visiting one of these friends. Read the rest of her answer.
[UExpress]
How Can My Friend Keep Her Future Mother-In-Law From Tagging Along On Her Honeymoon?
A friend is getting married and honeymooning at a resort.
Her future mother-in-law announced that she just booked a family
vacation at the same place and time! My friend doesn't know what to do
without hurting someone's feelings, creating animosity, or causing a
problem with her future husband, who does not have an issue with his
mother's choices. She doesn't want to start the marriage off on the
wrong foot, but she wants to have a quiet and private honeymoon.
Robin Abrahams declares that it's too late to rescue this vacation from the fiancé's presumptuous mother and suggests that the bride "invit[e] some of her own family along, seeing as how it's turned into a group thing." Read the rest of her answer.
