Seal Clubbing Still Exists, And Other Facts
Welcome to "What We Learned This Week," a regular feature where we share all the most interesting nuggets of information we picked up in the past week.
GOING TO THE CLUB, AND DANCING TO SEAL STILL COOL THOUGH
Hunters Are Still Clubbing Seals
Like stealing candy from infants or murdering puppies, seal clubbing is one of those practices that people normally use for hyperbole. "Okay, sure, I farted on a crowded bus the other day. But it's not like I was clubbing seals," someone might say.1 As it turns out, seal clubbing is still around, and probably more prevalent than baby-candy-theft and puppycide! Thankfully, the $1.5 million industry is steadily shrinking — so maybe we can think up a new animal-welfare-based atrocity to justify our crummy actions.
THE HOLDEN CAULFIELD OF THE NAVY SEALS
Don't Even Pretend To Be A Navy SEAL, Because This Man Will Hunt You Down
Don Shipley,2 hates phonies. He runs a SEAL-inspired bootcamp that teaches phonies the real meaning of pain, and makes it his business to track down the phonies who pretend to be SEALs. So, unless you're under the age of 12, or have not completed Basic Underwater Demolition, just stick to lying about a more innocuous accomplishment, like your thesis on Ulysses or something.
THEY'RE OUT OF THIS WORLD
The Best Knives In The World Are Made From Space Rocks
The best knives in the world are made in Bob Kramer's shop in Olympia Washington. But the materials he requires come from outer space. He gathers meteorites, melts them down, and turns them into excellent blades.
DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP
Seeing Your Doppelganger Will Make You Go Crazy
Two decades ago, a young man stopped taking his anti-convulsant medication, then saw himself in his own bed. When he couldn't wake himself up, he jumped out of a window. And although actually finding and seeing another person who looks exactly like you is rare, the act of hallucinating such a thing is less so. Often, these types of phenomena are classified as out of body-experiences, and they highlight just how crucial our brain's capacity to construct a sense of self is to our sanity. Otherwise, we all might be trying to crawl out of our own skin.
THIS IS NOT A SPORT FOR DENTISTS
Swiss Golf Is Hard-Mode Golf
You think playing 18 holes on a Sunday afternoon is rough? Try hornussen. Here's a six-foot metal whip, try and hit that mini-hockey puck resting at the edge of that curved ramp. And if you ever manage to make contact, you better hope those jerks down there with the wooden signs don't knock it out of the air, or else you score no points.
YOU CAN'T KILL IT WITH FIRE
Earth's First Predator Was A Six-Foot Sea Scorpion
Every time paleontologists discover a new fossilized death beast, it becomes more clear that humanity's continued existence is nothing but pure dumb luck. We were spared from the wrath of planet chock full of giant carnivorous monsters3 and given enough time to develop things like guns and tanks and bombs. Sure, we can read this story about Pentecopterous decorahensis — a five foot seven sea scorpion scientists named after an old Greek warship — and feign horror. But deep down, we know that we are ultimately safe from such ancient horrors. Which is why we need a good space-bug invasion to unite humanity and snap us out of our complacency.4
BONUS: Listen To These Idiot Birds And The Dumb Sounds They Make
