STEP UP YOUR UMBRELLA GAME
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From time to time, we find ourselves curious about a topic and do some digging (we're contractually obligated to use this word in every post). So here, for your edification, the nectar of our mind grapes.

Each spring, we dig through the depths of our closets and struggle to find the last surviving $5 umbrella we bought in desperation from a man on the street the last time we were caught in a downpour. We dare not get too attached, for we know that this umbrella is not long for this world. It too shall break and be hastily discarded with a lengthy cursing tirade on a crowded street corner. 

We've all been there. Flickr/jontintinjordan

Umbrellas have been around for 3,000 years, and the basic design hasn't changed in almost as long. It's a tube with some fabric propped up on the top. Why are they still so horribly manufactured?

This year, we have vowed to stop the endless cycle of umbrella use, abuse, and destruction. This year, we're going to do it right. This year, we're going to figure out why umbrellas break and how to pick a quality one. This year is going to be different.

Why Umbrellas Break

Too many parts. James Carver Umbrellas

Look at all these parts. There are about 150 of them in every umbrella. Every single one of them needs to survive not only the wrath of nature, but the abuse you put it through when it's not in use. A good umbrella minimizes the number of parts and makes sure that those receiving the most stress — such as stretchers, ribs and springs — can withstand the pressures exerted upon them. 

Most of the time, we break our umbrellas along the ribs. These are the thin pieces of metal that are attached to the fabric and extend when a user unfurls the umbrella. In order to fold down to a manageable size, each rib has three or four ligaments, or smaller sections that are jointed together by small pins. These pins are worthless and weak.

When a gust of wind catches your umbrella the wrong way, it often becomes inverted, stressing joints and occasionally snapping. This is also terrible. You look like you tried to pull a Mary Poppins and failed.

What To Look For When You Buy An Umbrella

The perfect umbrella is small enough to carry easily when not in use, large enough to protect you when it is in use, waterproof, affordable and durable. It's 2014. We can find this.

— Waterproof: This may seem obvious, but hey, we're starting with the basics.

— Grippy handle: We use umbrellas when it is raining. When it is raining, things get wet. When things get wet, they get slippery. Therefore, we want an umbrella with a grippy handle.

Pretty, but not grippy. James Smith & Sons

— Solid rivets: Rivets are used to connect ribs, stretchers and ligaments. Hollow rivets are cheap. Solid rivets last. If you can see through the pin holding a joint together, don't buy that umbrella.

— Frame: A quality frame is what keeps an umbrella from collapsing in the wind. Aluminum frames are light and cheap to manufacture, but they are no match for high winds. Look for a frame made of steel, nickel, brass or fiberglass if you want your umbrella to last more than a couple months.

— Double-canopy: Winds shift and gust during storms. Oftentimes, they surprise us and try to invert the ribs of an umbrella. To avoid this, you're going to want a double-canopy umbrella.

— Affordable: Let he who has not lost an umbrella cast the first stone. It happens. You want to own a quality product, but not something that's too expensive to replace every couple of years when you leave it in a bar. Or a cab. Or at an ex's place.

The Perfect Umbrella

It doesn't exist. But, our friends over at The Wirecutter have assembled a handy guide to a few umbrellas that come close.

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