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How Should I Deal With My Coworker’s Habit Of Stabbing Furniture With A Knife, Which All My Other Colleagues Treat As Normal, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Should I Deal With My Coworker's Habit Of Stabbing Furniture With A Knife, Which All My Other Colleagues Treat As Normal?
I am dealing with a bizarre situation at work and could use some advice on how to proceed.
My coworker, Charlie, has several concerning habits involving the lighter and several utility knives he carries around on a daily basis. When we're in team meetings or things are slow in the lab, Charlie will do a few things: pull out a piece of leather and hone his knives, loudly and repeatedly flick his lighter on and flip the lid over the flame to put it out, shred pieces of paper with one of his knives (leaving a huge mess he rarely picks up), or use one of his knives to stab and/or whittle at whatever chair, wall, or table is nearest. He does this in plain view of anyone who's around.
I am a relative newcomer to this team; almost everyone else has worked with Charlie for years and seems accustomed to what they refer to as his quirks. (I've been on this team for three months, but at the company for almost three years.)
My team spends a great deal of time doing work in a shared lab space. There are tables, chairs, and computers in the labs that everyone has to use. The few times I've been working with Charlie, he'll whip out his knives and violently stab the arms of the chair he's sitting in. One time I asked him what he was doing, and he laughed and said that the chair "had a pimple" he was fixing...
I've asked several of my teammates about Charlie and his strange behavior and every single one has brushed it off and said something along the lines of "that's just Charlie..."
Other than his scary habits, he seems to care deeply about his work and is cheerful and friendly with everyone. More than once, he's been recognized by management for outstanding work, and generally people seem to like him...
I know there are some problems with my team; a former teammate, John, was reassigned due to anger issues and my several of my coworkers have said very mean and inappropriate things about the person who reported John for yelling and throwing chairs. I'm strongly considering talking to HR and my boss, but Charlie is inexplicably well liked, I'm afraid of retaliation from my team. What else can I do here?
Alison Green offers the letter writer several scripts for addressing Charlie's habits. "[T]his behavior is so wildly bizarre (and distracting, and unsafe) that it really does warrant raising it," she writes. "You should mention your concerns about retaliation to both your boss and HR — including that trash-talk about the chair-throwing reporter — so they're aware of that as an additional element that needs to be navigated.” Read the rest of her answer..
How Should I Navigate My Fiancé's Decision To Have A Child With Another Woman?
My fiancé, normally a wonderful partner, has been acting increasingly weird lately and finally told me he probably wants kids — something I never wanted and we'd agreed we wouldn't do.
He has a very close friend with a ticking biological clock whom he proposes he could have the kid with. There may or may not be another father-like figure in this proposed kid's life — unclear right now.
I plan to stay and try to make it work, but with a lot of trepidation. What will he still be able to do with me? What will I no longer be able to expect? Can I preserve space for me in my own life? I'm historically not great at setting or sticking to boundaries.
I want to crawl off and hide in my closet just thinking of the smug line from everyone that MY LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER and it's selfish to expect otherwise. I don't need that. I know some things will change and some changes might even be happy. I just need a sober analysis of what joy and connection I can still have with my life partner that don't ALL revolve around a child. There are no resources I can find for this, and I'm really lost.
Carolyn Hax points out that if the letter writer's fiancé has a child, the letter writer will be a stepparent. "I would rather be wrong about this, but it sounds as if he is breaking up with you in increments because the whole thing feels too big and painful," she writes. "Marrying you and having a family with someone else is a plan to have it both ways that I've never run across, which is saying something." Read the rest of her answer.
Would It Be OK If I Baked Cupcakes For The Birthday Of One Of My Direct Reports But Not The Other?
In the middle of last year, I was promoted to manager of a small team. At the time, it was just me and one other person, Fred, but we've since added one more, Bob, to the team. Fred has been at the company longer than I have, and we've become fairly friendly. For every birthday of his that I've been with the company, I've baked a treat (think cupcakes, nothing extravagant) to share with everyone. I'm a hobby baker, and at various other times I've brought in treats to celebrate other co-workers' birthdays or just because I wanted to try a new recipe.
Fred's birthday is coming up soon, and it will be his first since I've been promoted to managing him. Bob's birthday is a few months away. Bob and I have a good professional relationship, but our personal one is not at a level where I would feel moved to make the effort to make something for his birthday. Would it be inappropriate to make something for Fred's day but not for Bob's, since they are both my direct reports? My desire to make something for Fred has always stemmed from our personal relationship, not our professional one.
[Inc.]
Alison Green rules that it would be very inappropriate for the letter writer to bake for one direct report but not the other. "Your primary relationship with both of them now is as their manager," she writes. "You can't do anything that would make a reasonable person think you favor Fred — and baking cupcakes for him but not Bob would definitely do that." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Does My Boyfriend Always Make Sure I Pay The Exact Same Amount That He Paid When I Buy Our Desserts On Dates?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two months. When we go out to dinner, he usually covers our entrees, and he expects me to pay for dessert. It's kind of weird because he always makes sure we pay the exact same amount. For example, if we go to Chipotle and he pays, he'll suggest going to a coffee shop afterward and intentionally orders a lot to even things out. I wonder why he's so focused on everything being equal. To be honest, when talking about fairness, he eats and orders significantly more than I do for both the main course and dessert.
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole suggests splitting everything down the middle instead of going along with the boyfriend's complicated orchestrations. "Talk to your boyfriend directly and ask him why he works so hard to make sure that you pay equal amounts on each date," she writes. "Tell him you find it strange and unnecessary." Read the rest of her answer.
Shouldn't Servers Take Women's Orders First, As An Acknowledgment That They Bear The Major Duty Of Procreation?
Whose order should a waiter take first? I was taught to always defer to the women in our party, eldest first, then the men, eldest last. At a recent two-couple meal, our Gen Z waiter said his generation saw no need for that. I would have gone on to explain that women have a very special status in as much they bear the major duty of procreation and are pretty much the sine qua non of sentient existence. Am I an out of touch T. rex?
Robin Abrahams argues that restaurant patrons should strive to make the server's job as easy as possible. "What would ease women's burden is good maternal health care, reliable child care, reproductive autonomy, parental leave, partners who do half the work without being told, and a supportive community," she writes. "Those are the things that make life better for people who can bear children, and pointless little gestures of 'chivalry' in the absence of them feels frankly insulting." Read the rest of her answer.
Is A Woman Who Expects Her Boyfriend To Love Her Dog Emotionally Unbalanced?
What is this thing about dogs? I see women on dating sites saying, "You must love my dog," and I find it really annoying. I know some women adore their dogs, but demanding that a man should love your dog if he really cares about you is insane. What's the matter with these women? I think they're emotionally unbalanced.
[[UExpress(https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2024/05/17/1)]
Abigail Van Buren observes that the letter writer would not be a good match for a woman who expects her partner to embrace her dog. "For some people, regardless of gender, their dog becomes like their child, and anyone becoming romantically involved with them must accept that it will be a package deal," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
