Can I Salvage My Relationship After Hiding In My Girlfriend's Closet To Spy On Her, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Can I Salvage My Relationship After Hiding In My Girlfriend's Closet To Spy On Her?
I got some weird vibes from my girlfriend this week and when she said she didn't want me to come over last night I was really concerned my worst fears were coming true. I was so panicked I decided to hide in a coat closet she never uses to see what was up.
It turns out she was just having a girls night and my girlfriend basically told her friends all the same issues she's talked to me about (work, failing LSAT, gyno problems, etc...) and was even very complimentary of me. I felt super guilty so i figured i would just stay put until she went to bed then I would quietly leave.
Shit hit the fan when a friend spilled something and girlfriend told her to get the vacuum out of the hall closet (I was in the coat closet in the entry way). To my absolute horror the door opened and the friend screamed when seeing me.
My girlfriend was furious and I didn't even try to lie. I said I was worried she was acting weird and I decided to spy on her. I sat there in an apartment of four women more humiliated than I ever have been. It's a shame like I've never felt. My girlfriend just said fo Get out and never call her again. This morning she texted me that her dad and brother will be at her apartment from 3-5 and I need fo come get my stuff and bring hers over. That was all she said.
Is there any way I can recover this relationship ?
The commenters on the r/relationship_advice subreddit inform the letter writer that there is no way to recover this relationship. "You've demonstrated you have no issue with spying on her, invading her privacy, lying (because had you not been caught, you'd have never owned up right?), and you have such little respect for her that you'd rather spy on her than speak openly," one of them writes. Read the rest of their answers.
How Should I Ask My Boss, Who Usually Pays Me An Extra $500 Per Month From Her Personal Budget, Why She Didn't Pay Me This Month?
I have been in my current position for about two years now. As the pandemic has eased and the job market opened up, a vast majority of my colleagues at my level have left for other companies, meaning that I am one of the employees who best knows the ropes and has been here longest. I recently asked for a raise to reflect my experience compared to my recently hired coworkers and my time at the company.
My supervisor told me that my raise request was not approved for a variety of reasons unrelated to my performance. However, she sensed that this would likely cause me to look for work elsewhere, so she offered to directly pay me $500 on top of my regular salary each month. I voiced my concerns about this arrangement (issues could arise if I'm ever looking for another raise at this company as my base salary has officially stayed the same, I am not sure how this affects my taxes, and I'm worried it will create an uncomfortable dynamic between us) but ultimately, I accepted her offer. Since we came to this agreement, I have learned from some of my coworkers that many people have this arrangement with their direct supervisors at my company.
Everything was fine for a few months. However, this month, she did not pay me. Things have been stressful at work, so I'm unsure if she has simply forgotten or if she is somehow unhappy with my performance and decided I do not deserve this extra money. $500 is a big chunk of my rent and, though I'll be fine, it will obviously affect my finances in the future if she continues to not honor the agreement we came up with.
I'm just not sure what to do here. Any suggestions on how to ask if our strange arrangement still stands without seeming greedy or opening another can of worms?
Alison Green rules that this arrangement is both highly abnormal and highly shady. "[I]f you want to address it, I'd just do it very straightforwardly: 'You normally send me a monthly payment by the 1st of the month but I haven't received it yet — should I have?'" she writes. "But please start actively working on leaving this job." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Call The Police After My Brother Set Me Up On A Date With A 15-Year-Old Girl?
I am getting divorced from my wife. It's not acrimonious, just sad. However, I don't want to be the "loser" in the divorce, so I've been going on some dates.
Last week, my younger brother (he's 24, I'm 37) called me and said he'd met this woman at his job who was perfect for me. Similar age to me, similar interests, really cute! I saw her picture and she looked like a model, but I assumed that there were some filters applied since it was from social media. Then I turned up at the restaurant and she was clearly not in her thirties, and after I sat down and briefly spoke to her, she was clearly not an adult. I ended up hiding in the toilet and calling my wife. She drove over and took the girl's phone to call her dad, and it turns out she was 15. Apparently my brother had paid her to go on this date, but when her dad pressed for details on what was meant to happen, she clammed up.
I have no idea what to do next. My relationship with my brother has always been fine; we've not fallen out over anything, and there's no family business or inheritance that he could want to disinherit me from. My parents say he won't talk to them about it, and want me to just drop it since it was just a bad prank.
Except it obviously wasn't! I could have been arrested, even though I would not have done anything (the girl was dressed to the nines, but was still obviously way too young to be there), the optics were obviously bad. And what if he pulls this "prank" on someone else and a child gets hurt? Why is he even giving 15-year-olds money online anyhow?
My wife thinks I should call the police and tell them what happened (the girl's dad would rather not, but has agreed to back up my account if I want to take it that way). I think she's probably right, if only to have a background if he does anything else, but I don't know? It just feels surreal, because I really can't think why my brother would have done this or even thought about it. I just keep stalling out on doing anything, because I just can't imagine how to explain this when NOTHING HAPPENED to motivate it?
[Slate]
Jenée Desmond-Harris advises the letter writer to skip calling the police and instead to confront the brother directly about how disturbing his behavior is. "Whatever he may or may not be doing with underage girls in his personal life, he is, at the very least, a predator who thinks it's acceptable for teens to date grown men — and that's enormously concerning," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Prevent My Wife, Who Stayed Home For Years To Take Care Of Our Special Needs Kid, From Getting Any Money In Our Divorce?
I'm in the process of divorcing my good-for-nothing, lazy, hateful wife. For years she has stayed at home, where she spent my money and had me subsidize her lifestyle while she supposedly was doing the "hard work" of raising children. Whenever I came home from a busy, hectic day, she would throw the kids at me, then sit on her phone while I did all the heavy lifting; on weekends, she would harangue me if I had the audacity to go out with friends, when she has no friends of her own and expected me to be her entertainment. She complained that she never had a day off, but what about me?
We're divorcing now, and she's whining to everyone that she's going to be penniless, that I'm throwing her out and she's going to be homeless. She's complaining that she gave up her career to take care of the kids. One of them is special needs but his needs aren't that bad (just a feeding tube and wheelchair and a few weakness issues). I know she used it as an excuse to quit her job that she hated. She is lazy and spiteful and I don't want to give her an ounce of my money, but I know my story isn't sympathetic, and I'm afraid she's going to take me to the cleaners. What can I do?
[Slate]
Elizabeth Spiers notes that this letter might be fake but takes the precaution of telling the letter writer that he is the bad guy. "Being the primary breadwinner isn't an excuse for doing none of the parenting work, even on weekdays," she writes. "Your soon-to-be ex won't be penniless, because you'll have to pay her something in alimony, but she did make choices that enabled your career while harming her own." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Make A Move On My Much Younger Friend, Who Just Broke Up With Her Fiancé And Says She Doesn't Want To Date Right Now?
I am 39 year old man in love with a 26 year old woman that I have been friends with for the last four years. Over the years that I have interacted with her, I slowly fell for this girl, until one day about a year after knowing her I realized I was in love with her. Despite the age gap (12 years 9 months), I have many things in common with her. Similar taste with food, political leanings, books and movies even personality quirks and traits. The differences with her appear small little things like pet preferences (not a big deal for me), except for the age disparity.
There are times I think she appears to be attracted to me: the way she says hi to me in lower soft tone of voice sometimes, the way she talks to me in a shy manner compared to others or even laughing at my jokes. She recently broke up with her fiancé of five years as of a few weeks ago and has expressed the idea of not dating for a while. I don't know if I should act now or wait it out a little. I am also afraid she will reject me because of the gap and thus damage our friendship. Should I wait it out, make an attempt, or try to move on?
Harris O'Malley urges the letter writer to leave his friend alone. "The way she says 'hello' isn't really a reliable indicator of interest, nor is talking in a shyer manner," he writes. "I think you're taking normal behavior and rounding it up to interest because you're hoping she's interested." Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Tell My Colleague I Lied On My Resume To Get This Job And Have No Idea What I'm Doing?
I lied on my resume to get my new job, and now I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I've been winging it every day since I started. The money I'm making now is far too good to walk away from, and I really enjoy what I do, but every day I'm afraid that someone is going to notice that I don't belong here. Should I stay until I figure it out? Should I tell a work colleague?
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole encourages the letter writer to confide in a trusted colleague but not to reveal that they lied on their resume. "Instead, point to what you do not understand and ask for guidance on how to handle that task," she writes. "If you are sincere in your request and ready to jump in and learn, you may get a pass." Read the rest of her answer.
