Can I Continue To Have Sex With My Boyfriend's Brother Even Though My Boyfriend Wants Me To Stop, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Can I Continue To Have Sex With My Boyfriend's Brother Even Though My Boyfriend Wants Me To Stop?
Last year, my boyfriend's brother lost his job during the pandemic and moved in with us. We spent a lot of time together (I also was out of a job) and started to have sex every once in a while, and then we started to have it a lot. We both felt guilty about doing it secretly so we fessed up and were surprised and happy that it was OK with him. For the first couple of months I just bed hopped, but then they both decided they wanted to try it at the same time. No ick factor because they don't have sex with each other; they just both have sex with me at the same time. I've done it with two guys before, but never when I loved both of them and this has been the best sex and the best relationship I ever had. But now brother got a new job and boyfriend wants him to get his own place. That would be bad enough, but he also wants to go back to us being monogamous with each other. I don't want to do that. He asked if I was choosing brother over him and I said no, I want them both. He says this was just an arrangement for convenience when we were all thrown together, but there's no need for it anymore. We haven't talked to brother about it yet because we want to resolve how we feel about it with each other first. Is there some way this could work out?
[Slate]
Rich Juzwiak advises the letter writer to accommodate their boyfriend's wishes if they want to stay in the relationship. "That might be frustrating, but not being able to sleep with a guy and his brother at the same time is actually pretty standard, you'll find if you look around," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Should I Tell My Boyfriend I'm Insulted He Heavily Edits Photos Of Me On Instagram?
My (19F) boyfriend (19M) edits my appearance in his posts
I don't have Instagram but he's always had permission to post photos of me.
Anyway, my friend was on her phone and I saw one of his pictures pop up. I asked her to go into his account and EVERY single picture of us was edited. Not extremely, and he edits himself too, but the stuff he does for me is a bit insulting.
My skin is paler, my boobs are bigger, I'm smiling with teeth, completely clear face… he edits himself too, but not to the extent that he edits me. I'm pretty insulted by this (is natural me not good enough for you?) but at the same time I'm wondering if he's just really insecure and I'm being roped into it. Should I approach this gently?
The commenters on the r/relationship_advice subreddit agree that the boyfriend's behavior is insulting and urge the letter writer to be direct with him. "Tell him to stop editing you or just stop posting pics," one of them writes. "I'd feel really hurt by that." Read the rest of their answers.
How Can I Get My Wife And My Boyfriend To Talk To Each Other More In Order To Share Insights About Me?
I'm in an open relationship with my wife, who lives with me, and my boyfriend, who lives abroad. Both relationships have their own dynamics, and I do my best to be communicative between them. However, my two partners seldom talk to each other, to my growing frustration. I have told them both this is something important to me for over a year, and they have made attempts in an online group chat, but eventually they'll return to not talking. It's not for any dislike of each other — I'm pretty sure they just don't share many common interests and probably have difficulty making what seems like forced small talk. It's not that I want to force them to be close, and I will frustrate them back if I try to keep hammering them on the issue. Personally, I think communication is super important, and I think they would have different insight into me that they could share with each other because of our different relationships. Is there a healthy strategy to encourage them to talk more? Should I drop this issue once and for all?
[Slate]
Shannon Palus, temporarily filling in as Dear Prudence, urges the letter writer not to push this. "Because unless there's a specific relationship-related issue you wish they would address with each other directly rather than using you as a middle-person, having them communicate more with each other 'just because' isn't really up to you," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is My Wife's Desire To Open Up Our Marriage, But Only For Her, Reasonable?
My wife and I have been married for ten years, but she recently asked me for an open marriage. I can't say I love the idea, but I think I could be okay with it so long as it's open on both sides. My thinking was that it'll hurt if I'm like, "I want to be with only you" and she's like, "I also want to be with someone else," because, well, that sounds like a bad conversation to have. Maybe if we both open it up, then the give and take is more balanced. It'll be different, but we'll settle into it.
She insists that she only wants to open it up on her end, and has accused me of being selfish. She keeps saying that, "If you truly love someone, you want the best for them even if it's not with you," basically arguing that I should stay monogamous because that would make her happy while she isn't monogamous. And I understand the beauty of selfless love, but it also doesn't make sense to me.
It feels like she's accusing me of being selfish for being sad that she doesn't want to be with me as much as before, and for wanting to try and adjust my feelings accordingly... Am I unreasonable for taking my stance? Am I being "selfish" (negative connotation) for doing so?
Wendy Atterberry rules that the wife, not the letter writer, is being unreasonable and selfish. "She doesn't want an 'open marriage'; she wants permission to cheat (aka, she wants you to be a 'cuckold')," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is There Any Online Dating Site Where I Can Find Women Half My Age Who Won't Ask Me For Money?
I have had bad relationships with women I met online in the past. Last year, a young woman came and stayed with me from March through June and kept asking me for money. I ended up giving her $6,000 when it was all said and done. After things ended with that woman, I started talking to another woman, who borrowed $4,000 for medical expenses. Currently, I'm talking to a few women — primarily this one 30-year-old woman who lives in the same state as me. But every time I ask her to get together in person, she always says that she wishes she could but is busy that weekend. Then there's another one who's 27 that says she wants to be with me but she doesn't have money to get gas to come visit.
What is the best way to find somebody to date? Do you know of any good dating sites where you really don't have to pay a lot? Because I don't want to spend a lot of money trying to find somebody. I'm going to be 50 a week from today.
[Creators]
Annie Lane counsels the letter writer to stop giving money to women they meet online. "Date some women who are closer to your age and, more importantly, who have their own income," she writes. "You can find better fits for you on a well-reputed dating website such as Match.com, which costs $15.99-$18.99 per month." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Stop Buying Chocolates For People At Work Because A Fat Person Ate Some?
I am a senior leader in a large health care system. In my department's break room, I noticed a small, empty wicker basket. I started to fill it (anonymously) with individually wrapped chocolates I buy personally, as a small morale booster. Every week or so I refill the basket. Last week I walked into the office of one of my direct reports for a brief meeting and noticed on their desk a small pile of Hershey Kisses, likely taken from the basket in the break room.
This employee is a high-performing, outstanding individual. They are also quite overweight. I said nothing of course, but now am wondering: am I contributing to this person's weight problem, with all its attendant health risks, or am I just doing something nice for the office staff, or both? Do I continue to fill the basket with chocolates?
Roxane Gay invites the letter writer to stop making assumptions about other people's health based on their body size. "Keep filling the basket with chocolates or don't but stop obsessing about someone else's public body and private life," she writes. "It is fatphobic and unkind and unnecessary." Read the rest of her answer.
