Was I A Jerk To Plan A Vacation My Girlfriend Couldn't Afford And Then Expect Her To Pay For Everything, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Was I A Jerk To Plan A Vacation My Girlfriend Couldn't Afford And Then Expect Her To Pay An Equal Share For Everything?
My girlfriend, myself, my parents, and my brother and his wife all went on vacation in another country a week ago. My brother and I were the ones who did most of the planning of the itinerary although we did ask everyone else for input. For background, I make around $150,000k as an IT consultant, my girlfriend is a teacher making $45,000k. My parents are pretty affluent as well as my brother and sister in law.
My girlfriend knew this trip was coming up and took on a second job waitressing on the weekends for several months to get ready for it. We have always split things 50/50 in the 2 years we have been together. There were a few times on the vacation when she did not go on outings with us- wine tasting/scuba diving/etc. She also would only eat 2 meals a day, simply stating that she was on a budget. My family does favor more high-end (*expensive*) places. My parents thought it was very strange that she only eats 2 meals a day although normally she eats 3.
When we got home I asked her why she skipped out on several of the outings and only ate 2 meals a day- I mentioned how I heard her stomach growling one night and said I was concerned about her having an eating disorder. She got teary eyed and said that 3 meals a day wasn't fiscally feasible for her and neither were the outings that she chose not to go on (she went on 3 of 6 outings). She said she was not expecting everything to cost so much and she was overwhelmed.
She also said she doesn't know if this is going to work long term if she is expected to go on vacations like that with people who make so much more than her. I feel bad that I did not pick up on her discomfort sooner. But we did agree to split everything 50/50 and I don't know why she agreed to come if the cost was an issue.
The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit overwhelmingly agree that the letter writer is an asshole. "Yes, going 50/50 might have worked out in the beginning of their relationship, but when the income disparity is that big, you need to adjust the agreement," one of them writes. "Why should she be the one to live up to his desires, when he so clearly doesn't care about hers?" Read the rest of their answers.
Should I Continue Dating My Ex-Husband, Who Took My Car And Savings And Left Me With His Unpaid Bills?
My husband of five years walked out on me last year…
Last year was actually the third time he's walked out on me, but this time he filed for divorce.
When he left, he took just about every item we'd purchased together, including my car, and my portion of the money that was in our savings account. I also found out that he'd been telling mutual friends during the previous year that I was a burden to him.
Now, he wants to start spending time with me, in order to (in his words), "Make sure that I'm OK," due to the struggles I've faced since being laid off because of COVID, and having to pay past due balances on bills that he left me with.
We've been sleeping together, and he's told me that he still loves me.
Our divorce is final, and I've done my best to move on, but now I'm stumped because I do still love him a great deal.
I know I should probably kick him to the curb, but he seems sincere. Should I run away screaming or should I give him another chance?
Amy Dickinson thanks the letter writer for setting her up for a "slam dunk" answer. "You don't need to 'run away, screaming,'" she writes. "HE is the one who needs to go." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Coworker To Stop Going Out Of Her Way To Commute Home With Me?
I recently started a new job and found out that a former coworker from my last job and I have been hired into the organization at the same rank…
A big part of her learning process is that she's a verbal processor and does not let anything go. So if she doesn't understand something, she will continue to talk about it for hours on end. Literal, actual hours.
The issue is, we have exactly the same commute because we live in the same neighborhood. Those conversations follow me home every time we work together. She rehashes the exact same conversations we had all day, highlighting how she feels "behind." I really like her a lot and really enjoy talking to her but eight-hours-plus of intense exposure to her is making me dread my commute, which I usually love.
She will wait until I'm finished at work, ignoring my "go on ahead without me," "you don't have to wait for me," "I have stuff to finish up," "I have an appointment," etc., sometimes waiting up to an hour for me, and walk with me to the bus/light rail/Uber. She has even switched her commute to match mine or tried to split an Uber if I say I'm headed in a different direction or trying something new.
I've tried telling her I want a quiet commute, and I've tried just outlasting her by waiting for her to leave, but she just waits longer and lingers. There have been times where she said she has left, killed time in the neighborhood, and then met me on the walk to the transportation hub, saying she hoped she would see me on the way….
What are some phrases I can use or a strategy to have a solo commute? I do not want to hurt her feelings as she's really truly very sensitive and insecure about her role, and I like her a lot but this is not sustainable and I need my time to be my own.
Alison Green advises the letter writer to be very, very direct with their coworker about their need to be left alone during their commute. "[Y]ou're entitled to set boundaries on your time and it's not at all strange or unreasonable to want to use your commute time to decompress and not talk about work (or talk about anything)," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Husband It's Not Reasonable To Expect Me To Pay His Taxes For Him When He Earns More Than Me?
My husband and I have separate bank accounts and split expenses down the middle. We are both good earners, but in the past four years, his salary has tripled. Overall, this is fantastic — until it comes to tax time. Because we were equal earners for the first 15 years of our marriage, we split the tax bill down the middle, but now his high earnings have swollen our tax bill. He contends I should still pay half, "because we've always done it that way."
Me pointing out the ratio of our earnings doesn't move him. It doesn't phase him either when our tax preparer unequivocally stated we're in a new tax bracket because of my husband's new salary. He can afford to pay more — he just refuses. Facts don't move him. Any advice for what might?
[Slate]
Athena Valentine urges the letter writer to take action instead of continuing to try to persuade their husband. "The next time this comes up, tell him you've looked into filing taxes separately, and you will be moving forward with this course of action," she writes. "This way, you can each pay what you owe without having to fight about it." Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Comment On How Short My Friend's Boyfriend Is When She Asked What I Thought Of Him?
My friend has been dating a man for over a year but because of the pandemic I just met him for the first time. I was shocked that he is at least six inches shorter than her. When we talked afterward and she asked me what I think, I told her how surprising it was, given that in the past she has mentioned only being interested in taller men.
She was very upset that I said this.
I don't understand why I'm not allowed to answer honestly when asked what I think about him. I'm simply stating true facts: He is a lot shorter than her, she never mentioned that fact or posted social media pics that would show it in the year they've dated, and she has previously said she doesn't like short men. Was I really that wrong to say anything?
Carolyn Hax encourages the letter writer to apologize to their friend if they want to preserve the friendship. "I will defend your freedom to make pointless, tactless gotcha comments about the blindingly obvious, but, no, you don't get a pass on the consequences," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Dare My Brother-In-Law Give Away The Expensive Flower Arrangement I Sent To His Wife's Funeral?
What is the proper etiquette concerning funeral flowers?
Sadly, my sister-in-law was a victim of the COVID pandemic. We ordered the finest flowers we could afford (NOT cheap!), and were glad to see the flowers we ordered at the funeral.
We were all masked and distanced, so my view was from way back. At the end of the service, before I had a chance to get a closer look at all the flowers, the arrangement we purchased was mysteriously GONE!
My husband told me that my sister-in-law's widower told people they could take the flowers. I don't know if someone asked about taking them, or if he made an announcement that they could do so.
I think it is very tacky to take flowers from a funeral. I'm just thankful that my husband was able to see all of the arrangements early, and noticed that my workplace sent flowers, so I knew to express my appreciation to them.
[UExpress]
Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin opine that it's totally fine for funeral guests to take flowers home if they're offered by the deceased person's family. "The presumption is that they are better off giving enjoyment to others than wilting at the funeral home," they write. Read the rest of their answer.
