Am I A Jerk For Refusing To Let My Sister Kick Me Out Of My House For Her Honeymoon, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Am I A Jerk For Refusing To Let My Sister Kick Me Out Of My House For Her Honeymoon?
My house used to belong to my parents. But they sold it to me in 2017. It had been a family vacation home of sorts… Fast forward to the end of 2016. My sister got accepted to her dream college… Everyone was excited and proud of her, me too. But a week after that my parents called asking if I'd found a house yet.
I was looking for one and my family knew it. I'd been saving up since I started my first job at 20. I said no so my dad suggested I buy the lake house from them… Turns out sis didn't have any savings for college and didn't get some scholarship like she'd planned? And our parents couldn't afford to pay for everything either. I asked why she didn't get student loans and they said they didn't want her ruining her credit. So their solution was to sell the lake house and use the money from that to finance her college.
I had lots of good memories from the lake house so eventually I agreed… My gf moved in permanently last year before lockdown and it's been pretty blissful.
2019 my sister & her college bf got engaged. Parents agreed to pay for her wedding…
Issues came up recently when my sis asked where I was going to stay for the 2 weeks after her wedding? Puzzled I answered my house? She got a sour look and said that wouldn't work, her and fiance would be there and they wanted private time. I asked why they'd be at my house and she said that's where they were having their honeymoon. Two weeks alone at a lake house. I said that was news to me. She insisted our parents said it was fine…
After arguing she called our parents who said I was being unreasonable. I said I didn't want my sister and her fiance christening their new union by fucking in my house. They said I was being gross and selfish. I said no again so sis threatened to remove me from the bridal party. I just shrugged and said okay. She starts crying, saying she already couldn't have her dream wedding like she wanted and now I was trying to ruin her honeymoon too. I told her to rent a hotel room like every other newlywed couple then hung up.
She's not speaking to me and I'm uninvited to the wedding. Our parents keep calling me and saying I should do this for her since her wedding is only 1/3 what she wanted it to be. But I'm not comfortable with them staying unsupervised at my house. They're making me feel like a monster for saying no. AITA?
The commenters on the r/AmItheAsshole subreddit agree that the letter writer is not the jerk in this situation. "Not only do your parents have no business giving anyone permission to stay at your home, what the heck was your sister thinking that you'd just move out of YOUR HOME for two weeks?" one of them writes. Read the rest of their answers (and an update from the letter writer).
Is It OK That My Closeted Boyfriend Insults Me For Being Gay In Front Of Our Friends?
I'm an out 26-year-old gay man with a 30-year-old boyfriend who is not out. That's fine. Everyone gets to come out at their own pace. We have been together three years and lived together for two. Which is also fine. I like living with him. But he "jokingly" calls me his "faggy roommate" and sometimes puts me down about being gay when we are around mutual friends so people won't think he's gay.
Dan Savage encourages the letter writer to dump his boyfriend. "Everyone gets to come out at their own pace — sure, okay, I guess, whatever," he writes. "But closeted adult gay men don't get to heap insults on their out gay sex partners in order to throw mutuals off the scent." Read the rest of his answer.
Did I Overreact When My Coworker Told Me I Should Build A Sex Dungeon?
There's a man who works for the same company, in the same building as me. We're not based in the same actual office and we have different bosses, but we meet in common areas and he always initiates conversation because we used to work together.
My issue is that he often makes small but sexualized comments that I find distressing. He does rank above me but because we don't work together, I've been brushing it off. For example, earlier today we ran into each other and he asked me about my apartment renovations. I mentioned I was turning one of the rooms into an office and he said I should turn it into a sex dungeon. It was said in a jokey way. Another time, I mentioned watching Bridgerton and he said he started watching it but there weren't enough "heaving bosoms," while looking at my chest.
I am aware that he has had two cases brought against him in the past two years for bullying and sexual harassment. I mentioned it to my line manager and she brushed it off, saying he was just a creep. Anyone I've spoken to — friends and coworkers — about this hasn't seem very perturbed. I do have a history of sexual trauma, so I am oversensitive. Am I overreacting? How should I deal with this?
Alison Green rules that the letter writer is not overreacting. "It's creepy and boundary-crossing for him to keep turning work conversations to sex, and the fact that he's had complaints against him before says he knows exactly what he's doing," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Have Surgery To Make My Penis Bigger Even Though My Girlfriend Has Said Sex With Bigger Guys Was Painful For Her?
My girlfriend and I are extremely happy together, but she told me that two of her exes had a bigger penis than me. Depending on the circumstances, my penis is normally about 5.8-6.2in. She said her most recent ex was bigger, at 7in, and the other was maybe an inch longer. I've always been self-conscious about it, but this makes me feel worse. For a long time I've wanted to get surgery, but she swears that I am the best sexual partner she has had. She also says that she and her most recent ex couldn't have sex in as many positions, because it would be painful. If I want to get surgery, should I? She says that I'm perfect the way I am and she thinks I'm the perfect size.
[The Guardian]
Pamela Stephenson Connolly advises the letter writer to listen to his girlfriend. "She is telling you that you are 'perfect', but all you hear is 'her ex's penis was bigger,'" she writes. "Work on soothing your male size anxiety and, instead of comparing yourself with others, focus on giving and receiving pleasure." Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Leading On The Eight Men I've Been Talking To Online, All Of Whom Say They Love Me But None Of Whom I've Met?
I am new to online dating. I started up with it after my husband's sudden death last year. He died just before the COVID-19 shutdowns began, which left me feeling even more isolated and sad. I moved away from my hometown to be closer to my oldest son, but I don't know anyone in this town aside from him.
Being so lonely, a few months ago I started going on Facebook and a dating app to try to meet men. I connected with one man I was interested in. Instead of stopping there, though, I kept chatting around and connected with seven more guys. I chat with each of them daily. They all say that they'll love me forever, but not one has come to meet me in person yet. I'd prefer to have a boyfriend whom I could actually meet in person.
I like all of them, and I love something about each of them, but I feel torn, since I can only marry one man. I hate to hurt seven men. Do you think that I made a big mistake by talking to eight men? I feel bad that I've been holding up their lives just to break their hearts.
[Creators]
Annie Lane points out that some of the men the letter writer has been talking to could be scammers. "Rather than wasting your time chatting with these men online, get outside and get to know your new town," she writes. "Join a book club, walking group, tennis clinic — anything that piques your interest." Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Wrong To Expect My Girlfriend To Stop Supporting Her Male Friends Now That She's Dating Me?
One of the reasons I fell in love with my girlfriend was her unwavering support for her friends and colleagues. She seemed to be everyone's biggest cheerleader no matter what, and I loved this about her. Now that we are officially together, I'm starting to feel a little different about that supportive quality. She shows the same type of love and supportiveness toward other men — including some I'm not particularly fond of. I think that kind of thing is a little inappropriate when you're in a relationship. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
[UExpress]
Harriette Cole urges the letter writer to examine his feelings of jealousy. "Be as clear as possible in your evaluation," she writes. "I say this because you seem to be holding a double standard for your girlfriend." Read the rest of her answer.
