Should I Continue Dating A Man Who Lets Me Pay His Mortgage But Won't Let Me Inside His House, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Continue Dating My Boyfriend, Who Lets Me Pay His Mortgage But Hasn't Let Me Inside His House In Two Years?
I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We are both in our mid-40s. But I feel as if we are walking in opposite directions on the road of life.
He works two full-time jobs and has several younger children. He has so many responsibilities financially that he is stretched thin. I have never been invited inside his home. I have been outside the house, but that is it…
I recently found out that his brother and his long-term girlfriend are living there and not helping with any of the household expenses. This bothers me because, until recently, I have more often than not covered his mortgage while paying my own rent and household expenses.
I told him that he needs to talk to the adults in his house because I can't financially continue to do this. He used stimulus money to get caught up on his mortgage because he was behind (I assumed that he hasn't paid since I stopped paying it). I told him a year ago that things would be so much easier for us if we lived together. But I feel as though that is not an option. And he says that he needs both jobs for the foreseeable future. This means that I see him roughly an hour a month. And we have a date night maybe once every five months, if he's able to get the night off. He keeps apologizing for not being able to see me. But every time we talk, he tells me about the bills he is behind on.
And I am not sure how much more I can take… Some days I just feel used to help him keep his head above water. How do I get him to see the big picture? Or do I just fade away into the shadows and tell him I can't do it anymore?
[Creators]
Annie Lane opines that it is the letter writer who is failing to see the big picture. "One hour a month of time spent together is not a relationship," she writes. "Walk away — today. This does not sound like a good match." Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Normal For An Interviewer To Send An Interviewee A Long List Of Things They Did Wrong After Rejecting Them?
I'm a younger person who is job searching for something full-time for the first time. Haven't been having a lot of luck of course due to the state of the world, but I recently got an interview where I made it all the way to the final round and was rejected.
At first, the company was really professional about it. They were kind enough to let me know I'd been rejected and thank me for my time. But then, about three days later, I got an email from one of the interviewers (a different one than the one who sent the formal rejection email, the final round had been in front of a panel).
The email body text said, "Hey, here's some tips for future interviews" and attached was a Word document with a super detailed list of everything I'd done wrong ... Here are all the comments from the document. It was a financial / stock company but the job wasn't directly connected to stocks (copywriter position writing some ads/website update):
"I can tell you are not passionate about stocks. Every member of this company has been passionately investing in the stock market as a hobby for years. You had basic technical knowledge and that's it.
"In general you seem to lack passion…
"You were clearly nervous throughout. You lack confidence.
"When asked about an issue you had overcome, you mentioned something that had happened in a job not related to our industry
"You didn't seem to have an interest in company culture. We mentioned we are a company with lots of events and training workshops and you didn't ask any further questions there.
"Your response to the favorite book question sounded pretentious and insincere. Les Miserables simply isn't a book people read for fun.
"You weren't enjoying yourself at all. We're a friendly company and you were tense and nervous the entire time we talked to you..."
Is this normal? It's left me feeling really terrible. According to him, I did -so- many things wrong. It's killing my confidence.
Alison Green begs the letter writer not to internalize any of the criticisms the interviewer sent them. "[S]ending someone a full litany of criticism like this — when they hadn't even asked for feedback! — is a jerk move," she writes. "Plus, the criticism itself is subjective, overly personal, and rudely framed, and his desire to send it to a stranger who hadn't solicited it says more about him than it does about you." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Continue To Forbid My Daughter From Going To The Library Where The Teen Sex Abuse Club Meets?
Our town has a local library where a lot of kids hang out. They have a very popular "teen club." Over the years, multiple older teens have been arrested for sexually abusing younger kids there. It's been an ongoing issue since about 2004 and hasn't improved — there's at least one new arrest per year, if not more. As a result, we don't go to the library anymore. We try to go to the library in the next town over, although it's tough with traffic and schedules. Now all of my 14-year-old daughter's friends hang out at the local library, and she wants to go too but I've forbidden it. She claims I'm being unfair and that she knows better than to get into a bad situation. My older kids, who are in their 20s now, warned me not to let her go. I also know there's one guy who my daughter's friend said "not to go near." Am I being unreasonable?
[Slate]
Jamilah Lemieux encourages the letter writer to hold the line and explain to their daughter why the library is dangerous. "Also, call your local alderperson, school board president ... whoever might be able to do something to break up Club Library, because it sounds like a nightmare and like it might also make things difficult for those kids who do need and want to study there, especially anyone who doesn't have computer access at home," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can Stop Being Angry At My Husband For Staying Friends With People I Treated Terribly?
I'm married to the most patient, loving and wonderful husband in the world. Recently, I had a falling-out with his friend group. I admit I was not a good friend due to mental illness, and I know I may never earn their forgiveness. I'm taking responsibility for my actions and seeking help. Now I want to move on and forget I ever knew them.
The problem is, my husband still hangs out with them. He defended me when they talked negatively about me, and continues to support me in all my struggles, but they're still buddy-buddy as if nothing ever happened. I can't help but think how awkward it is that he hangs out with a bunch of people who hate me.
The last thing I want is to break up a friendship, and I know it's petty to be angry that my husband still hangs with them, but it still leaves a sour taste in my mouth. How can I learn to let go knowing they will be a constant presence in my life and a reminder of how horrible I was?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren advises the letter writer to seek treatment for their mental illness and to apologize to the friend group for their actions. "You should not expect your husband to drop his friends because you messed up," she writes. "They probably will be present in your lives for the foreseeable future, but that doesn't mean you will always be at odds." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Family To Stop Making Me Sit At The Kids' Table Even Though I'm 24?
I'm a member of a large, very tightknit family. Before the pandemic, we had family dinners every week with a lot of extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins). Several of us have been vaccinated and once everyone has completed their vaccination course, I'm sure these dinners will continue.
My younger sister got pregnant at 15. She's now 19 and married with three kids. I'm 24 and very happily single. For some bizarre reason, I'm always relegated to the kids' table, while my sister and her husband get to sit with the adults. I love my little cousins (and nieces and nephews) but the closest in age to me is 12 years old, and sometimes I'd like to participate in conversation with adults in my family. I've tried to tactfully mention it in passing to one of my aunts who usually hosts, but she brushed me off. I'm hesitant to bring it up because I don't want to seem like I'm throwing a childish tantrum, but I'm a little irritated that I'm relegated to sit with the kids because I made better life choices than my sister. Is there a script to not sound like a whiny baby when I bring this up again with my family?
[Slate]
Danny M. Lavery counsels the letter writer not to worry too much about appearing childish in making this request. "You should be polite, of course, and don't throw down an ultimatum preemptively, but it's an abundantly reasonable expectation, and if none of the hosts are willing to offer you a seat at the table, declining to attend is an equally reasonable response," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Father-In-Law To Stop Kissing Me On The Mouth?
My father-in-law has been greeting me every time I see him with a kiss on the mouth.
I was a bit taken aback the first time this happened, but he really is a sweet man and a wonderful father-in-law and grandfather to my kids.
In no way do I feel like he is trying to be inappropriate, but it does make me feel uncomfortable.
Since the pandemic I've had a good excuse to turn my head away for a kiss on the cheek or forehead, but it always feels like he tries a little too hard to land on the lips.
We are all vaccinated now, and I believe he thinks it's OK to resume the lip-kisses.
Am I being over-sensitive here? Should I just let him kiss me, should I say something, or should I just keep turning my head?
Amy Dickinson empathizes with the letter writer's discomfort. "[M]ake eye contact with your father-in-law and say something like, 'Let me offer my cheek for a hello kiss. Let's go cheek-to-cheek from now on,'" she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
