Should I Confess That My Boss Asked Me To Lie In A Security Clearance Interview, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Should I Confess That I Lied In A Security Clearance Interview Because My Boss And Former Affair Partner Asked Me To?
I work in a large organization that requires its employees to have security clearance… We just have periodic interviews every few years to make sure we're not in a position that makes us vulnerable to blackmail, such as being in debt, being involved in criminal activity, that sort of thing…
Five years ago, I had a secret affair with a friend and colleague I had known for a few years. I was single, but I knew that he had been in an on-again-off-again relationship for about 10 years. This affair was really passionate and lasted six months before he concluded that it would be too much hassle to leave his long-term girlfriend. I was devastated…
Fast forward 18 months when he is now married to the girlfriend and with a baby on the way and is now my direct line manager. He asks me not to disclose our affair to the vetting agency as he could lose his clearance. I thought he was overreacting, but I was still so distressed by the events that I agreed. I had my interview and said nothing about our affair. This particular time was freaking awful… I mean, not wanting to live anymore, but not having the willpower to end it. Five years later, I'm in a much better place.
I've been thinking for a while now about coming clean to the vetting agency, as I'm sure it's not a big deal… I wouldn't want to do this behind his back. So I've been meaning to speak with him about it. However, I recently discovered from another colleague that he had slept with someone else around the time of his engagement, and initially lied about the dates to the vetting agency, which was a big deal. I don't believe that his second affair is my business, but I do believe he should have told me the full reasons why his vetting was at risk when he asked me to lie, instead of guilting me into it… Do you have any advice on how I should tackle the issue of cleaning my vetting slate and managing his reaction to this decision?
Jordan Harbinger and Gabriel Mizrahi point out that the professional consequences for coming clean about lying in the interview depend on whether the letter writer actually lied in response to a question or just failed to proactively mention the affair. "If you did not explicitly lie, then you almost certainly do not have to come clean and you should really investigate your own reasons for wanting to do so," says Harbinger. Read (or listen to) the rest of their answers.
How Can I Convince My Boyfriend To Stop Telling Children Santa Claus Isn't Real?
I started dating my boyfriend at college… This year we both graduated, and moved in together in our college city. Due to the world being how it is, we decided not to see either one of our families for Christmas, and are just spending it with each other.
The issues started the other week when we were out shopping. There was a socially distanced Santa's grotto in the large store we were in, and when my boyfriend saw it, he exclaimed in a loud voice "Santa isn't real!", and looked at me like I should be laughing or praising him. I didn't — I was shocked, and dragged him away before anyone could get to him (there were several angry parents waiting who were glaring at us). When we were outside, I asked him what the hell he was playing at, and he said that he's always hated the idea of Santa, and kids being "lied to" and "manipulated" into believing that some magical man bought all the presents for everyone in the world. I immediately asked if he'd had some traumatic experience with a Santa (like seeing someone part way through putting on the beard and hat) but he said no, and that his parents always told him the truth (he's an only child), and no one in his family ever tried to play along with the Santa "lie". This made me really sad — I loved Santa as a kid… I was also appalled at the shouting, and told him that it was childish and stupid, and he agreed not to do it again.
I thought that would be the end of it, but no — the other day I was going to the mail box, when someone who lives in our apartment block came up to me… She explained that the day before, he'd been out for a run and had passed her and her son (aged about 5 or 6) on the way out — they'd chatted for a minute, but it was obvious that the son wanted to leave and go back inside because he was "making cookies for Santa"… Yep, you guessed it, my boyfriend opened his mouth and told the kid the whole truth about the situation…
I confronted him when I got back, and all he could say was that he didn't think I'd be mad because he "didn't shout". I told him straight up that any future children we might possibly have had a right to be children, which includes being allowed to believe in Santa. He said that it would never happen… I can't possibly comprehend breaking up over this, but it seems like an immovable impasse. Am I being too stubborn — is Santa really that important?
The commenters on the r/relationship_advice subreddit encourage the letter writer to break up with her boyfriend. "Your boyfriend is a jerk and how he behaves tells a lot about his personality," one of them writes. "[T]his Santa thing indicates that he enjoys power and control and to upset people." Read the rest of their answers.
How Can I Get The Stripper I'm In Love With To Love Me Back?
I am a 64-year-old truck driver from East Texas. I went to a gentlemen's club and befriended a dancer there, "Renee," and I have grown to love her dearly in my heart. I feel she is a good-hearted, loving, beautiful and special woman. She is a queen in my heart. She has a 3-year-old daughter, and I want to accept her in my heart as well. She needs to have a father figure in her life.
I have asked to take Renee and her family out to eat sometime to show her how much I love her. I have shown my love with gifts for her and her daughter. I have bought flowers, cards and teddy bears. Yet, Renee won't return my calls, and she rarely responds to my texts. It hurts me deeply. I haven't been eating or sleeping much.
I feel in my heart that she doesn't really want to be in the job that she is now and that maybe I could take her away from that. She says I am different from other men who go there and that I have her heart. But she's said that kind of thing only when in the club and drinking. I wonder whether it's just the alcohol talking. I pray every day for her and her family to be OK. Will I ever be able to make her love me?
[Creators]
Annie Lane advises the letter writer to meet new people and to give therapy a try. "The best way to show your respect for this woman is to give her and her daughter some space," she writes. "You've made it clear you're interested, so trust that she'll reach out to you one day if she feels the same." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Father-In-Law's Partner That It's Weird That She Uses My Teen Daughter's Name For Her Email Address?
My wife and I have been married for 24 years. We have three daughters; 22, 20 and 14.
My mother-in-law died 16 years ago. My father-in-law has had a live-in partner, "Becky," for seven years. They live on the other side of the country.
Becky doesn't have children. She is self-absorbed and mainly relates to people through her own accomplishments and experiences…
Becky likes to tell everyone that our kids are her grandkids without making any other efforts to earn the title (no real contact, except through us). We have accepted this.
Recently, Becky created a new email address for herself that uses the name of our youngest daughter, "Mary Beth." Becky's email handle is now: marybeth@ [etc].com.
It is embarrassing for everyone, and totally irritates my wife, her sister and others in our family. We would never tell Mary Beth, because we fear she would feel violated and further separate from the only "grandmotherly" figure she has ever known.
Should we ask her to change it? Should we preemptively discuss the email address with our daughter?
Amy Dickinson urges the letter writer to tell Becky that the email address makes them uncomfortable. "No person with a shred of insight into the mind of a 14-year-old girl would dare use the girl's name as their email handle," she writes. "I shudder to even think of it." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Tell My Parents I Don't Want To Hear About Their Previous Miscarriages Every Single Day?
I am a 15-year-old guy, and before I was born, my parents had several early miscarriages. I was their "miracle rainbow baby," and they have always made sure we spend lots of family time together, more than my friends with siblings spend with their families. They also are very big on being open about the miscarriages they had before me. This is definitely not a bad thing, but my mom will mention who my siblings would be like and what we would do at least once or twice a day. If I ask to go shoot hoops while socially distanced with some friends, my mom will say that if I had living brothers, we could play in the yard. When I asked if I could use her card to shop for Christmas presents, she said that if I had more siblings, it would make the holiday season much more fun. Even when I came out as gay, they were super accepting and wonderful, but also started wondering if any of my siblings would be LGBTQ+ as well.
They have a memorial at a nearby cemetery for their miscarriages and make me go there on what would be each of my siblings' birthdays, even though I really don't feel any connection toward them — they were fetuses way before I was born! I love my parents a lot, and I don't want to seem like an insensitive jerk, but how do I have a conversation with them about how off-putting (and kinda annoying) it is to hear them always talk about my miscarried siblings, and is there a script or something I could use to ask them to not go to their memorials without sounding rude?
[Slate]
Jamilah Lemieux recommends that the letter writer pick a calm moment to tell his parents how their frequent comments about their miscarriages make him feel. "I'm so sorry that the coping mechanisms that your parents have adopted to help them get through their grief over their pregnancy losses have led them to create such an uncomfortable environment for you," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Keep Trying To Date My Ex's Sister?
I'm trying to date this girl but her older sister seems to get upset every time I see her. I know exactly why, as I was very close with the older sister before I met my girlfriend. To be honest, I was in love with the older sister but she was dating someone and is now married. The problem is, we also slept together a few times but agreed to stop for obvious reasons.
I'm trying to move on but I think it bothers her seeing me with someone else, especially her sister. It kills me that it hurts her. I don't know if I should just end it and cut myself out of both of their lives, saving us all the trouble, or if I should try to make it work?
[Slate]
Danny M. Lavery offers a very succinct answer: "End it, stop seeing both sisters, and save yourselves a lot of trouble." Read the rest of his column.
