tktkt, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Offer My Sister A Second-Hand Breast Prosthesis Without Offending Her?
My sister is a survivor of breast cancer. She had a single mastectomy and wears a sports bra these days. When I asked her if she was going to get a prosthetic, she told me she doesn't care.
Recently I met a survivor who was giving away her prosthetics, and she ended up giving them to me to give to my sister. I don't think my sister needs to have a prosthetic. I just thought it would be nice for the days she did decide she'd like one.
My question is, how do I tenderly give her the gift without her thinking I think she needs it? Or should I not give it to her at all?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren suggests a low-key approach. "[T]he prudent way to go about it would be to mention to her that you encountered a survivor who no longer needs her prosthetic and ask if she might like to have it in her drawer," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Make My Husband Accept That I'm Not Going Back To Work After Having Our Baby?
I'm pregnant and have come to the realization that I need to be a stay-at-home mom. My husband and I had planned for me to go back to work, but I now realize staying home with the baby is something I need to do.
My husband is not being supportive at all. He said that if he had known he'd be supporting three people, then he would have waited to try to start having children until he was in a better place in his career. I think that's cruel — he's effectively saying he doesn't want the child I'm now carrying, he wants some future hypothetical child in some future hypothetical time when his career is better.
I know men can't understand the emotions of a pregnant woman, but are there words of wisdom I can give him?
Carolyn Hax encourages the letter writer to stop digging in her heels and to see things from her husband's perspective. "You did not realize you 'need,' 'need' (duplication yours, not mine) to be a stay-at-home mother, you realized you want to," she writes. "Your husband is not being 'cruel'; he is responding to your change of perspective with a concern he has about finances." Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Respond When My Mom Calls Me Overweight, Even Though I'm Not?
My mom and I have had a contentious relationship ever since I was a young teenager. She's always been very preoccupied with weight, and anytime she thought I gained a few pounds, she would point it out and berate me, often to the point of me crying. I should note that I've never been anywhere close to overweight at any point during my life… Luckily, I grew up, went to college far away, and now live about 500 miles away from family. I worked on cultivating my own identity, saw a therapist, and gained self-confidence from being away from my mom.
However, two years ago, my dad was diagnosed with cancer… Whenever I go home, my mom always brings up my weight. Most recently, my dad told me that he's so happy and proud to have such a smart, hardworking, and beautiful daughter. My mom later whispered, "He has to say that you're beautiful because he's your dad. Wouldn't it be nice if you lost weight and he could actually mean it?" I got many other comments from her about how I could be pretty if I lost weight, that I can't actually be popular with men looking like this, how sad it is to look how I do in my 20s, and similar things.
I want to be able to see my dad more often, but I'm anxious about having to see my mom. How do you deal with toxic family members when interacting with them is unavoidable?
Lori Gottleib, the therapist who writes the Atlantic's "Dear Therapist" column, reminds the letter writer that her mom's comments are a reflection of her mom's anxiety and pain. "Moving forward, before you arrive at their house, make a point of reminding yourself that your company matters to your dad and that he matters to you," she suggests. "Then remind yourself that what your mom says is related to who she is, and not to who you are." Read the rest of her answer.
Is It 'Unfair' To Take Both Thanksgiving And Christmas Off Work After Three Years Of Working Both?
My office has an alternating holiday schedule (everyone has to work at least one major one). For the past three years, I have worked Thanksgiving and Christmas, since my family lives overseas, and got New Year's off. Now that I am engaged, I want to see my fiancée's family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I requested one off but received both. My supervisor explained that since I had never had Thanksgiving or Christmas off, the computer system gave me first priority. I was excited and willing to trade with someone, but the response of my co-workers has left a nasty taste in my mouth. Several complained about me "gaming" the system and called it "unfair." One straight-up demanded that I give up Christmas to her because she has kids. I am almost at the point of staying in and spending the holiday watching movies with my fiancée and our dog out of spite. How do I respond?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, thinks the letter writer's "spite"-fueled plan is a good one. "You've earned this round of Thanksgiving and Christmas by dint of working through them both three years in a row, and you do not deserve a holiday any less because you don't have children," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Ask My Coworker To Stop Laughing And Commenting About Noises Coming Out Of The Bathroom?
I am in an office of about 25 employees, and we each have our own cubicle with dividing partitions above the desk, but not below.
I sit near a back corner of the office, with one coworker, "Tom," sitting between me and the restrooms. Tom has a few quirks that drive me crazy; in particular, he snickers loudly every time we can hear anything that goes on in the bathrooms, even going so far as to comment out loud ("oh man!") occasionally.
We all know what happens in a bathroom, and it's hard enough to be in a small office where nothing is really private, does he really need to draw attention to it? He also scoots away from his desk and sneezes into the void below his (and my) desk every time he sneezes…
Is there a way to politely ask him to cover his mouth when he sneezes, and to stop commenting on the bathroom sounds? I feel like I have to teach him how to be an adult, when he's actually in his 40s.
Amy Dickinson offers a straightforward script: "Hey 'Tom,' it's tough enough for us to sit here right next to the bathrooms all day. You commenting out loud about every noise makes things worse. Can you stop doing that?" Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Stop Taking My Prescribed Course Of Antibiotics Because I Don't Like The Side Effects?
This week, I found out that I had a skin infection and went to the doctor. He prescribed me an antibiotic.
My infection cleared up, but I still have a few pills left in the bottle. I don't like the side effects and think I'm OK to stop taking them. I'm taking enough pills already — and as they say, medicine is still a practice!
When I mentioned this, my son gave me the third degree and told me to follow the directions. But in this case, I think the medicine is worse than the problem.
[Creators]
Amazingly, Doug Mayberry does not mention the most important reason that people should take their antibiotics exactly as prescribed, which is that not doing so can contribute to the development of antibiotic-resistant bacteria. But he does urge the letter writer to "Talk directly and honestly about this with your doctor. Call the office with your concerns before acting blindly." Read the rest of his answer.
