How Dare My Daughter Not Name Her Baby After Me, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Disappear From My Daughter's Life After She Didn't Name Her Baby After Me?
A couple of months ago my daughter gave birth to a baby girl. I was so happy until I learned her name. The baby's first name is lovely. It honors her father's side of the family. The baby's last name is my son-in-law's surname. But the baby was given two middle names — a male, ethnic version of my late husband's name, and his last name. My family and I were totally left out.
I was deeply hurt. And I don't think my husband would have been happy with the way the baby girl is saddled with a very awkward masculine middle name.
I've expressed my thoughts to my daughter but she is sticking with the middle names.
My late-husband died when she was in her early teens and our relationship, which had been very good, soured. After that, nothing I did was right.
I was a loving and devoted mother to her and hoped she would realize that, especially after she had a child of her own. But I don't see that happening and I'm thinking of simply fading out of my daughter's life. I don't think she would miss me and, at this point, vice versa. My second husband's daughter and grandchildren love me. Rather than beating my head against a brick wall, I think I'd rather devote my energy to having a relationship with people who appreciate me. My only reservation is that my natural granddaughter will miss out on having a relationship.
Amy Dickinson urges the letter writer to consider that her daughter was probably just trying to honor her late father. "Try to put your hurt feelings aside, and do not punish your grandchild for the difficulties you've endured with her mother," she writes. "Just be present, loving, and let the name issue go." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Accept Money From My Roommate's Parents As A Reward For Being Her Friend?
I am a struggling college student up to my ears in loans and am estranged from my family. (I am gay and an atheist; they are deeply Catholic.) I have roomed with "Natalie" since freshman year. Natalie has many mental issues. She is school-brilliant, but socially not so much. I spent a lot of my first two years with her, pulling her out of the dorm and into socializing. She has a private therapist and is doing much better, but she still relies on me for a lot. She will not go out if I am not there and has refused invitations to events if I am not invited. I was thinking of dropping out of school to work when Natalie's parents approached me. They told me I was the best thing to happen to their daughter, and they were willing to fund my education if I stayed and "continued to be her friend." They also don't want Natalie to know.
I am very, very tempted to take the money. Natalie comes from serious, old-world money — like yearly vacations to the family home in the Alps kind of money. I also know it will kill Natalie to think her parents bought a friend for her. What should I do?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg, Slate's current Dear Prudence columnist, encourages the letter-writer to think through possible worst-case scenarios before they take the money. "What would you do if halfway through the next year Natalie learned about your financial arrangement with her family?" he asks. "Would you two be able to continue to live together?" Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Write Letters To Extended Family Members Explaining Why They're Not Invited To My Wedding?
My fiancé and I are planning a wedding for next fall, which we are paying for ourselves…
My fiancé's list includes pretty much all of his relatives, whereas I could easily add more than a hundred additional relatives and am only including my immediate family, my aunts and uncles, and my first cousins. Many of my other relatives I only see every five to ten years at other relatives' life events. I was worried I would receive a lot of pushback from my parents about this, but they have actually been fine about it…
My question comes from the compromise my mom has asked from me. She has asked me to write a letter to all of the relatives I am not inviting with some sort of explanation (other than the truth of we can't afford it and don't really know you that well) as to why they are not being invited. Her suggestion was to say that since were doing a non-traditional ceremony and a cocktail reception I should say we're not having a "real wedding." …
Should I really send this letter?! If you think it's a good idea, is there a way to phrase it so that people don't think I'm subtly asking for a wedding gift without an invitation? The whole thing makes me uncomfortable, and I have no idea what to say.
Liz Moorhead's response to this letter writer is very brief. "Do not do this," she writes. "They will figure it out." Since that's her entire answer, you can't read the rest of her answer, but you can read the rest of the question, which we edited for length.
Am I Justified In Being Furious That My Neighbors Came To The Open House For The Home I'm Selling?
My family is relocating and selling our home. Today, the Realtor held an open house. I learned that many of the attendees were neighbors — people with no intention of moving who don't even know people in the market. I feel violated by this gross invasion of privacy: snooping through my children's rooms and poking through my closets. One had the nerve to ask for the contractor who renovated my master bath. I'm furious! Am I wrong to feel this way?
Philip Galanes gently informs this letter writer that going to open houses for fun is not an uncommon practice. "Your broker will verify that increasing the hordes that walk through will better the odds of selling it," he adds. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Boss To Stop Calling Me By Random Names That Are Not My Name?
My company has less than 25 people in it. I have a main supervisor and then a boss who is above my supervisor. Every time my boss has spoken to me, she has called me by a different name. Sometimes, the name she calls me starts with the same letter or sounds somewhat similar to my actual name (such as Emily or Annie) but sometimes it is wildly different (Rachel or Christine). Each time she does this, I say something along the lines of "oh, it's actually MY NAME," but it continues. The only time she got my name right was when she was interviewing me during the job application process.
I've noticed that she sometimes makes small mistakes with other coworkers' names, such as Christine instead of Christina or Katie instead of Kaitlin, but it's never as huge as with my name. My coworkers have definitely noticed it, and seeing what name she'll call me next has become a bit of a running joke. I don't necessarily find it offensive, but it is annoying. I don't feel like my name is all that unique or hard to remember. Do you think there's anything else I should be doing or should I just let it go and accept that for whatever reason, my boss just can't learn my name? Am I totally overreacting?
Alison Green says that the letter writer might try either having a big conversation with their boss about this problem, or asking their supervisor to have a big conversation with the boss on their behalf. "But since she's apparently mangling other names on the reg too (although not as badly as yours), I'm not super hopeful that it's solvable," she adds. Read the rest of her answer.
Why Didn't My 15-Year-Old Granddaughter Thank Me For Making Her A Homemade Valentine?
I am so frustrated with my son and his wife and their two daughters (ages 15 and 20). I sent Valentine's cards with cash gifts and spent time to make a card for the 15-year-old, with about 20 pictures of her, from the time she was a baby till now. I taped a $50 bill to the card because she told me at Christmas she likes "instant gratification." These children never acknowledge my gifts nor do their parents require them to. I texted the 15-year-old if she received my gifts and she said, "I'm not sure." We otherwise have a good relationship. These girls are smart, and their parents are professionals. I am to the point where I don't want to send any more gifts. Advice please.
[Creators]
"It sounds as though 'instant gratification' has made these girls ungrateful," replies Annie Lane. "No longer sending them gifts or money is probably the best thing you can do for them in the long run." (This is probably technically correct but we can't stop thinking about how mortified this 15-year-old probably was to get a homemade card full of baby pictures of her from her grandmother. ) Read the rest of her answer.
