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High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

theonion.com — In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.

Who dugg this? Made popular Dec 19, 2008

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  • EnjoyFailure, on 12/19/2008, -5/+59Really!? Do we really need to be posting articles from 1997??
  • AmyVernon, on 12/19/2008, -5/+41I can't wait to watch crap in hi-def.
  • x060t, on 12/19/2008, -4/+2910 years later: All the same crap, now in 3D!
    20 years later: Smell it!
    30 years later: Feel it! Touch it!
    40 ye... oh no, i really don't wanna know...
  • nkspas, on 12/19/2008, -1/+19Big Brother 18, featuring crispest title logo ever.
  • greenlight2001, on 12/19/2008, -1/+1740 years later: ***** it!
  • FearisFailure, on 12/19/2008, -2/+18I can't even remember what the hell went on in 97.
  • scy1192, on 12/19/2008, -1/+17FTA: "Top videogame manufacturers, including Nintendo and Sega, are already developing new systems on which consumers will be able to play astonishingly crisp, ultra-realistic versions of the same old stupid videogame in which two guys pound the ***** out of each other."

    11 years later, and Nintendo's still not running High Def.
  • ZincSaucier, on 12/19/2008, -2/+17that 10 year period has come and gone
  • Autodidaddict, on 12/19/2008, -0/+12we're doing it live?
  • computrius, on 12/19/2008, -2/+13Actually no. In february its not all going high definition. Its going digital (not the same thing) which is only an upgrade to 480p, which most people wont even notice.
  • cr12345, on 12/19/2008, -2/+11"High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap"

    So..... 2 girls 1 cup in HD?
  • UnFriendlyFire, on 12/19/2008, -1/+9This can't be from the Onion, it's true.
  • Almsy, on 12/19/2008, -3/+10Dugg for the Sliders reference. Jerry O'Connell FTW!?
  • Maxamegalon2000, on 12/19/2008, -0/+7Well they're certainly closer than Sega.
  • KevinRosa, on 12/19/2008, -0/+7"HDTV digital-cassette" LOL
  • itsJALbert, on 12/19/2008, -1/+7We sure this isn't backdated?
  • davidg11, on 12/19/2008, -0/+6Finally I'll be able to see the ghosts on ghost hunters.

    Thanks FCC!

  • tommyhat, on 12/19/2008, -1/+7Behold, the product of the garbage TV era.
  • Snake732, on 12/19/2008, -1/+6This is a Carlin joke from his Napalm and Silly putty book.
    Why get an HD TV to see clearer pictures of garbage?
  • TomFrost, on 12/19/2008, -0/+550 GOTO 10
  • rednaxela825, on 12/19/2008, -1/+6No
  • BXRWXR, on 12/19/2008, -4/+8I've taken some craps that felt pretty sharp.

    I need to lay off of the hot sauce.
  • directedition, on 12/19/2008, -0/+4Yeah, the whole world kind of dropped off the map when Goldeneye for the N64 came out.
  • deadrockstar, on 12/19/2008, -1/+5*1997
  • talonstriker, on 12/19/2008, -0/+420 years from now, I don't want to smell crap. Trust me, crap smells worse that you'd imagine. A couple months ago I had to submit specimen (read: *****) samples to the county health department (my friend had a contagious disease). That entailed, scooping crap from parts of a crap nugget and putting it into a bottle. Each time you scooped, the nugget would release a stench. It made me gag and I felt like throwing up for the next 30 mins.

    But if the crap isn't solid, it doesn't smell as much.
  • groundlevel1, on 12/19/2008, -1/+4Ummm... anyone read the date:

    April 9, 1997.

    We're watching the crap.
  • scy1192, on 12/19/2008, -1/+4the funny is that it's true and predicted 11 years ago
  • wyrdness, on 12/19/2008, -0/+3I think that it's been posted to show that the Onion's prediction has come true.
  • vinnyc, on 12/19/2008, -0/+3dugg for TMI
  • ThatNuttyPeej, on 12/19/2008, -0/+3Like Dennis Miller said: "As soon as any trucker can ***** Claudia Schiffer for $29.95 on pay-per-view, it's gonna make crack look like Sanka."
  • FreddieD, on 12/19/2008, -0/+3Oh heck yes. I live for my weekly fix of Family Ties, Night Court, Cosby Show and LA Law.
  • inactive, on 12/19/2008, -1/+4I took a hi-def crap a few moments ago and wiped my ass with HDTP.
  • Number23, on 12/19/2008, -3/+6HD Sports. So worth it.
  • SpectralSounds, on 12/19/2008, -2/+5I prefer my crap to not be sharp. It would cause bleeding.
  • iPood, on 12/19/2008, -0/+2Yes please.
  • card51short, on 12/20/2008, -0/+2no..that's still crap you're looking at.
  • BeShirtHappy, on 12/19/2008, -2/+4Yeah, the only way to watch crap is in hi-def.
  • inactive, on 12/19/2008, -0/+2Dugg for *****.
  • onionoino, on 12/21/2008, -0/+2what the ***** is a 1997
  • directedition, on 12/19/2008, -1/+3Hey, we have users who weren't even born when The Onion posted it. Well.... going by behavior at any rate.
  • lowtolerance, on 12/19/2008, -0/+2you gotta admit, 99% of it is crap.
  • siouxmoux, on 12/19/2008, -0/+2There was in fact sort live HD VHS tape format. The other improved standard, called Digital-VHS (D-VHS), records digital high definition video onto a VHS form factor tape. D-VHS can record up to 4 hours of ATSC Digital Television in 720p or 1080i formats using the fastest record mode (equivalent to VHS-SP), and up to 40 hours of standard definition video at slower speeds.
  • pulse768, on 12/20/2008, -0/+2Buried because The Onion didn't predict great shows like The Sopranos, Arrested Development, Futurama, Rescue Me, The Office, Battlestar Galactica, The Wire, Weeds, Dexter, Lost...
  • dagnabbit, on 12/19/2008, -0/+2That show was actually on when this story was first written. April 9, 1997
  • inactive, on 12/19/2008, -0/+1Bob Saget! He sounds like Chewbacca taking a *****!
  • jtown, on 12/19/2008, -0/+1Little known fact: You can install D-VHS drivers on your PC and connect it to the firewire port your cable box to make a direct digital recording of whatever's being tuned. The cable companies are required by law to activate the FW ports, tho many have them turned off and will feign ignorance if you demand the port be activated. (Actually, I'm sure it's genuine ignorance.) The port is there to allow recording of digital content to D-VHS recorders.
  • denizen42, on 12/19/2008, -0/+1Dugg for refreshingly accurate title.
  • Theresa42J, on 12/21/2008, -0/+1Your right. It is garbage.
  • sloppychris, on 12/19/2008, -0/+1I don't know why America's Funniest Home Videos gets a bad reputation. Watching people hurt themselves will always be awesome and hilarious.
  • punkcat, on 12/19/2008, -0/+1that was my problem, it wasn't funny because it was true.
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