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See the original image at lancewinslow.org

The Craziest "About Us" Section I Have Ever Read

lancewinslow.org — I had a friend show me this 'about us' a couple of months ago while looking for a different foundation of a similar name. I have no idea if it is legit, but its a hell of an interesting read. The longer you read, the better it gets.

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  • Scrappy1850, on 04/18/2008, -1/+85Lance Winslow frightens Chuck Norris
    • MysticSavage, on 04/18/2008, -2/+8Lance Winslow IS Chuck Norris.
    • kidblast, on 04/18/2008, -1/+6...and so it begins
    • RetroRufio, on 04/18/2008, -0/+4Yeah, I bet Chuck Norris doesn't have a "Mobile Command Center"
      http://www.carwashguys.com/blitz.html
      • Chompy, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3Is that.. is that a satellite dish on that thing? For a mobile car wash?

        I think this guy must be secretly running the Phoenix Foundation or FLAG from that thing and the carwash deal is a front.
        • CrunchyDeluxe, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1Whatever keeps KITT clean, I guess...

    • RetroRufio, on 04/18/2008, -6/+1Yeah, I bet Chuck Norris doesn't have a "Mobile Command Center"
      http://www.carwashguys.com/blitz.html
      • Scrappy1850, on 04/18/2008, -3/+1again?
        • RetroRufio, on 04/18/2008, -0/+4Either
          1. Digg duped it, not me.
          OR
          2. Lance Winslow willed it so :)
    • krets, on 04/18/2008, -1/+36If you have five dollars and Lance Winslow has five dollars, Lance Winslow has more money than you.
      • CrunchyDeluxe, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2I'm pretty sure he's got more money than me.
    • Spuy767, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1Such an awesome guy with such a web 1.0 site.
    • thelock65, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1BAMF
    • stilesja, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2These are only his present day accomplishments and mention nothing of his building of the pyramids and subsequent Egyptian government contract agency "Pyramid Cleaning Guys".
    • ubuwalker31, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2This guy is a tool: http://www.ftc.gov/opa/2001/03/carwash2.shtm
    • ChronicColonic, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2I like how there is a link at the end of this massively long article stating "To learn more about Lance's background, click here." As if you did not learn everything about Lance Winslow on that About Us page.
    • andburn1, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2Holy *****. Favorite part: "Lance had developed over three years, a special sleep schedule, Lance skipped sleeping every third night putting in 36 hour marathon days so he could finish projects. The other days he put in 14-17 hour days taking no days off. This experiment did not work, having affected Lance's positive outlook on the world." Hahahahahah that's absolutely hilarious.
    • tracydanger, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1I just kept thinking, this guy must have low self-esteem to need to brag about stuff he did at 10 years old and in high school. I would be really surprised to find out someone else besides him wrote all that. I also would expect him to have written his own wikipedia page.
  • RobotLeAwesome, on 04/18/2008, -1/+30That one guy is a lot of guys.
  • Steinr, on 04/18/2008, -10/+21 2 3 ... digg effect
    • viruz, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1it appears that the digg effect saw Lance and high tailed it out of there... no one messes with Lance Winslow it appears... not even Digg and maybe not even Chick Norris dare I say
      • CrunchyDeluxe, on 04/18/2008, -1/+2Um. "Chick" Norris?

        There's a foot making it's way to your head, buddy...
  • fuzionmuse, on 04/18/2008, -2/+43Too long.
    • fadetoone, on 04/18/2008, -0/+12Indeed. I got about 5 paragraphs before it occurred to me that I didn't care...
    • ChronicColonic, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3If you read anything to completion today, it should be this article. It is amazing that the article is talking about only one person. It makes me think I have not done enough with my life. If one fourth of the population was as driven as this guy, it would be amazing how different the status quo would be.
      • smitty1e, on 04/18/2008, -0/+0You can do and do and do and do and do some more,
        but mortality you cannot escape.
      • andburn1, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1Hahaha but come on! How full of himself is this guy? I bet he's an *****.
        • blindmonkey, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1How could he not be? He wrote about himself in third person.
  • Quick2822, on 04/18/2008, -8/+27How does some guy who needs his ego stroked with a 5 page "About Us" make it to the front page of Digg?

    No Obama or iPhone news today? (lolz?)
  • krets, on 04/18/2008, -2/+80Lance can divide by zero.
    • wsuBobby, on 04/18/2008, -9/+3Good ***** post. I cracked up.
    • MysticSavage, on 04/18/2008, -2/+2He also counted to infinity...three times.
      ***** you Chuck Norris.
    • Spuy767, on 04/18/2008, -2/+1That was how he counted to infinity, twice.
    • lewhich, on 04/18/2008, -2/+1Everybody knows 5/0 = 2
    • epmc, on 04/18/2008, -1/+6I've started to work on Lance's unofficial biography entitled "Lance Winslow: Better Than Jesus".
      • stilesja, on 04/18/2008, -1/+2Lance Winslow only authorizes UnAuthorized Biographies.
    • thelock65, on 04/18/2008, -1/+2lance decided to can and sell his urine. we now know this product as red bull
      Girls poop flowers and guys poop poop, unless you are lance in which case you poop monsters
      • dannyminick, on 04/18/2008, -1/+2guys poop poop? well that's rather boring isn't it?
      • CrunchyDeluxe, on 04/18/2008, -1/+2Lance poops celestial bodies. The Earth? Lance poop. The damn rock that killed the dinosaurs? Lance poop. The primordial sludge that spawned life itself? Lance diarrhea.
  • TRScheel, on 04/18/2008, -2/+43Holy crap it goes on forever

    Edit: I can only take so much BS in a limited period of time...
    • cr3ative, on 04/18/2008, -3/+17That's what she said!

      EDIT: That's what she said :(
      • timdorr, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3The edits turned that comment into comedy gold
  • beloitpiper, on 04/18/2008, -3/+31His exploits outnumber L. Ron Hubbard's!
  • Ajnag, on 04/18/2008, -1/+38The story kept building and building, and just when I thought it was about to peak, it continued to build and build and build. This man's life is either truly remarkable, or half of it is lies.
    • Misanthrope, on 04/18/2008, -4/+7It's almost too good to be made up.
    • josh4rim, on 04/18/2008, -0/+10or all of it.
    • DetpackJump, on 04/18/2008, -0/+32To keep you tethered to reality as you read through this gem, keep saying to yourself. "This guy washes cars for a living"
  • smurfzs, on 04/18/2008, -2/+11Lance Winslow should hire a better WebSite Creator.
    • Misanthrope, on 04/18/2008, -0/+9I don't know that Lane "hires" people so much as he absorbs their abilities and accomplishments.
    • tikistyle, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3If you want until 2010, Lance will create a fully funded agency called Web Site Maker Guys, and he'll realize the potential of the market at 300 trillion dollars.
  • Nougat, on 04/18/2008, -1/+26"Lance Winslow is narcissistic, and has a touch of the OCD."
    • CrunchyDeluxe, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3I want to eat you.
    • blindmonkey, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1I actually searched his website for that, since it wouldn't surprise me if it was somewhere in the jumble of words.
  • papavb, on 04/18/2008, -3/+3Wow
  • DonSlice, on 04/18/2008, -2/+20He's got nothing on Kim Jong-il. That man had a 38 UNDER PAR on his first time playing golf.
    http://ace.mu.nu/archives/034672.php

    also: The man is a super brain
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2005/aug/03/northk ...
    • thelock65, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3Insists he could enter and win the Tour de France, "if he felt like it"
      thats awesome
  • IHaveIssues, on 04/18/2008, -1/+14Scroll down and behold Lance's prose. I enjoyed the "Hover Board" PDF written at a grade 6 level.
    • archaist, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2His "philosophy" paper is far, far more hilarious. It's right towards the bottom.
    • Ajscott123, on 04/18/2008, -0/+5Select excerpts from Lance's Futuristic "Hover Board" book:

      "This book is about the Skateboards of the future, but they will not really be skateboards at all. Well they will look like skateboards but they will fly too."

      "Who knows maybe Leonardo da Vinci invented such a thing and it just never made it into one of the sketch books which was salvaged?"
      - May-be, Lance, May-be...

      "The skateboards of the future will be hover boards and if they are to fly they will need to be made out of lighter materials."
      - Sorry Lance, this product will never get off the ground in Obese America. Ha. You see what I did there?
      • dannyminick, on 04/18/2008, -2/+1Thou are not amused.
        • qber, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2I don't need you to tell me whether I'm amused or not.
        • blindmonkey, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1Don't fall for the Jedi mind trick... >_>
    • epmc, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1Can't wait to get my hands on "5u53j Son of Wilson".
  • KevinRWright, on 04/18/2008, -1/+8There are still only 24 hours in a day, right?
    • NeedlerFanPudge, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3Yeah, but for Lance there are 10 days in a week, and 84 weeks in a year.
    • villainforhire, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3"Lance had developed over three years, a special sleep schedule, Lance skipped sleeping every third night putting in 36 hour marathon days so he could finish projects. The other days he put in 14-17 hour days taking no days off. This experiment did not work, having affected Lance's positive outlook on the world."
  • BXRWXR, on 04/18/2008, -2/+29Lance needs to STFU.
  • punchinelli, on 04/18/2008, -1/+10If this is fake, it was damn entertaining. If it's real, someone is an attention whore.
  • follower64, on 04/18/2008, -8/+3TLDNR
  • NeedlerFanPudge, on 04/18/2008, -2/+10"Lance is also a writer and has written over 12,000 online articles, which are posted at thus making Lance the most prolific online article writer to date."
    How does writing a bunch of ***** make you prolific? This guy is INSANE
    • pensivewombat, on 04/18/2008, -0/+6that's what prolific means.
    • dawgma, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3The most prolific writers in history are usually letter writers and people who share their opinions on a seriously wide range of topics. A prolific writer who has also obtained fame might have only obtained their fame through one or two seminal works.

      12,000 online articles about a "bunch of *****" perfectly qualifies him for the title of "prolific writer".
    • random19, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3prolific: producing in large quantities or with great frequency; highly productive: a prolific writer.

      How does writing a bunch of ***** make you prolific? By definition, that's how.
  • ZeroBananas, on 04/18/2008, -0/+51"To learn more about Lance's background, click here"

    Surely the only thing left is the structure of his DNA.
    • DonSlice, on 04/18/2008, -1/+28Didn't you hear? Lance Winslow recently decoded his own genome by hand with a 2x Microscope.
      • plytheman, on 04/18/2008, -2/+1I heard Lance Winslow didn't even need a microscope, but used a 2x just because he didn't want to show off.
  • roadtripper, on 04/18/2008, -2/+11I need to party with this Lance guy.
    • wiredclimber, on 04/18/2008, -0/+13Lance has thrown over 12000 parties making him the most prolific partyer ever.
    • random19, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1I can only imagine how famous his sunglasses are.
  • Grova, on 04/18/2008, -0/+9Lance is also an accomplished motorcycle street racer and got into much trouble in his youth when he was not on the race track, most of which was blamed on his warrior genes, as his dad was a US Navy fighter pilot.
    • Managua8Green, on 04/18/2008, -0/+5Oh! In that case, its okay then.
  • breckinshire, on 04/18/2008, -8/+3Lance Winslow's semen can form into a liquid human!
    • CrunchyDeluxe, on 04/18/2008, -1/+3Have you witnessed this firsthand, pray tell?
  • talonstriker, on 04/18/2008, -3/+17You may be cool, but you'll never be Lance Winslow cool.
    • follower64, on 04/18/2008, -3/+3You may be cool, but you'll never be four popped Lance Winslows cool.
  • RubineBoy, on 04/18/2008, -2/+12Got brainwashed by the brain wash guys ...
  • LiveOnLocation, on 04/18/2008, -3/+23Wait till he adds: "Made it onto the digg.com frontpage while sleeping" to his resume...
  • mytibt, on 04/18/2008, -2/+6Next up, Lance wins the 2008 presidential election as a write in vote
  • NFLSuperFan, on 04/18/2008, -3/+8Buried as shameless self promotion of an attention whore
  • eltrev, on 04/18/2008, -0/+14"Hey dad, you promised last year that we could play catch sometime this month" ... "Sorry son, I'm in middle of accomplishing imagined goal #449".
  • NeedlerFanPudge, on 04/18/2008, -1/+10Lance cures diseaes not yet known to man in his free time.
    • pillcounterd, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3And to prove it, do you have any disease not yet known to man? I think not.
  • archaist, on 04/18/2008, -2/+5Obviously fake but still very funny.
    • epmc, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2That's what I thought as well, but check out the links to the potential book ideas. That's a lot of info for a fake website.

      I think he's just nuts.
  • amneosis, on 04/18/2008, -1/+10"... he is also a member of The Ayn Rand Institute."
  • EricSancho, on 04/18/2008, -1/+20Lance doesn't go to the bathroom. The bathroom comes to Lance.
  • fdgvieira, on 04/18/2008, -2/+13I for one welcome Lance as our new lord and savior.
  • rot13ubercrypto, on 04/18/2008, -2/+39Lance is four-popped-collar cool.
  • NeedlerFanPudge, on 04/18/2008, -0/+11Lance is a level 9 Black Belt and knows Pyrokenesis
  • 5teady, on 04/18/2008, -7/+2Hello! My name is Lance Winslow. I am your god diggers. Praise me!
  • metateck, on 04/18/2008, -0/+6I got tired of reading about all of the great stuff he did. On the internet, everybody is a hero.
  • chronichyjinx, on 04/18/2008, -1/+6"To learn more about Lance's background, click here." Please Stop!!!! Enough is Enough!
  • buymagicfish, on 04/18/2008, -0/+13Simple, but my favorite part:

    "Lance also belongs to the listserve of the American Bar Association's (ABA) forum on franchising. This is where Franchise Attorneys from all the world, try to work out real issues with the franchising format."

    The listserv is an email mailing list. In order to join, you go to a website, put your email in, and press ok. You can do it too! (http://mail.abanet.org/scripts/wa.exe?SUBED1=franc ... Don't though, its probably totally boring.
    Since when is signing up for a mailing list an accomplishment or even interesting?
  • mattwa, on 04/18/2008, -0/+25Superman wears Lance Winslow pajamas
  • clichecow, on 04/18/2008, -0/+9A google search for his name returns a bunch of stuff consistent with the about us page, but I think the most likely scenario is that the guy googled his own name and claimed the efforts of every "Lance Winslow" as his own.
  • wiredclimber, on 04/18/2008, -0/+7"Over the last four years Lance has traveled to all 50 US states, visited every state capitol building, and gone to every city in the continental U.S. with a population of 10,000 or more"

    I don't believe that's possible.
    • venson, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3Actually I have a friend who is doing this. One state every week. He flies out on Friday and back on Sunday.
      • talonstriker, on 04/18/2008, -1/+1YOU KNOW LANCE WINSLOW?!?!? THAT IS UNPOSSIBLE!
      • elhaf, on 04/18/2008, -1/+2Lance Winslow DRIVES to every city.
        • CrunchyDeluxe, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2Lance has mastered the art of self copy & paste. He's probably disarming North Korea's nukes, training for the next Olympic games, and creating a new flavor for Hot Pockets as we speak.
    • BBeeson, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3I wish I knew who he was when he was in my city.
    • pillcounterd, on 04/18/2008, -0/+4Mythbusters Time.
  • thatotherdigger, on 04/18/2008, -2/+1lol
  • rick4him, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3Wow - what hasn't this guy done???
  • ShempRider, on 04/18/2008, -0/+10At the very bottom:
    "Ask Lance a Question" and...
    "To learn more about Lance's background, click here."

    Thanks, Lance but I've got all the info I need.

    • MedicalMatt, on 04/18/2008, -0/+4Haha, you stole my posting.
    • ShempRider, on 04/18/2008, -0/+4Well, Lance also wrote "The Flow of Water".
      Here's the synopsis:"DOWNHILL. The End."
      • CrunchyDeluxe, on 04/18/2008, -0/+4When Lance is around, water flows in whatever the hell direction Lance tells it to.
  • tanuki0, on 04/18/2008, -0/+24"Lance is retired at 40"
    Oh well, Lance is a lazy bitch, isn't he?
  • greerso, on 04/18/2008, -0/+13All that and the guy washes cars for a living?
    • stilesja, on 04/18/2008, -0/+3Exactly, he washes cars for a living. Hence the "sure I wash cars for a living but look at all the other fantastic ***** I do" about me page.
    • ShempRider, on 04/18/2008, -0/+1Yeah, in 1986 he kicked Biff Tannen's ass and took over his territory.
  • SubKamran, on 04/18/2008, -0/+2"Mr. Winslow constantly stays abreast of information in all of WashGuy's 22 industry market sectors and reads over 160 paper periodicals per month, views 75 online newspapers, newsletters, & e-zines daily. Lance after leaving college has been self-educated taking his 3000 plus title business library with him on the road. He usually reads three books per week in his quest for knowledge & 10-12 white papers per day. "

    You mean, with the whole running of a business(es), he can read 3 books a week, 160 magazines a month, 75 news sites a day, and 10-12 white papers a day? Yah, maybe if he was Superman.
  • socalslaker, on 04/18/2008, -0/+5Chuck Norris doesn't check under his bed for the boogie man he checks for Lance Winslow.
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